Well. I think he keeps bringing up this whole 'past' thing as a way of eleviating his own guilt. I don't want to minimize his pain, but I'm not sure it is legitimate pain... in the sense that he is still 'suffering.' I think it is a way to project his own inability to own his actions onto you. "If you had not done that, then I never would have done what I did." His actions are his responsibility. The two scenarios are in no way related. Arguing about it, however, get you nowhere. Whenever he brings it up, you can simply say, "I have no doubt that is how you feel." If he comes back with something like, "well, how else am I supposed to feel?" you can say... "I wouldn't know, I'm not you. I'm taking you at your word."
In this way, you validate what he is saying, but you in no way take ownership or responsibility for HIS feelings.
On the things you are finding... put offish. I understand. I think it is perfectly legitimate to have your own wants and needs addressed. But someone has to go first. Yes. He is the one who had the EA, and you are the one who feels like you are doing the 'work.' Welcome to the club.
But one way to derail him is to go down this road with him, for the more you 'resist' and struggle against him, the more 'legitimate' he is going to feel in his views. You remove that from the table... he has no defense left.
Now, I'm not advocating that you do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but I would encourage you, again, to try and desensitize yourself to vulgar talk and his awkward approaches. You can deal with them down the road.
I understand the shaving part... but maybe you could suggest that he shave you... if you don't mind anal... give it a go and say to yourself I'm willing to do this once a month or once every two... if you are in any way uncomfortable with it, say no, mean no, and don't budge.
With swallowing... if you are willing to try it again (taste buds lose their sensitivity as we get older, so it may not be as bad for you now), if you are willing to try it again, make sure his penis is at the far back of your mouth when he comes... that way it goes straight down your throat, and you don't get much taste.
Or when he comes... hold your breath, swallow, and have a glass of water close by to down. Kind of like holding your nose when you ate something you didn't like as a kid, and then washing it down with milk.
I think you should tell your H that you would like to explore your sexuality with him (if that is what you want to do), but that you will expect his patience and understanding if you come to something you just can't bring yourself to do.
I would sit down with him and make an agreement that anger and sex do not go hand in hand, and that if you get to something you are balking on, it is not necessarily because you don't love him or are rejecting him, but because YOU just aren't feeling comfortable yet. He doesn't have to understand it, but he does have to honor it... if he can do this for YOU... then you may be able to find the courage to try again.
But make sure he understands, clearly, that anger, pouting, and storming from the bedroom, for you, are intolerable. He needs to understand that you are in this together, and if he expects YOU to challenge and stretch yourself sexually, you expect him to challenge and stretch himself emotionally and in the self-control area.
