She always seemed to want to maintain a deathgrip on me, and I was always trying to hold her at arms length. This had to have been heartbreaking for her and poisoned every interaction we ever had.
Interesting that you should comment this way because the contents are almost word for word what my H says about his adoptive mother. He felt like she was babying him, more so than his sister, who was their biological daughter, and he said it was "very suffocating". I never met his adoptive mother, even though we were together for 3-4 years before she passed away. H had no desire to see her, visit her, call her. He never had any contact with her at all during that time period. Since she has passed away (some 15 years or more) I doubt I have heard him say one nice thing about her. Said that every time they got together it was nothing but negative. However, I am sure she meant well, tried to give him the best home she knew how but he was reluctant to accept any of it.
Now, having said that, I wasn't adopted but I did not receive the love and attention from my biological mother that a young child should and I had very little connection with my mother. As horrid as it is, I have to say I don't miss her either (she passed away 14 years ago) and I didn't even go to her memorial. We came to an "agreement" of sorts a couple of years before she passed away but it was more over a personal matter than anything. We never talked about the R between us, nor did I ever in my whole life hear her say "I'm sorry" for anything, no matter what.
I changed that with my daughters - it was tough because I had nothing to go on, no guidance, no examples to follow. But, I am proud to say I have two wonderful daughters that I am close to and we have an awesome relationship. We are friends, but I am also their mother and my oldest (the one I particularly had a LOT of problems with when she was younger - has come to me on a number of occasions and thanked me for loving her "even when it must have been hard to". My daughter (who is now 30) even said "I never truly understood the sacrifies you made for us when we were little but I sure do now, thanks mum". That, in itself, was worth all the pain of her upbringing.
I made a point of not being like my mother (as much as I truly believe she did the best she could with what she had) and it has paid off, royally.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Now it's pretty easy to understand a duty to do something. But what about a duty to feel something? Can such a duty exist? How can it be carried out? And how can an observer judge that it has or has not been carried out?
Perhaps the duty is only to regularly let go of past conflicts and hurts and open yourself to the experience and expression of the feeling of love and/or desire. If the feeling is there, it can then be acted upon in the right spirit. If it's not, though, what then?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
IMPO...you can't make a "feeling" a duty. You either have a feeling or you don't. IMPO, "feelings" are emotions, or at least emotionally driven and you can't force an emotion to be a "duty".
I guess it can in a case where you never actually promised to feel anything, when someone just assumes you are "supposed" to feel something and become hurt when you don't. Of course their hurt is their own feeling that they don't have a duty to you to get rid of, then? And they may have good reason to assume you'll feel what they're expecting you to feel, and it may in fact be very unusual for you not to feel it. But "unusual" doesn't mean "evil" or "spiteful".
But if you made a vow to "love, honor, and cherish" someone, I suppose the least you can do is give them a warning and a chance to rekindle in you those feelings that you want back just as much as they do. This can be complicated if you don't really know what changes in them would do that. And to look for ways to make yourself happier that don't involve leaving or cheating... happy people can love a whole lot better than unhappy people.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
OK, what is wrong with me now? All I want to do is lock the door and be alone.
My kids love me and want to play with me and I'm getting annoyed with them for no reason. Mom wants to play and I don't want to.
The walls are all back up, like they never left. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to play with anybody. I'm hungry and I don't want to go to the effort of fixing something to eat either. This has happened before, and I don't like it. I can't get myself out of this mood either. And I'm scatterbrained as bad as ever.
I hope I'm better tomorrow. Or next week at the earliest. I have an appointment next week, so maybe I'll have to change my medicine again.
For those of you on medication, do you have days, or even several days in a row, where it flat out doesn't work? Is it something to do with digestion, maybe? Or maybe I should try a higher dose? I think I'm already maxed out on one of them. Or maybe a new doctor whose sessions go better for me?
I'm getting seriously worried that I'm not going to ever get completely better.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
All depends on what type you are taking and how long you have been taking them for. I've taken them before but not for long. However my H has been on them for about a little over a year now and as much as I saw quick results, it did take some time for them to get into his system and have some consistent change in him. And there were quite a few ups and downs.
He is on Effexor and it works miracles (we both agree on that). He is taking 225mg (recently just reduced from 300) but the doctor doesn't really want him any lower than that for the time being. Also suggested he could supplement it with Wellbutrin. You also have to be careful if you are taking any other type of medication as it can interfere with it (and if you smoke pot it can reduce the effects of it too)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Right now I'm on 18mg of Concerta & 60mg of Cymbalta.
I've been trying different things for about three years now. The best I ever was mentally involved 30mg of Ritalin, which unfortunately woke me up in the middle of the night with a very fast heartbeat. Cymbalta and Wellbutrin both seemed to make things just about that good right away, then fizzle out. Most of the time the overall results were so-so, but noticeably better than before I started most of the time.
I don't use pot or alcohol. My temptation to hide from my problems and the rest of humanity is bad enough without developing a drinking or drug habit... thank God I never got into it when I was younger.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well I think the Cymbalta dose is about right (some take that instead of the Effexor or in combination, instead of increasing the Effexor, which can have side effects)
However, I thought a pretty standard dose of Concerta was 36mg - so perhaps you need a little more, but with the Cymbalta, I'm not sure.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Oh, I forgot to mention also.... there are some AD whose effectiveness can be reduced when taken with fruit juice
Better to be taken with water or milk (my H usually takes with milk to avoid the upset stomach he gets sometimes)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
More Concerta is probably the answer, if my heart can take it in stride. I've been hitting the gym since then, so maybe it'll stand up to it better. If not, maybe I should stick with it anyway... I don't want to live like this forever.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
