I'd avoid sending the article....I don't see what good it will do ya.
Also, I agree with Heywyre. I got some great PMA as I started to GAL - lost weight, working out, getting out with some male friends and there were women that were starting to notice. But one thing I knew for darn sure - I wasn't ready for any type of relationship - and it would have broken a vow for myself. I too think it'll be game over with the hottie should you indulge - and I don't mean just with your W, but with the hottie as well because the thrill of the hunt will be over.
In the end, what Frank_D and I both did was to stand by our principles - steadfastly and ultimately we let go. You know, there was another program I followed which shall remain nameless (because the moderators censor it) - but one of the main principles was to stop disagreeing (to me this was a stronger build off of Michelle's Act As If). When I FINALLY got it - I stopped disagreeing with my W and just accepted it was over. I made it clear that as much as I wanted it to be different, I understood what she was telling me - that the love was gone and our M was over. You see, a WAS truly believes that walking away is their only option. Once they have started this path, there is no arguing or convincing that will work. I really believe that you have to LET them live that reality.
When I finally got it, my W was saying "I cannot love you anymore, its just gone" to which I wouldn't argue that there is anything there. I would agree. I would say "you know, I understand, I really became unlovable and I understand". BUT, then I would live the ALTERNATE reality of becoming a better man, father, and ultimately husband (even if at the time it meant that at some point it was with someone else). As that happened, and my W saw the changes "sticking" and my R with my kids getting better, and mutual friends KNOCKED out about how I looked, etc. she started to come around.
The next phase was she would say things like "I don't know if I can trust you". I would once again, agree. I'd retort, "I understand - I have trouble trusting myself sometimes - I mean I am very focused on becoming a better man, only time will tell if I do". Then she would say "I feel like I am losing my best friend". Here is the trick - I could say "No, you're not, I'm still going to be here". Well that is BS. I'm not. Trains leaving. I wouldn't be rude about it, but instead, I would agree - "yes, that's going to be hard". She would say, "you mean we won't talk every day". "No", I would say, "unless there was some kid specific thing, I don't think my future girlfriends or spouse will be comfortable with that". Again, train is leavin' the station darlin'.
The more this happened, the more comfortable *I* became that I was again in control of my life. It doesn't mean that I was happy with the fact it was happening - I still wanted my M back - but at least *I* was choosing my reality. And I KNEW if I kept the focus on being a good man, father, etc., she was eventually bound to come around. It was just a matter of time. So, I would lay low, GAL, answer only one out of three phone calls, etc. I STOPPED saying ILY. I stopped waiting for a goodbye kiss. If asked, I would give one, but I was on my journey and refused to look needy. That is an attraction killer if there was ever one!
What I am saying through all of that is that DON'T leave out of spite or resentment - they aren't selfserving and will only be selfdestructive and they come from a place of fear. Instead, allow your heart to come from a place of love. I used to hate the old addage, "if you love someone, set them free". You know what, if you really do love someone, you will. When we approach our relationships with fear - it's like an infection that won't go away. We're jealous, needy, unattractive. When we approach from a place of unconditional love, we're liberated because the folks we care about the most, aren't supressed - and you both can just "be".
This is a huge leap of faith.
But consider this. If you were to be liberated - and living a life for yourself that was not unlike what attracted your W to you in the first place, is that a bad thing?. And remember how unconditional your love for her was back then. And work toward making yourself that person again - you have a shot. And if you focus on the things you feel are the most important in your life - put your kids right after yourself - you'll only become a better dad. More attractiveness. And if your W notices, then great. And if she still doesn't - do you really want to be trapped in a loveless R - holding each other prisoner? Just imagine if you take that learning on to your next R - how much more powerful it could be?
To close, that is how I approached mine. On December 5th, 2005, my M died (after months if not years in a coma). In early February, I buried it, took off my ring and said, okay even if we do get back together, I commit to never be the relationship it was. In otherwords, I won't build it on the old foundation, I'm starting anew. Three months later, I moved home and started all over again....
But I had to let go first....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
