Hey Lou - if the C gives us a printed version of the test, I would be more than willing to make it available to people on the board. I don't know if I would be able to post it on here but might be able to email it to you guys.
I will let you know on Friday.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre I don't know if I would be able to post it on here but might be able to email it to you guys. It would be interesting to look at.
I did look at several compatibility teats that were on-line. Many were of the humorous nature. Some of those might be relevant to identifying compatibility/differences but I still would like to know how to make the differences work so the R would be better, or know what to avoid doing so the R is less damaged.
I was thinking about the Enneagram books and wondering if there were compatibility books with information about what to do to when differences cause R problems.
I was reading about "fun loving people" on Cemars thread and how you said your H was fun to be with despite the OW problems.
I tend to be on the serious side of the fun spectrum. Sometimes it is difficult for me to find the fun in activities. My sister was married to a "Fun" type guy. He was a cheater and no one could depend on him.
Fun seems to go along with optimism. I have a friend that is using the materials from "The Secret" Rhonda Byrne, to boost her optimism. It works for her sometimes.
Well Lou, fun is how YOU preceive it. I consider my H to be fun, but others might not. As a matter of fact, some think he's quite strange. I guess my perception of "fun" is just having a lot of the same interests. We have always been able to communicate about everything (other than our R obviously - which is getting better)
When I say "fun" it doesn't mean he (or we) are out partying every night. That is probably one of the things we least do. We have a small circle of friends we see fairly regularly, but for the most part our "fun" consists of watching one or two programs a week that we both like, going for a drive/walk in the country, spending time in the garden, discussing current worldly issues. Some might not consider that fun, but I do, perhaps it is because it is being shared with someone I love AND like as a person.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
........ Some might not consider that fun, but I do, perhaps it is because it is being shared with someone I love AND like as a person. Well, if you like it, then it is fun or highly pleasurable.
The activities you listed are enjoyable to me. I am not a party person and don't drink or go to bars/clubs/commercial entertainment places.
our "fun" consists of watching one or two programs a week that we both like, going for a drive/walk in the country, spending time in the garden, discussing current worldly issues. I wish I could do similar things with BB. We have a few TV programs "WE" like. The drives and walks, its too hot/cold or too something for BB. Garden, that is outside so that is my work, but BB will water the plants. Discussing current events and world issues, that doesn't happen. BB has her long list of opinions and some seem radical/hard-line to me.
My comparison might sound like a complaint but it's more of a statement as to me not being able to make much progress with our R.
Not much Fun, differences, compatibility issues, or something else? Who knows. That is why looking at compatibility work sounded interesting.
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Yes, I have filled out a couple of those questionnaires however I find them a little too generalized for the most part, like most online type of stuff. I am hoping this one the C gives us will be a little more insightful. I doubt it will tell us we are NOT compatible as we have pretty much always been "friends" and have a lot of the same interests.
However, to be compatible there has to be a lot more than just common everyday interests. There are other things that a lot more deep rooted - i.e. moral values, the infamous "boundaries" our C keeps talking about, religious/spiritual and/or political views - just to name a few
My H and I never had children together, this is my second marriage and his third and my children were 8 and 10 when we got together, and now we are empty nesters, so the 'children' aspect of things was never an issue like it is for so many others on the board. So, perhaps, that is one of the reasons we concentrated more on what we had in common than a lot of younger couples do when they first get together.
I am not saying it is perfect, by any stretch, and there is always room for improvement, but for the most part I can work around our differences
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Good to hear you used some of the Marriagebuilder items.
However, to be compatible there has to be a lot more than just common everyday interests. There are other things that a lot more deep rooted - i.e. moral values, the infamous "boundaries" our C keeps talking about, religious/spiritual and/or political views - just to name a few. That is a starting list for sure. It might be a short list. It might be a long list. All I know is is not much or what to do some days.
we are empty nesters Same here. Our kids are 34 and 36. Sometimes I feel they were enough glue to keep us headed in a similar direction. There is also a certain amount of bonding after 39 years of M. Our shared interests area is weak.
for the most part I can work around our differences That is good to hear.
