LOL, Just_Me, that's okay. I don't keep up with my own threads. For the same reasons I've had a hard time applying the actual principles in the books, I suspect it's been hard for people to advise me. I kind of fit into most of the forums and kind of fit no where.
Until we are actually living "happily ever after" under the same roof, I don't imagine anyone would advise me to let my guard down (if ever), but I know we are piecing. Usually.
First of all. He is not in two relationships any longer. It has been hard for me to convey the nuances of change that I can see, hear and feel even as we are still unable to physically bridge the distance on a permanent basis. We're working on it though!
Michele's article on Time Together is right on, but almost as one who loses sight hones in on other senses, once I got out of denial about the state of our relationship, I can tell by his voice and patterns of actions most everything that is going on. I really always could. It drives him nuts and he always says I'm too smart/psychic for my own good. He thinks I should be a detective. LOL. He has no idea how much I haven't told him I discovered! I don't need to snoop though, he's just not that hard to read if I am facing reality instead of hiding from it.
He isn't lying to me. I admit there are things he avoids telling me if I don't directly ask (and it DOES take me a while to figure out what to ask sometimes), but it is only to keep me from worrying or melting down. Or on one occasion because of his shame. He has left her, returned the vehicle she loaned him and moved the last items from her property into his new apartment. I am on the bank account. I am on the health/dental plan. I get mail at his apartment. The new truck is in both our names. It's paid for!
He broke down in tears to his boss after I left and confessed that he couldn't believe I was giving him another chance. Boss is working with him (financially and emotionally) to get his family down to him.
At times I try to get to "how did we get to the place you could go there" so that it doesn't happen again. He honestly can't really tell me much except that he got caught up in the aura of the city he works in, the partying and comraderie of the guys that all went down to rebuild the place together, and lack of attention from myself and the kids. He felt unappreciated. He worked 10 hours a day to send home a mortgage payment for a home he felt like a stranger in. I DID resent him coming home for a visit and taking over sometimes. It sounds so stupid now. I had a lot of things to forgive myself for...
Maybe I spent money on the cable bill and got behind on a credit card payment that afternoon. Maybe he called and tried to tell me about his day while I was fighting traffic and dodging ice patches driving the kid to hockey and cut the call short that evening. I'm not sure how much I really need to know.
There were answers I wanted. Answers I needed. I got them all for now.
I know how he feels about me now.
I know I care about that again.
I know this is a *honeymoon* phase because we almost lost each other.
I know I can never take this for granted again, and that this I can control, but not much else. I can't guarantee what the fall out will be for him, but I never could anyhow and this time... I know I did my best. Sometimes success is just being able to look yourself in the mirror.
I know he believes, with all his heart, that he will be faithful to me and die looking into my eyes. I don't think anyone, at any point in their relationship, ever really knows more than that.
I've grown up a lot. We lost the innocence. We have to try harder to protect our relationship.
He is trying. Last Sunday, as I knew he was making the last trip across the bridge to retrieve the last of the belongings from her place, I had to turn my phone off and have someone else take it for a while. When I retrieved my messages hours later, I found he'd left "progress reports" the whole time he was in transit and we watched an old action flick "together" over the phone later that evening.
I'm not pretending to feel secure about this at all. But. I've faced her. I've seen the way he looked at her and the way he looks at me. The monster in the closet turned out to be shadows in the light of day. She just doesn't scare me because it was never about her. I pity her. She was used.
He is trying. He left his phone at work Tuesday evening, and because I've communicated my need to talk with him a LOT for a while, he knew I'd meltdown if he didn't answer all night. He didn't want me to feel that pain so he went next door, introduced himself to his neighbor, and asked to borrow his cell phone so he could call his wife. :-)
Or he could be totally lying. He may have made the whole thing up to keep me from calling that night or wondering why it went to voicemail. Ha. I have the neighbor's number saved though, just in case. Seriously though, he isn't the "double life" type. It tears him up. He never lied once the affair was uncovered, except to himself.
Another weekend is here. Those are the hardest for me. I still panic if I don't know what he's doing and have to fight the dreams that come to me at night. Seriously. I'm pretty good at shutting off the movies of my (very active) imagination during the daylight hours. I can't stop the dreams.
He cheated. He crossed the line. Circumstances could arise that allow him to justify cheating again. You know, just 'til I get down there, or something. I can't control any of that. The only chance we have though, is taking that leap again and worrying about it can only be bad for me. Thank you for reminding me to protect my heart. I know I can't fool you into thinking I'm doing so very well with that. My only choice is to trust him though and take the leap... we can't fix this 1300 miles apart.
