W is home from church and asleep. Everything is so peaceful right now.

Had a heck of a rough time with my S14 tonight. He really broke around 7:30 or so tonight. We got into a bit of a teenager versus Dad thing, I wanted him to eat something, he really is wild at heart, he goes and goes then 9PM rolls around and he is starving. I told him to come in and eat, he bucked, still came in and ate a sandwich but then wanted to run back out and work on some BMX tricks with his friends on their ramps. He's eating standing up and I lost my cool. I told him to sit down, slow down and eat. He bucked and I snapped. I was wrong. He got very upset, more than normal.

I asked him to talk to me, I wanted to make sure everything is okay before letting him go out and run wild for a couple of hours. He sat down and just broke. I felt like someone reached into my chest, grabbed my heart, twisted and crushed. It would have been easier if they would have just yanked my heart out, then the pain would have stopped. It was intense.

Basically, he said we, W and I, fight all the time and though W has told him that we are both trying as hard as we can, and I have told him I'm trying as hard as I can, he doesn't see things getting better. He is afraid that I am going to leave or we are going to get a D. One of his friends just went through the experience of his parents divorcing. S14 doesn't want to deal with "that stuff". I asked him about that, what stuff? He said, things like, who to live with, where do you want to spend Christmas, seperate birthday parties...., it was pretty enlightening as to how much these kids have thought about this stuff and the stress it creates for them. S14 said his friend just wants to go live with a friend so then he wouldn't feel like he is betraying his dad by living with his mom.

WTF.

This upset me so much. I was able to keep it under control. S14 asked me, "please promise you are really trying as hard as you can".

I don't or can't know exactly what emotion or thoughts I was feeling and wrestling with at that moment. I was so enraged that my son is dealing with this. Not a few moments before he was talking about some 'fakie' trick he and his friends are working on but just can't seem to get enough speed going up the ramp..., and now here we are, him broken, dealing with very adult thoughts and feelings that he shouldn't have to deal with. I wanted so bad to tell him, listen big man, I will never leave but your mother wants me to leave or she will leave, so it's out of my hands. I wanted to much to put it out there, that yes, I screwed up, yet I'm working my butt off to repair the damage. Because her C told her that she has to start to "major in W", and put herself first so she can be better and that will be better for the kids, therefore the only possible solution to any of this is for us to D. I wanted to scream, I've said a thousand times that I don't want this, and she has said ten thousand times to anyone that will listen that she does.

I know how wrong that is.

I hugged him and told him that I was committed to working my butt off, to trying as hard as I could try. That I would do everything in me to make sure we stay together as a family. And as much as it sucks, I told him that his mother is working just as hard and just as committed. I actually said it pretty smoothly despite my internal struggle at that moment.

He seemed to settle some and after a few moments to get himself together he went out and played hard until 9 or so. Came home and it was as if nothing had happened. Cool.

W got home around 11PM. Seemed in a decent enough mood. She had called earlier to say she was dropping something off at her friends house then would be right home. She made a few comments about how she wasn't going to go in, or hang out, just drop off her friends kids, (they went to kids church, their mom doesn't go to church any longer), and then she was leaving. This has been a sticking point before. On days when I wouldn't see W all day, and then she would go other places or whatever after practices or services I would get a little miffed. I wanted her to come home or even meet me somewhere and lets catch up. Now I've just accepted that she doesn't want to spend time with me, so trying to make it happen is counter-productive. So after the third time of her saying how she wasn't going to stay there, just drop off and get home.., I wanted to do a 180 and say, don't worry about it, do what you want to do. But I couldn't. I know I should have but I just started to get pissed about this whole situation and the conversation earlier with S14. I wanted to say something so bad, I didn't. I was able to say to myself, closer or farther?

Saying something would only push me farther away, which would only hurt him more at this point. I doubt it would even faze her. I couldn't do it.

Put on my best salesman of the year voice and I said, okay, see you when you get here and hung up.

Today has been a struggle for sure. W is telling all of our mutual friends about how much she wants a D and why. Basically that I was insanely jealous, stalked her and all that.

Okay. I accept that. I did do a lot of wrong things. Usually I don't defend myself about that stuff. Today though, after I found out she told our friends in Michigan during her recent trip there and according to her they think I'm "psycho" and she's "not safe here alone". I want to talk to all of them and ask them a few things. How about this for starters, you're married a few years and suddenly one day your spouse stops touching you. You go weeks without physical contact. No kissing, no hugs, they pull away when you take their hand, they won't look at you. You know something is up but they won't talk. You can tell they have been crying but still they won't let you in. When you do have sex, no kissing, no anything, just the mechanics and get it over with asap.

Yes dear friends, try that on for about 4 years or so and let me know how it fits. Tell me that you wouldn't start to wonder, if you wouldn't start to look, snoop and pry. To see if there is someone else, because on the surface, this has all the indications that there is someone else involved. Then your spouse tells you, I was sexually abused, you hear some of what happened, whatever they can share with you. Now you feel the full weight of what your spouse was dealing with and the realize the damage you have done.

So there you have it. That is what I'm struggling with today. Yes I engaged in some really bad behavior. No doubt about it. I've stopped though and I'm working hard on recovering ME. The me the was lost during that time of uncertainty. Yet, she still gets to paint me as the psycho stalker to all of our mutual friends who formerly knew me as something quite the opposite.

In DR Michele talks about the need to be strong. Today was a steroid strength day. Even now, I'm venting here because I want to walk up to our room where she is peacefully sleeping and unload all of this shite on her. How dare you sleep as if nothing is going on while our S14 breaks. How dare you tell our friends, who have no business knowing our business, that I'm some sort of stalker psycho without at least giving them the full story.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. I'll get up in a few hours, go for a run, call Chuck, go to work, pump iron during my lunch break, come home and play with my kiddies and keep on keeping on. God willing of course. Her issues are just that, HERS.