Thank you for your post, and yes, BB and Mrs. Choc. are a LOT alike, and I've thought so for along time, as I've always followed your sitch (and I think we've even discussed this before).
These "copy the quote, and then reply" paste jobs are hard, esp. while I'm at work, but your post is SO dead-on, I need to:
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I read you do care but something is blocking you to do anything about it. Conflict avoiding? Fear of rejection? It’s been bad for so long, why bother now? Something else?
I do care about her, but just not in a romantic way anymore. Even on the rare occasions where I still find her body sexually attractive (and trust me, it looks PHENOMENAL right now), it's more of a lustful feeling than an "agape" love that a man ought to have for his wife. I think it is a "I will not let myself get hurt again" defense mechanism on my part, tho.
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Choc, I see she might have been holding out on you and now you are holding out on her.
Yep.
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I also relate to what NOP said, wanting her to be the bad guy or you not being the bad guy (it's her fault mentality.)
"Yep" again.
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With my R, I lose interest because of the lack of progress or when progress only happens due to conflicts. Sometimes I see myself heading down a road similar to yours.
I most definitely get despondent -- and defeatist -- over what I see on this Board (and others) in that 98% of the relationship improvements only come from the following two categories:
1. Both spouses agree there is a problem, and agree to work on it, together;
2. Fed-up spouse threatens other spouse with divorce, separation or some other nasty, woolly thing that goes "bump" in the night, and even then, the positive response only lasts so long as the fed-up spouse keeps up the threat of the nasty woolly thing.
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I also think when you don't want a sexual R with your W, in some ways it is depriving her of some form of validation and other things she needs. Maybe she appears not to want a physical R with you or anyone, but I wonder if that mode of operation is causing her long-term problems?
I definitely think this is true, and I think now it's coming home to roost in her psyche. She needs to have her physical beauty validated, and since she no longer gets that from me, she's seeking it elsewhere. Because (at least so far), her personal value system hasn't allowed her to commit adultery, she's not gotten it ANYWHERE, and I think that's killing her. And the sad, twisted thing is, I'm glad that it's killing her. I know that just sounds HORRIBLE, but it's true.
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Women that like to be chased but not caught. Is that your W on the outside, but different internally?
BB likes me chasing her but has problems when I catch her.. Once in a while she openly likes being caught. When I don't chase BB, she isn't happy. Are Mrs. choc and BB similar? I don't know.
BINGO!
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I can't help but think Mrs. Choc likes to be chased and maybe some day someone is going to catch her. Then what are you going to do?
Let him catch her. Or -- more accurately -- tell her something like "I love you, and I still think God put us together for a reason, and that we had something special. So don't misunderstand me -- I'd like you to stay with me. But I will not beg for that, and I will not even allow you to choose that if it means that we remain in the sexless, affectionless marriage that we've been in for most of the past 20 years."
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If someone had a magic wand where there were no problems afterwards, what would you like?
1. No wife? 2. A composite W consisting of traits something similar to Karen, GEL, someone else HD? 3. Keep things as they are? 4. A W with a lover, but not you? 5. An asexual R? 6. Your ideas?
Man, what an interesting, intriguing question. Hmmmm. "5" is pretty much what I'm living in now (therefore also making it "3"), so no, I wouldn't wish that on ANYBODY, much less choose it as my "magic wand" scenario. I don't understand #4? But I guess I'd have to say that:
a) I am a sexual man, with "physical touch" extremely high on my list of LLs;
b) I've come to the realization that my wife for the past 20 years is probably more like the "true" Mrs. Choc. than the what the first 2 years were;
c) I like being married -- I like that lifestyle of a wife and children;
So I would choose "I would like to get married, but to someone who is more compatible with me in the affection and sex department."
Do I get to keep my same kids tho? Cuz just doing that little thought process there just now just made me EXTREMELY sad. Because even tho she has been my heartache and my frustration, she has still given me the four loves of my life.
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Just my thoughts Choc. I only wish you well and Mrs. Choc well. I can imagine you are both hurting.
