How do I know if it is MLC

[HalfMissing]

My H likes to talk about movies he is seeing. He is free to go out to movies as he pleases! Remember, they really don't want to hear about you, only about themselves so direct the convo to them. H has never ever asked me anything about my life since this all hit.

My lawn is the tallest in the block again. H was supposed to do it last weekend but had to fly out to see the OW instead.

I went to my councilor too today. (See my thread.) I need to find a lawyer too.

[kissak]

Why is that? My husband can talk all day about him, but ask about me and he has no idea what to ask about....So for the last 5 months I have learned alot about him and he has learned not so much about me....But I do know that during our last conversations about our R, he said he noticed something different,....I listened..... Little something I have learned from Michelle's Book. They like to be listened to and know that you understand them, even if you don't.

[bright 2 morro]

Hi
I just thought I would give you all and update. He actually did come and mow the lawn tonight. I was actually quite surprised. He has been saying he was going to do it for 2 weeks now. I am not sure what to think.

I am also happy that we actually had a day with no fights. We had decent conversations all day. There are several times that he did try to start one by pushing buttons but I did not take the bate. I am so proud of myself.

When he was done mowing the lawn we were walking the yard and he was just talking about the yard and yard work and what he wants to do with the yard. It was almost as if nothing bad was going on. I know better though. I understand that this is part of him hanging onto me and our M (not letting go). Trying to get me to not let go.

I think he sees me calming down and moving on. I have this last minute weekend get away for me this weekend. I have never really done this. I have also gone all day without taking the bate from him. Now that is something to be proud of.

I have spent a lot of time reading about MLC and asking questions. I think I have finally found my calm (for now). But I feel like I have a new strength.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. When I got married I married for better or worse. Well I think that this has got to be the worse. I need to do my best to make that happen. I did not marry just to be divorced. I think if I befriend him and try to be there for him I have a better chance of having a happier marriage when this is done.

I am going to give him his space but also be there for him if he needs me. I am going to try really hard not to fight with him.

I am in this new calm (hopefully to stay). I know that I have things I need to change for me. I need to build up my self confidence and know that I can do this. Everyone lately has been telling me that I was a strong person and CAN do this on my on my own. I did not believe that until today. I think I am starting on my path.

I hope that I can stay friends and be there for my H. I think that this is the only way I have a chance of not fully loosing my marriage.

I hope I did not go on forever. I will keep on updating daily, I am sure I will still have some downs. BUT I WILL NOT SHOW HIM THAT.

mimi

mimi

[bright 2 morro]

HI Half
I just wanted to let you know that I did go and talk to a lawyer today. It was very enlightening. I am not doing anything right now. He did tell me that it not sound like I needed to right now (mainly because the OW is paying for everything). But he said the day it starts to go bad he can file a petition in the family court. And it only takes 3 days for paperwork and then everything is retro to the date filed.

Like I said I learned alot and I think that helped to calm me down some. I know that I will not get screwed in the end.
The councilor also told me the same.

I hope it brings you some calming as well.

Mimi

[bright 2 morro]

I am not even sure what to talk to him about him. He gets mad at questions and does not talk about what he does when not here. I think that is because he does not want me to know about his other life (new friends, OW, new activities). I am trying, tonight we talked about our yard and that went well. We also talked about the issues at work for him.

I made sure to tell him the yard looked great and I also thanked him for doing it.

I am sure it will come to me on the spure of the moment.

[bright 2 morro]

Ok, my H just left. He came to bring the kids to daycare. He was here about 1/2 hour. I was very civil. I did not ask questions. He did not start an arguement. He asked for something to eat and I told him it was ok. He went out onto our deck and was admiring the yard. All he said was he was going to miss it. I want to think he is starting to think about what he has done. But I am not sure.

Is it to soon?

He came back after he brought the kids and asked if he could get dressed for work here. I did not want to be mean so I said it was ok. I hope I did not "give in". I just felt that since his suit was here and he has this big meeting today to discuss issues with his job I would be "kind".

When he was leaving I wished him luck and told him he could call if he wanted.

I still feel like I can be a friend to him right now. I know that it is not just feeling sorry for him because of this problem at work.

Any comments on what is going on here would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all for your help.
mimi

[Rollercoasterider]

want to think he is starting to think about what he has done...
Is it to soon?

Yes and No.

MLCers cycle. In the beginning it can seem the cycling is constant. They change their minds and want to be with you, miss you, miss home. Some turn right around and move home--to leave again. That is why this is a Rollercoaster.

He will be constantly thinking about what he has done. It will overwhelm him with guilt. So one of your jobs is not to add to that guilt...do nothing to make him feel guilty for his actions, how he hurting you, hurting the kids etc...he already feels guilty...and additional guilt will make him run farther away.

And some return home due to guilt they ahve cycled to a mind change, they see your changes and want tot est their stability etc.

Go ahead, if you are willing, let him move home. Just don't think that at this early stage he will stay. It's also acceptable to tell him that he is not ready and cannot come home yet.

It seems that their are many posters who post about reconciliation at about the three months stage. Sweetheart came home after three months. I told him he wasn't ready--and he moved to a transition house. But I knew it wasn't going to last...but that I was still going to do my part in case it did.

Hope for the best, expect and prepare for anything.

It is too early to tell, but you may have a Drop-In--that seems to be the most common type around here.
Dropout, Droplet, Drop-In

As for being a friend and being kind...isn't that something a person should always do and be? Friends love and soemtimes love is tough, sometimes tough is what is kind. Those two things don't mean you are a doormat.

HUGS,
RCR

[HalfMissing]

When my H last mowed the lawn he commented on how tall the trees we had planted had gotten. They were 3 feet tall when we planted them and are now over 30 ft tall. They notice these things but it is not real to them.

Continue to be kind to him, for yourself. There is no reason to be mean to him. It would just bring you down as a person. I am sure you are kind to strangers you meet, so treat your H the same way.

[bright 2 morro]

RCR,
Thank you for that link. I just checked it out. I have to say that my H is a Drop-in. He moved out but still stops by on his terms. He may only stay a short period of time but he does come. He tries to come and take the kids to daycare in the morning. He will come and take the boys (sometimes) when I have Dance and Girl Scouts with my daughter.

Last night he said he would and then he called and said he had to mow and could not take the boys. I took them with me and he did mow the lawn.

Up until this week I had not seen this as a good thing. I saw it as a major problem. Now I have learned to deal with this and can handle it a whole lot more. Is it bad for me to let him do this. I do not want him to think he has his cake and can eat it too. How do I set boundries? What kind of boundries can I set to let him know that it is ok but I still need to move on.

I have asked him not to just walk in because he moved out and has his privacy so I should have mine also. For the first time today he actually rang the door bell. It has almost been 1 week since I asked him and he just started ringing. I have seen everyother variation of an attempt to only somewhat respect my request. Probably, to push my buttons.

mimi

[bright 2 morro]

I know that this phase could take a long time. But what is the shortest about of time you have seen.