How does one try and move forward when your H tells you he doesn't love you anymore and that he loves the OW and she loves him? My life has been one train wreck after another since last July. How do you know when it's time to say I give up? How do you let go after almost 25 years? I'm hurt, angry and scared and feel there is no where to turn. Where do you go from there?
Ok, give us some info re: your sitch. How old are you both? Are you still living together? Kids?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
My story is a long one but I'll try to shorten it as much as I can. My then 17 year old D dropped the bomb last July. We had gotten into an argument and her dad told her to apoligize for yelling at me. She told him she would after he did for cheating on me. At that point my world fell apart and it's been crumbling piece by piece ever since. I started digging and got myself buried by all the dirt. I got ahold of his cell phone records and saw 1000's of calls between them since 12/28. My H played poker nearly every night so I waited outside to follow him. She came out and 30 min later he came out while talking on his phone. He drove like a nut and I lost him. When I got home some 30 min later I gave him a call and asked him where he was. He said he was just now leaving the tournament (lie) and was heading to the VFW. I asked him if he could bring milk home. He said I sounded funny and asked what was wrong. I told him I was just tired. He called back a few min later and asked if we needed sugar and if I was sure nothing was wrong. At that point we'd been married 24 years and he has never called to ask if we need anything much less sugar. He took a job with the railroad that had him pretty much gone for 6 months for training starting in Sept. Before he left he told me he wanted a D. In Oct he agreed to give the M a chance until March when his training was done. He came home for Thanksgiving and had to leave that night because of a derail (more on that later) and came back the next day. I went to spend a week with him in GA and he came home for Christmas. Well 12/26 his credit card statement arrived and I found a charge for a hotel here in Jacksonville on Thanksgiving, no derail on the railroad just our M and then there was another one 2 days later when he was supposedly leaving town. I was crushed. 12\27 I went to a lawyer and gave him our credit card and charged $6500 for my D (I knew the only way to hurt him was with money). On 12\28 we filled out the papers and filed. He was livid that I spent the money, not that I filed. After that I got online and checked out the recent credit card statement and found a charge for a round trip ticket from here to St Louis (his home port of training). I called Expedia and found out it was from 12\28-1/2 and was in the OW name. He told me she was going to Branson MO to visit friends, yeah right. All I get is lies. On 1\3 he decides I should fly in and see if we can work on anything to try and fix this mess. Fool that I am I agreed and went and after much talking came back home and dismissed the D (stupid). When I went back to SL in Feb I found a phone card (this was by accident) and when I got the call details there were 14 of them in 2 days to her. When he came home in March I found a pay as you go cell phone (by accident). There was a strange humming comming from his closet and when I went in there I found the phone. He had put it on vibrate and put it in a shoe so it was beating against the shoe as SHE was calling. We had a huge fight and it was the night he was leaving, of course I knew then he was going to see her. He is now in PA and my girls 16 and 18 are going up at the end of June. We're supposedly giving this M a chance for a year but is it really possible when he runs to see her every time he is home (that will be stopping in June though since we won't be here) and he still has that phone to talk to her. He has told me that he loves her and she loves him and he doesn't give the M but a tenth of a chance. I wasn't going to go but my 16 is finally so excited about going and I can't bring myself to put the kids through anymore hell but I feel hopeless and helpless. Does anyone have any words of wisdom they can share because I just can't seem to see anything positive anymore at this point. I'm angry, hurt, scared and tired of the pain. He's 44 and I'm 42.
Yvonnec I'm new here also. I'm new this sitch also have been married 18 years and 1 month. Ago find out my W is having and affair. Then tell me she does not love me anymore. It is and is going to be a rollercoaster for a while. Don't beg. You can't make someone love you. I love my wife; I do forgive her for what she did. I want to work this hick up out. But... I did not have the affair. I may have done something to make her look elsewhere for intimacy but she had not said anything. We don't fight. I have been trying to tell her WE NEED HELP, WE NEED TO GO TALK TO A C for the last year. I could tell she was not happy. She has been going thru Menopause for awhile so I attributed it to that. I know you have heard this already but it does get better. You must reclaim you life. When ever I was asked by friends or I wanted to do something I always checked with my W. In my mind we were one. Since she dropped this bomb on me, I have changed. I think what I want to do. It's kind of like being born agian. Yes when I think about our marriage and the sitch I get down but I am now taking it day by day. Do something for yourself. Go get your hair done or what ever you ladies like to do to make yourself look and feel good. I have had a bad tooth that was discolored in the front of my mouth. Being a family man I always put everything else first before I would have thought of doing something cosmetic for me. The second week after joining this site people kept telling me GAL. I made the appointment (on my own) didn't even say anything to the W. I did it for me and it feels good. In the beginning I had more bad days than good. Now the tide is changing the good out number the bad. Like Cadesmom34 said. Give this board more information they can help you. I know they helped me. In fact now when I have a problem or concern and I post it here I start to panic when I don't hear from people. I have gotten more concerned about hearing from people here that I do from my W. Nobody here is an expert. But everyone here has different life experiences. Take the advice you want and shelve the rest. What some people have tried won’t work for you and some people will tell ya something you would have never thought of. The only thing I know that I have heard here over and over again that has made me feel better about myself and my sitch was “look out for your self” and “Get ALife.”
