It takes a loooooooooooooooong time for the trust to return.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hi SD, I have a quick question for you. I'm begining to peice together my R again. Anyway, I was rereading DB last night and came across the suggestion about putting a 'time limit' on seeing some changes stick. For example in the book it says to rate where you are right now, I'm about a 5.5 or so (I was a 3 last week), but for me to be satisfied in this R, I need to be 8.5. Did you do this when you were peicing? This kind of worries me, but then again I guess its healthy. Did you experience this when you were in the early stages?
In two weeks it will be a year since stage one of the bomb. The one where H picked me up from my school when I got home from a week trip with my students and told me, "We need to talk." The one where he didn't tell me everything, the one where he told me what he wanted. And for a month afterward, I did my best, and it all culminated with him withdrawing more and nearly leaving. Left my head spinning, confused, because for the first time, he'd asked me for something, I was giving it to him, and he wasn't happy.
I see now where his head was, why that happened, and I don't even regret it. But still...I'm a few days from the class trip again, two weeks from that anniversary, and I find myself withdrawing a little bit....
But it's different now. Today in MC I told H I knew I'd been pulling back and had taken some time to think about why; MC said it was totally normal for me to be feeling this way. I also talked about what *I* needed, and H was nothing but wonderful. We are in such a different place than we were a year ago, and that is something to celebrate. *I* am in a totally different universe, a much happier, confident person. It was worth it.
It was worth it though I anticipate a really hard summer as I acknowledge the milestones...a year since I finally found out he didn't love me anymore in June, a year since he wrote me a letter, asked me to let him go, told me he didn't know if he'd ever loved me, and almost moved out last July; a year since about a week after that when I discovered the love letters he was writing to another woman; a year since an awkward anniversary and birthday; a year since I almost let him go completely and almost decided to move on with another man. A year since...so many of them, so fresh in my mind, like a wound that stuck to the band-aid once I'd finally worked up the nerve to pull it off. A year of milestones only I have, that my husband doesn't quite understand.
And though I'm happy, there's still a long way to go before I heal, before I don't think about LW everyday, before I don't wonder who is calling him on his phone, before I feel like I can trust him 100% again. For anyone lurking here, this is slow. Acknowledge your feelings instead of trying to hide them; they're there for a reason. But instead of being reactive, do something about it. Ask yourself WHY you're having those feelings and figure out a way to make it better.
Today I asked for a lot of things I need to feel loved, and H said he would do whatever it takes. I have to remember he's a Good Man no matter what happened during the summer of 2006. We've both changed a lot.
I just wanted to chronicle this here so I could remember.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. June 9 is my own Bombiversary. I have been doing my best not to focus on that, because where I want to be is: able to look back on that day as nothing more than one more part of the process that got me to the good place I am in today. And today is all that really matters, right?
((((SD))))
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Very thoughtful post. I continue to pray things will turn out since I see piecing is as difficult as D is in many ways. But regardless of what the future holds, I see a very different woman than I met a year ago; so much growth.
I too have an "anniversary": Tomorrow (11 May) is one year since I moved out of my house to give stbx "space". I expected to be gone four months at most. Instead I am arguing final settlement and I am still in my apartment.
Rob--I'm glad this seems to be normal. It's just weird to be feeling wigged out when my life is really good. I think it's just hitting those milestones, you know? I think after this summer I'll be able to pack it away. It's my goal anyway.
Jeff--yeah, it's about a year-ish now. I'm glad you recognize the changes; hell, I feel like a whole different person...no, no, that's not really it. I feel like my AUTHENTIC person, the person I always wanted to be but was weighed down with all sorts of negative thinking and feelings and baggage. There are days I feel like I could fly I'm so happy and light.
Sorry your sitch is still a pain. If your W would give half the attention to working this out to fighting with you...but oh well. You've gained a lot, you've come a long way, and some woman is going to be very lucky because of this experience. You helped me a ton last summer...it's why I still hang out in this place. I figure "old timers" like you and Cherrish helped me out, so it's my responsibility to do the same.
Today I refocused on me, on my PMA, on GAL. H had a work function to go to, so I took a long walk through the neighborhood. I live in the most incredible climate and today was textbook perfect, so I just basked in the beauty of my world. I literally stopped to smell the roses (and the jasmine and the lavendar) and just celebrated my life. Then I came home, made dinner, and poured a lovely glass of wine. I've just been enjoying the quiet in the house and the time to reflect.
I am so lucky. I need to remember that when I get into a funk. This M thing is going to be a process of hard work for the rest of my life. It's that hard work, that consciousness that keeps it fresh.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I tend to ignore mine, because if I focussed on them it would bring me down and I don't want to be down. But if I do notice them I do what you've ben doing - looking at how far i've come and celebrating that.
SD you sould good again - keep in touch, piecing can be a long long road.
And CM - get rid of the DVD already!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Hey SD, can you stop by farmtown46. She posted in my forum (where I responded) but also here in piecing. She is D but now H seems to want to reconnect after his OW went away. She is struggling with trust issues and how best to reconnect. Thanks.
how bizarre!!
