So you know, although I have a law degree, I also have most of a Master's in Drama and my passion is theater and film. I've performed in a few films (nothing you'd know yet, sorry) and a 100 plays, done stand up at the Comedy Store ...... My law practice was 100% based on others' conflicts and that can get old and ugly....
So, I know part of the issue of moving to Alaska for you is it feels like giving up that dream and being "forced" back into law, is that right? Can you consider that getting back into the working world will give you the power and autonomy that you feel have been missing in this R for a while? The relief that you will feel when you are no longer financially dependent on your H? And what opportunities will you have to practice the craft you love in Alaska - they must NEED comics there, no???
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Recently, it has come to my/his attention, I believe, that HE may have had some irrational obsessive tendencies b/c his contract has some weird vague clauses (I don't think he's getting screwed, btw) that unnerve him and I'm thinking, "Hello?? I"m a L and TOLD YOU THIS A YEAR AGO!!" And oh, btw, there are plenty of opportunities here and other places...so, who was irrational and who was objective? Does it matter? Is this about being "right" or being happy?
That's another weird MLC thing. He honestly doesn't seem to remember details like the contract's problems that I pointed out. Sure sure, some of it is denial. I get that. But I SWEAR sometimes he seems genuinely surprised at things he said at the time, or didn't say, or missed.....Christ, where was he?
This sounds so much like my H too. Part of it undoubtedly is depression, and it wreaks havoc with their memories. It's an almost universal experience here that the WAS cannot remember half the things they said when they were in crisis. And the obsessiveness - I think it ties in to the depression too. They so "NEED" whatever it is, because they feel like it will lift their depression. (In my H's case, it first was a porch addition and backyard remodel, then an affair, then beach property in Mexico...). The "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" approach with the projects just definitely veered a bit from normal enthusiasm into almost mania. In your case, I think this is just confirmation that your H has been sick, not just willfully destructive.
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He certainly believed in My career a bit much really. In case My earlier post was confusing--h said in his MLC peak, that I should be a) in the US senate by now, or b) have my own sitcom. His "faith" in me is flattering and it's also very pressuring and I've told him to stop setting me up for failure. Can I just be funny and NOT make money with it? I also write well and have had some articles published. NO, that does NOT mean I will write and publish the world's greatest novel. Some of my best attributes were sort of held against me as I did not "accomplish" great things with my talents and thereby underachieved..... These are things we've been better able to discuss. He says he just wants me to choose, or clarify and not go in different directions, but I've said that's not his choice....(and yet, I kind of want that clarity too...) He has backed off, and admitted that he's "shoveled out a heck of a lot of criticism" my way...UNPRECEDENTED admission, unprompted.
You know, J, I think this is an issue with our generation. Our H's saw those stupid commercials ("I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan") and thought they could have it all - a brilliant career woman AND a full-time homemaker who would take care of all the kid stuff so they could pursue their own high-powered careers.
I think that when they hit their midlife depression, they suddenly feel the weight of being the primary wage earner, and fantasize that if WE were rich and successful THEY could just step off the treadmill. Suddenly it becomes OUR fault they have to work, even though we HAVE been working hard to keep the family going and accomodate their excessive work hours while they pursued their dreams. Past generations of men valued the work of homemakers and mothers, and took pride in supporting their families; many of this generation devalue homemaking, expect the woman to be an equal business partner, but aren't willing to "mommy track" their own careers. Puts us in a bind, doesn't it?
When will you be leaving for Alaska? We should try to meet for lunch sometime before you leave. (I'm in San Diego).
