I'm not sure I understood the exchange between you and your H. Were you trying to flirt with him, or demonstrate to him how it sounded to you (in an offensive way?) I took it to mean that this statement of his:
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"Watching you do this is making me want to f%&# it!"
offended you. Or rather, at least didn't turn you on.
I am not quite sure I understand your meaning when you said: So, in a perfect world, I would not have said anything?. What desire did you express? What words/phrases/actions is he doing that you find to be a turn off?
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How can I express my DESIRES, knowing that he can choose to go with them or not.
This is the very definition of vulnerability... showing someone your feelings and giving them complete freedom in how they may or may NOT choose to respond to you. The mere possibility of rejection is what keeps many people from ever revealing their vulnerability to their partners... and without vulnerability, intimacy is impossible. And perhaps that is why your sex life has felt empty or emotionally unsatisfying to you?
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I think Joey and I have both felt SO JUSTIFIED in our complaints, etc., for SO long that it is really challenging to change the mindset.
Oh yeah. Been there done that. My shrink always used to say to me, "Corri, do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?" Because being right has nothing to do with resolving issues. It just means you are 'right.' You see it This Way. Great. Now what? It does not change the fact that your H sees it That Way, and that there is a very good probability that the REAL truth is a mix of This Way and That Way.
So your attitude of 'do what works,' I think, is a good one. As long as you are able to do it without building resentment.
