She always seemed to want to maintain a deathgrip on me, and I was always trying to hold her at arms length. This had to have been heartbreaking for her and poisoned every interaction we ever had.
Interesting that you should comment this way because the contents are almost word for word what my H says about his adoptive mother. He felt like she was babying him, more so than his sister, who was their biological daughter, and he said it was "very suffocating". I never met his adoptive mother, even though we were together for 3-4 years before she passed away. H had no desire to see her, visit her, call her. He never had any contact with her at all during that time period. Since she has passed away (some 15 years or more) I doubt I have heard him say one nice thing about her. Said that every time they got together it was nothing but negative. However, I am sure she meant well, tried to give him the best home she knew how but he was reluctant to accept any of it.
Now, having said that, I wasn't adopted but I did not receive the love and attention from my biological mother that a young child should and I had very little connection with my mother. As horrid as it is, I have to say I don't miss her either (she passed away 14 years ago) and I didn't even go to her memorial. We came to an "agreement" of sorts a couple of years before she passed away but it was more over a personal matter than anything. We never talked about the R between us, nor did I ever in my whole life hear her say "I'm sorry" for anything, no matter what.
I changed that with my daughters - it was tough because I had nothing to go on, no guidance, no examples to follow. But, I am proud to say I have two wonderful daughters that I am close to and we have an awesome relationship. We are friends, but I am also their mother and my oldest (the one I particularly had a LOT of problems with when she was younger - has come to me on a number of occasions and thanked me for loving her "even when it must have been hard to". My daughter (who is now 30) even said "I never truly understood the sacrifies you made for us when we were little but I sure do now, thanks mum". That, in itself, was worth all the pain of her upbringing.
I made a point of not being like my mother (as much as I truly believe she did the best she could with what she had) and it has paid off, royally.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
