What’s your point with this thread? You say you wanted ideas on what you should have said to your W last night. You deny having any feelings for her. You seem to care less whether some other man makes a move on her. You admit to feeling sad if you were to D and your W get custody of the kids and you get visitation. Then you say your W “knows that she has ripped my heart out about before, and yet still chooses to reject me.”
You are all over the map! The only one who doesn’t seem to see this is you. To me, it seems clear that you very much want to have a relationship with your W but your anger, resentment and ego prevent you from taking the necessary steps. Because you have been hurt, you seem to think she somehow “owes” it to you to repair the M, out of some sense of entitlement over the marriage vows. It seems to me she threw those out the window long ago, and because of your wimpy P/A, victim-like approach, I think she had good reason to do just that.
Do you really hear how you come across? That BS idea you had about what to say to her regarding last night is nothing more than self protection. You shroud it in a statement of concern for her safety, but she will see right through that. What is your reason for being concerned? How will she hear it? That you are concerned about her drinking and driving, or getting into some other trouble because you don’t to be bothered by a call to the emergency room, or police station? Won’t this sound to her like you are more concerned about YOU than her?
If you want her to hear your concern, then you will have to be brave enough to say it. Tell her you are angry that she does not love you anymore, that you are jealous she is seeking the attention of younger men over you, that you feel she is abandoning you, that you are concerned you will lose her. These things are the truth, best as I can read your sitch. All else is self protective deflection.
You’ve been feeding her that stuff for too long, so she has decided to take it at face value. Now you are coming face to face with the consequences of trying to make her believe that you don’t care – she no longer cares. Your self-fulfilling prophecy has come true. Either accept the future you have crafted (not to excuse her role in this) or take action to turn things around and make the future you want, rather than sit around hoping she will see your pain and take pity on you.
Those other guys at the gym aren’t showing one ounce of pity. They have their own issues too (lack of self confidence, lack of brains, lack of education, etc., etc., etc.), but on the surface, the surface your W is focusing on, they are assertive go-getters trying to get the most from life they can. If you don’t drop the P/A avoidance, you will pale in comparison to them (on the surface) and you will lose your W, and your kids (except for visitation rights) and your home, and half of everything else. By this I don’t mean you need to be a body builder or an aggressive, dominating alpha male. That is NOT what it takes to show your W you care. You have to tackle this head on and be direct. Confront your W and all your issues openly and honestly and stop hiding. Express your emotions. That is assertiveness. That is power. That is alpha.
