It's interesting to me that in the long while that I've been on this BB there has not been a single exception to the rule that a LDH will not feel the desire to become fully sexual or join a BB like this until his HDW is basically out the door and no longer wanting him. OTOH, quite a few LDW come here before things get quite so out of hand. It's so clear to me that the "solution" to the problem is not to try to get these guys to want to f*ck the "madonna". The solution is simply that the HDW have to start acting like "whores" , not really "whores" but something more like "b*tches". Some men just get turned on by the drama of having their *ss kicked to the curb or the thought of their wife with another man. I think it's really reflective of low self esteem as in "She doesn't want me so she must be better than me therefore I want her" or "Other men want her so she must be hot so I want her too.".. It's weird how it can simultaneously be true that people are more attracted to people who aren't attracted to them for validation reasons but also more aroused by being around people who are aroused by them for straight-forward sexual-social interaction reasons. Another good reason why looking for validation s*cks if you actually want to have hot sex.
THIS is NOT the solution. I DON'T want to act the whore or the b*t*h! First, that means I'm still working to do the initiating! Second, I can be a little wild, but a whore I'm not. I do work hard to look atractive to him and wear nice things to be attractive to him, since I don't think it's fair to let myself go and then expect him to be attracted to me, but I'll never be 19 again (especially after 6 pregnacies and 2 deliveries!) and being that we are married it's not like I can go out and flagrantly attract other men who are going to pant after me. That wouldn't be right in my mind. It would, in my husband's case anyway, put doubts into his mind about did I actually love him or was I going to leave him for someone else (fidelity). Which would cause him even to create even more emotional distance. He would think I'm not attracted to him anymore.
No, acting the part of the aggressor (the whore) would only make me feel worse. And it would continue the cycle of me still doing all the planning and intiating.
Third, as for validation, thats always a part of relationships. I think that having sex validates the marriage relationship. I think that him initiating validates the fact that he finds me attractive and vice versa.
But this is more about not only his level of desire, lack of ability to initiate, but his seeming inability to ENJOY the actual act of ML. It seems that his emotions are locked up in his mind somewhere and they can't escape. I want the emotions to be free. Men who have sex with whores do not have emotional attachments to them. It's a "use and move on mentality". I want the emotions to be there. That's what a life long committment is built on.
