I figured it was time for an update to my situation.
So.. things are still hot and heavy with the OM and my wife. But i am better.
I realized some hard things about myself and my personality, and am working on those things to improve myself. I can even see my wife's point of view on some major issues. Tough realizations.
I also understand that she has to deal with all this in her own way. Yes, I get angry and upset when she says things like, "I am not doing anything wrong, and i'm a good person", but i don't let her see it, and the level that those statements hurt are not nearly as great as a few months ago. I let them roll off my back, she is entitled to her own opinions and feelings. I don't have to agree with them, i just don't need to disagree with them.
She is still convinced that we can't work because of 'our differences', and I'm sure that it is a great deal influenced by the fact that she is feeling so happy with the OM. It hurts, but i try not to talk about it. Instead i have become a good listener, and a better friend to her. I don't push her to feel anything, and I don't disagree with her feelings. She says things like "i looked at houses today", and instead of showing the hurt, i respond with something like "fun times, huh", and leave it at that.
I still want to work on us, but i would never go back into our old relationship, so I figure I can't change her right now, but I can change myself. Maybe if we don't move in opposite directions, she will be ready to work on herself and us as well someday.
I have seen some positives recently, we talk for longer, we laugh more, and she is not as anxious to run upstairs and get on the phone, or do whatever she does at night. I don't start conversations anymore - but when she does, they are jovial, friendly, and continue into really nice times. I am hoping to create some times for us to spend together under the guise of doing things for our kids.
Its strange though, she knows how I feel, but she acts as though we have decided this together, and she is completely okay with what she is doing to our family. Like hey - we are good friends, but thats it. At the same time we seem to be getting closer.
The OM must be really doing a number on her. I pray that he turns into a jackass. I guess i can't control that, the only thing I can control is whether I'm a jackass.
Anyways, i guess the message is I am happier with myself right now than I have been in a long time. I don't feel like if she leaves me I will be lost and alone. (sometimes i do, but since i'm not feeling that right now - i'm going to stick with this positive feeling for as long as I can). I'm realizing that that is what detaching is all about. And the books, and the senior members are all correct, it is a positive.
If you don't like yourself, then how can your spouse like you. And if you like youself, and your spouse still doesn't like you, then maybe it should be over. For me right now it seems like my wife likes the same things i like in me. Unfortunately, she is blinded by this OM.