Well, I should have figured the C wouldn't give us a copy of the questionnaire to take home - after all, better that we should do it on his time and pay him for it right? - lol
Anyway, the questionnaire was called Dyadic Adjustment Scale for couples - you can find a fair amount of information about it online
It covers 4 basic subgroups
Dyadic Consensus Assesses the extent of agreement between partners on matters important to the relationship: religion, recreation, friends, household tasks, and time spent together.
Dyadic Satisfaction Measures the amount of tension in the relationship, as well as the extent to which the individual has considered ending it. Higher scores on Dyadic Satisfaction indicate satisfaction with the present state of the relationship and commitment to its continuance.
Affectional Expression Measures an individual’s satisfaction in the expression of affection and sex in the relationship.
Dyadic Cohesion Assesses the common interests and activities shared by the couple.
Each person fills out their own questionnaire and they are not to talk to each other or compare their answers at all !!
Then the C takes them and evaluates to see where each of the partners sits on the "average" scale.
H and I were pretty much deadon - not like I didn't already know that - but C seemed a little surprised we had so much in common.
However, here is the interesting part. The only question - one question!!! - we differed in, was to do with the sexual aspect of our R. I basically said I wasn't happy at all with it, H said he was content. We were at exact opposite ends of the scale for that one.
So, we (all 3 of us) have decided for the next couple of sessions we are going to concentrate on the psychological aspect of the W/M complex and see where it leads us. C feels our M/R is strong enough at this point and we have weathered the storm (so to speak) and can now move on to this issue. If we don't feel it is helping, C will refer us to a sex therapist
Should be interesting - we go for our first session about this on Monday
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I'm pretty sure this won't surprise you a bit but my H and I took a few compatibility tests...different ones, but not that one I don't think. The only place we differed was sexually as well and I swear we could have said this exact same thing ourselves " I basically said I wasn't happy at all with it, H said he was content. We were at exact opposite ends of the scale for that one."
BUT...looking back on it now, of course he was happy with it, he was getting that need met elsewhere in a way that meant he didn't have to compromise how he viewed me.
Yup - only one question (but that didn't surprise me in the least. We have done compatibility tests in the past and they always say we were made for each other - lol)
The topic of difference? - sex of course. The question basically referred to the last several weeks of the relationship and whether or not emotions, anger, etc reflected on our sex life and/or were we satisfied with the level of intimacy in the relationship. H answered total contentment with the sex/intimacy level and I was completely at the other end of the scale. Other than that one question we were dead on in our answers (which involved our satisfaction level (i.e. satisfied, very satisfied, not satisfied at all etc.) with the level of household chores, recreational activities together, spending time with friends, style of dressing, the way we deal and/or the differences with finances, religion, spending habits, our clothing styles - that type of thing.
Now interestingly enough, just the day before we went to see the C, we were talking about a dream I had - and I was saying H had been extremely romantic (in the dream that is) and took me to this nice little cabin and it was all done up with flowers and candles (nothing really he couldn't pull off himself in reality) and I said "it was just soooooo romantic, it was nice" and H said "what do you mean, I'm romantic, I like to cuddle don't I?"
See what I am dealing with? He things "cuddling" is being romantic. I don't say it isn't a nice expression of caring and emotion but I would hardly put it in the "romantic" category.
However, on the plus side, he did say (while in C yesterday) that he "feels the best (he) ever has with regard to our relationship and that (he's) content" - so that's definitely a plus. When we came out of the C's office he repeated that he was "very content" and happy we had moved here and that he knew I didn't feel like that right now but hoped I would feel the same way soon
We went out to see a friend that had just had an operation and when we got home around 10, I was downstairs and heard him talking on the phone (which I thought was strange because he NEVER calls anyone after about 9) but I didn't snoop and say "who the hell are you calling at this time of night" and then today he told me he had made reservations for us to go out tonight at our favourite restaurant. We later went to visit his friend again and his friend said "what you doing later". Normally H would have said "we are going to XXX, wanna come along" but he didn't invite him and later said to me "I was going to invite (friend) but ..." and he hesitated and I said, it would be nice to be by ourselves tonight and he laughed and said "that's what I thought you would like so I didn't say anything". I thanked him
Maybe he is getting the hang of this eh? - either that or he's buttering me up for the cell bill coming next week (but that's being negative and we won't go there right now)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
