Yesterday when I got home from work she wanted to have a relationship talk.
Her main point of view was this “I just want you to understand how I feel, would you please explain to me your take on how I feel”.
I almost wanted to laugh but did not and I said “Well, you want security and you want trust. You have lost trust in me because I have asked you to leave on numerous occasions in a year. Is that it?” She was vague and I am still not sure what the hell she was trying to say. I think she is projecting on me in order to not feel guilty for messing up (No Intimacy!).
She asked “What do you not like about me?” I said (I tried to be nice), “I do not understand why you did not apply for the free State Medical Insurance for your kids months ago?”. I said “I do not like why you have not cleaned our room up even when I made a new walk-in closet for us. To me this shows disrespect to me.”
I also said “Look, I am done… I want Intimacy plain and simple….. Even if you started improving, I would question your sincerity, so actually I have lost my trust in you.” “I really don’t want to discuss this any further until next week after your finals are done.”
She had a counseling appointment yesterday by herself. She said the counselor stated that she has honesty issues and communication issues but he sees no major damage from her past. The counselor will NOT tell us that we should not be together. He feels this is unethical.
I left word for the counselor to call me this morning for a quick question. My question is this “In your opinion (after 18+ visits) Mr. Counselor, and your 20 years of experience and the fact that little progress has been made in 8 months…
What are the chances the Intimacy issue will crop up in the future and how long will this be an issue for us? He should have an answer of some kind!
Ok...first off. DO NOT take what she says the counselor said at face value. People OFTEN twist what someone says to them to fit their own agenda....not to mention that may not have been at all what the C said.
If she has honesty/intimacy (I find it interesting she didn't mention that one) issues....then that most likely stemms from her past, it's not something that suddenly crops up. That's why I say...don't take what she said the C said at face value.
Our MC wouldn't ever tell us that we should not be together either, she wouldn't make that call for us...it was ours to make.
The C is not likely to be able to tell you how long anything will be an issue for you two either....or even if the issues will crop up again in the future. What he most likely will say is that if they aren't dealt with, they probably will crop up again. What he might be able to say is "in general" how quickly you should see progress, but that it's not set in stone for everyone.
Even if this R ends, you may want to continue to see the C yourself. Whatever problems you had in your M and in this R will continue until YOU change -- switching Ps is never going to be enough.
Oldtimer, I agree. AN, this would be the 2nd relationship you've had where you've ended up lacking sex and intimacy. There is a reason you pick these partners, it would really benefit you to find out why you pick women like these...to help you to find a woman who better suites you in the future.
My first relationship was not completely void of sex and intimacy. I have clouded memories of this but it was for a long period of time (19 years). I would say that the last few years were on about a once per three week pace. However, for the most part she controlled that part of our lives.
Now, why would you say that I picked two that were like this? My current one showed no signs of this at all. In fact, just the opposite.
I am attracted to a ‘wild’ look in a women. Aren’t most men?
I think my personality may lead women to believe I am soft, too kind, etc… and that may seem unattractive to them as time progresses. For my current girl, I have done almost everything for her. Up until the last few months, she really had a bold spirit and attitude. Her attitude was ‘This is the way it is and you need to do these items on my list before I feel like letting you have sex with me’. ‘But I will go to counseling so WE can work on BOTH our problems”.
Of course she never said that but her attitude was of that nature. I think I enabled her to treat me like that for 6+ months and she relished in the control on one hand but on the other hand, she knew she was losing me. Her control needs were stronger than her desire to keep me happy. Does that make sense?
Today, she is scared and understands where I am at. I am not attracted to her.
Regardless of your GFs problems, I see problems in your own behavior, in your treatment of her, in how you talk about her and yourself that suggest that you need C yourself to work on your own issues if you want a happy, healthy R with anyone in the future, whether that is with GF, XW, or someone new.
I am attracted to a ‘wild’ look in a women. Aren’t most men?
I wouldn't bet on it.
I drew the conclusion that your first marriage was also sex starved from your own words. Perhaps it was phrased incorrectly, or perhaps I read into it.
But back to the phrase I quoted. If YOU are attracted to a "wild" look in a woman, AND you have a personality such as you do...where you give, and give, and give...and are pretty laid back. Well, not a good combination. Women like the ones you appear to be attracted to often want a STRONGER man themselves. One who won't let them run over them, or who won't allow them to dictate how things go....I'd go so far as to say many of them want that man to take control of THEM to an extent. That's not to say you aren't strong, but you don't appear it on the oustide. If you give, and give, and give...that equates to (sorry to say this) easily taken advantage of by a woman like what you seem to like. If you are fairly laid back, that can equate to easily run over. Both of those things over time...will turn off a woman with a wild/strong streak to her.
I really mean that as no insult to you either, I hope it doesn't come across that way. Today your current girlfriend is scared and understands where you are at (and she's making attempts) because you have become that strong male type that she is attracted to.
oldtimer: Do you think I have treated my GF badly? If so, please point these out to me. DOes my talking about her past and about her seem inappropiate. Maybe it was, but I was looking for an honest evaluation of her and not looking to make her look bad.
Green: It is amzing to see how much differnet she reacts to me since I have asked her to leave. I don't understand her thinking.
Thanks for both your comments. Yes, I will continue counseling but I would like to understand 'Why you think I need it so much'.