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Yvonne, Sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand all the feelings you're going-thru.
I'm so glad you found this website and our group on the Infidelity Forum. You will find much support here. People here will understand what you're going thru and will give valuable advice.
Read "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis as a starting point. It's a great book for dealing with marital crises. Familarize yourself with the different Divorce Busting techniques, so that you can begin a personal plan to save your M.
Avoid talking to family, as they tend to support you versus the marriage. They'll see you as a victim. It's more complicated then that. Consider talking to a mental health professional. Keep posting here, as our support is 24/7.
Your situation is not hopeless. You will need to do things differently to help you move from "pain to power." You will need to create a healthy lifestyle and positive attitude so that you get stronger from this experience.
For now, experience your pain, and share it with us and a therapist. It's been a rough year.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm so glad I found this community. It's true about family just trying to help you. Even his mother says I should D him. Our 25th anniversary is coming up next month. I know he could care less about it but it means something to me. We had always talked about renewing our vows this year but instead he's talking D. I want to get him something but it can't be sentimental or anything like that. Would anyone have any ideas? I had also thought about putting a letter with the card letting him know I forgive him and that from this day on I plan on moving forward. Good idea or no? I haven't seemed to be able to do anything right lately and I don't want to backslide any more than I apparently already have. Until the girls and I actually move up to where he is I feel in such limbo and being in the town as the OW is really hard. Most of the time I feel like I should go and DO something but I know that will get me nowhere but into another fight with my H. As long as he's not here he's not with her except by phone.
I want to get him something but it can't be sentimental or anything like that. Would anyone have any ideas? I had also thought about putting a letter with the card letting him know I forgive him and that from this day on I plan on moving forward. Good idea or no?
Yvonne, You can certainly forgive him, but I wouldn't say that to him just yet. Don't make it too easy for him. Partly what keeps him in contact with the OP is his sense that you're going to be loyal no matter what. You will need to change this pattern.
It's great that you're willing to work on the M, but he's not ready to work with you. He hasn't given you any sign that he's ready to commit to the M.
Educate yourself on the basics of DivorceBusting (DB). You may pick up the lingo and concepts from reading other posts. You will need to change how you relate to your H.
Read "Divorce Remedy" and let us help you put together a plan.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Dear Concerned, I've been reading Divorce Busting. I'll get Divorce Remedy next. I'm trying to come up with a plan but right now I'm just more confused than anything. If you could help me sort through it that would be wonderful. Ok so I don't let him know that I know I forgive him just yet. We've still been sleeping together, do I stop that as well? That's like the only thing we have going for us right now that is good and I thought to try and build from there. Is that wrong? Any idea's on the anniversary gift? I know I have to relate to him differently. I've not been answering the phone every time he calls right now. It's a small step but one I'm proud of none the less.
Yvonne, It is confusing. The "muddy water will settle," and you will get a clearer understanding of what your H is going-thru. This will take months versus weeks.
It's OK to continue a sexual R. We do have to build on the positives as you say. Do you feel OK with this, or does something seem wrong about it?
It sounds like you're taking baby steps. Keep practicing. Not answering every phone call is a good start. It portrays a poor image of us, when we answer every phone call.
For Valentine's Day, I gave my W a humorous card, that reflected her interest in jazz. It was more of a friendship card. Something more sentimental would have been insincere.
I think your gift needs to reflect the state of the R, combined with your love and fondness for him. I think as long as your gift doesn't come with any expectations, and is sincere, then I think you'll be fine.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 05/12/0701:27 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Many times the SR feels very wrong. I know that I am making love to my husband and yet I know he's just having sex with me. It hurts. I know nothing can change overnight but this is just so tough. I'm tired of being in another state. I want to move forward with my life and I feel like I'm just stuck treading water. I went out with some friends last night and had a couple of drinks, it was nice. I also went and got my hair redone and my eyebrows waxed, kind of had a day and night for me. I'll have to keep thinking on the gift, I suppose something will hit me when I find the right thing. Has anyone turned their M around in a year? At times I think it's a long time and at other times I don't feel like it's enough.
