My Heart is Aching

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I finally realized last night that I am still "walking on eggshells" w/ H. We had a few very, very short "discussions" about our sitch before he left, but that was only me asking if we were going to be ok and H saying "It's all going to be fine, Baby."

I didn't want to "rock the boat" or cause any sort of problems, especially as the time got shorter and shorter before he left. I just wanted him leaving on nothing but good terms, etc.

Well, I went out on a limb last night finally and sent him the following email:

"Dearest H,

I'm sitting here tonight missing you so very much. I just love you so much, Babe, and I so wish I could just hold you right now. I guess it's finally sinking in . . . the reality of you being gone . . . I feel as if so much has been left unsaid between the two of us after all that we have been through since January. My heart still aches when I think about how much hurt we have been through. I never meant to hurt you or betray your trust in the ways that I now know that I did. I never meant to reject you in any way. I guess I was so lost, I didn't know how to take care of you anymore. I'm so very glad I have found my way and I truly pray every day that I am fulfilling your every need as your wife. I just cannot imagine life without you. We miss you so very much.

I don't know if you realize how much respect I have for you as a man, as a father and in your career. I know how much those "kids" mean to you and how much your job and it's responsibilities mean to you. I just hope that you have always known how supported you are in your endeavors.

I hope you no longer feel the need to get any sort of emotional comfort from anyone other than me. I hope that I have been fulfilling all of your needs in that area. I still feel so very insecure about that part of our marriage. It hurts me so very much when I think about you talking to another woman on a regular basis about all the things I want you to be sharing with me.

I'm sitting here "writing" this to you and I can hear "S2" in the other room singing the "Bumble-bee" song (won't my mommy be so proud of me). "S3" is walking all over the house now and he looks so funny the way he walks. I just want to be sure that you know that I'm taking very good care of our boys. I'm supporting them in every way that I can because this is really hard on them as well.

I hope that you take every opportunity while you are over there to explore new things and places. I think you should go on all the trips that you can -- experience all of the different places, culture, etc. that you can. And then bring it all back and share it with us. I would love that.

I just want you to know how much you are loved and missed, H. How very important you are in our lives. How very proud of you we are, whether we like you being gone or not, I am helping "S1" to understand that you are helping to protect our country and that is so very admirable.

So, what do you guys think? He has not responded, but I know he had to have read it because he responded to another email I had sent earlier w/ S1's baseball pic.

I realized last night as I was doing my final check on the boys before I went to bed that, if H ever did choose to leave, we would be ok. Or, better yet, I realized I would be ok. Yes, it would suck and hurt for a very long time, but I would live. I guess that's why I finally decided I wasn't going to just sweep our sitch under the rug anymore. I need to be able to talk openly w/ my H about EVERYTHING and that includes the sitch or I am going to continue to feel somewhat distanced from him.