IT'S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!

[RGM]

Well it happened last night. W began moving downstairs. This brought about the inevitable discussion w/ Ss. Prior to telling them, I told W to make sure she was planning on going through w/ it. I would not allow her to back out and try to come back and hurt Ss again. If she told them. That was final. She did. Then continued to move her stuff out. S8's reaction was about what I expected. From notunderstanding, to wanting to know why M can't keep working on it and learn to be happy and L Dad again. I don't know whether he took it better than me, went straight to denial that his P were splitting up, or don't understand it. He ended up being the one try to take care of me almost. Said he wished M would still L me like she used to.

There was alot of snuggling and lots of ILY last night. I've decided to keep Ss w/ me today. I figure we'll try to do some guy stuff.

I hate her for what she is doing to Ss.

W really has become a cold hearted, self-centered, b*&#).

[25yearsmlc]

RGM,


Hate to say this RGM, but imho, the biggest reason you forced your wife to tell them was to punish her for hurting you so much. True, the game of charades is really like the Movie Gaslight, where the H tries to make his w crazy by acting one way but doing the opposite. (We've ALL been cast in parts of that play, apparently). It hurts and feels insane. Still, you know in your heart the way it was worded was not designed to promote peace and sure didn't accomplish whatever goal you had, or did it?

Besides, remember that in YOUR WIFE"S eyes, this is Not her fault. It's like getting a bad headache, "just happens." No choice, no option, just "is." IF it is someone's fault, I suspect your wife thinks it's yours. So when you do anything she can view as punitive, you confirm her negative thoughts and justifications for leaving. The maternal guilt will/must overwhelm her if you get the kids.

So bear in mind that someday she may change her mind BUT you'll Never know, unless you KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH...if that's something you can do.


As for how many times one can "come back" if that is what she did....well I liken it to an addiction and recovery/relapse. Most recovered alcoholics/addicts DO relapse a time or two (I think the average is twice, according to those who'd been otherwise sober/clean for 20+ years). So, though it sucks, it could be a needed step.
hang in there,
j-

[BeingMe]

I am so sorry it has come to this! Your S's are lucky to have a dad like you, who was willing to work things out, and stand for his M, despite the obstacles. They are also lucky to have a family to support them.

Now you must try and let your W go, with as little resentment and anger as possible (more for yourself, than for her). Be civil, polite, courteous, especially in front of the kids. Do not let the children pay the price of your anger, pain, and hurt. It's not their job to make things right. It's their job to be kids, and have parents who protect them (even if one of them doesn't seem to be doing so right now). And, of course they're not going to understand all this grown-up stuff - they're kids, and don't have an understanding of the adult world, so don't expose them too much. Their understanding is pretty much black/white, and very little grey, so try not to burden them with too much info.

Seek legal counselling, so you know your rights, and be fair in your dealings with your W. I know you must be hurting right now, and very angry, and rightfully so, but revenge, or bitterness, will not help you in the long term.

Detach, GAL, move on, and continue being the man you are. Don't let the bad choices and actions of your W change you (perhaps they are the only choices she feels she can make right now). Be proud of yourself for trying to save your M, of doing all that you could, and now allow yourself some time to mourn the loss, but don't wallow too long. There is much adventure out there, to be had.

I am so glad that there are men on this bb like you (the ones that still have honour and a willingness to stand for what's right), who gave me hope when I needed it. So, know that there is always hope.

Take care.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

RGM, why are you cornering her into leaving, or losing? Giving in to you, temporarily, OR getting a divorce are the only options?

Maybe it's you that has to think of the fact that this is YOU giving her an ultimatum. So, are YOU ready to follow thru on that, and if so,why?
Just wondering.
j-

[AmyC]

I told W to make sure she was planning on going through w/ it. I would not allow her to back out and try to come back and hurt Ss again.

Hmmm....on one hand I understand the protectiveness that made you say that but....I wonder why you had to shut and lock the barn door like that?

Watch it with the ultimatums, RGM.
They have a way of coming back and biting you in the back pockets.

So did you move her or did she move herself?

[runningoutoftime]

I just went through some of your old posts. I could be completely wrong, but I'm going to share my take...

One thing you have to keep in mind is MLC is a like a wave you just have to try and ride out. It's not anything you can hurry through. And, from what you've described, I think your wife is probably still in the midst of it, and I think you have been holding onto some unrealistic expectations.

In fact you both seem to have high expectations of each other. My guess is you're expecting a realtionship closer to what your parents had and since you haven't been seeing that you've been holding onto some disappointment and resentment. And I imagine your wife senses this. I'm going to guess she also feels disapproval and a lack of support from you for her lifestyle choices (i.e. career over family, religious non-conformity or questioning, etc....). Even though I can understand your disappoval about these things (they wouldn't be my choises), sometimes our spouses do make choises and go in directions we don't particularly like or agree with, but to be content in marriage we need to let go of our own personal expectations and accept our spouses for these ideosyncracies or life choises. In fact, I think we sometimes need to stop for a moment, look at our own personal prejudices and do a little mental 180 and begin trying to appreciate their differences or adventurous spirit.

Have you been interested in the things she's doing? Have you been supportive of her decicions? (I'm not blaming you here! Just trying to get you to look at this from another perspective). I know she's done some nutty things, like get you into this whole parenting thing and now has kind of jumped back towards wanting career fufilment, but quite honestly it sounds like you had the more loving family background, maybe you are meant to be the more involved parent with your boys? At least for now. It sounds to me like she didn't have great parental role modeling, she may be feeling like a bit of a failure in the whole mothering thing and that might be why she's pulling away from it. Do you think she might have been needing more support and encouragement from you? That's not an easy thing for most men, but you do seem relatively in tune with things.

Anyhow, I hope you are not offended by this post, I'm just trying to offer another perspective that may help give you some insight... or I may be completely in left field!

[25yearsmlc]

Running,

good post. Woe to us all for the expectations, especially the unspoken ones...they seem to bite us all in the butts. And when we realize OTHERS expectations of US, it really hurts to realize we had no idea what our "role in their play" was this whole time. Lots of asking "wth??"

Super important to LOSE ALL EXPECTATIONS and even if you reconcile, Express the expectations, don't keep them to yourself or you'll set her/you up for failure.

I heard someone smart once say, "Ask 100% of the time for 100% of what you want, and be prepared to negotiate the difference."

j-

[MariS]

RGM,

You & I are in similar boats.

I too believe that my WAH-MLCer didn't come around the first time, but has given in. Hence, we, the LBS have extended the MLC & placed us in a quandry of what to do.

Is it better to continue where we are or to set "THE" boundry &
have WAS look @ it as an ultimatum through their MLC fog/haze? Thereby validating what their MLC mind considers us to be.

This is a concern that I am having on my own thread & will discuss w/DB Coach next Tuesday.

Until then, I can only tell you to follow yourself & do what you feel is right for you & family. Can you continue to live the way you are now, not knowing if W will ever "come around?"

Honestly, that is something that I am REALLY struggling w/myself, & am trying not to give up, since I made the choice many months ago "to stand."

Sending you all the PMA I can!

[MariS]

RGM,

Just checking in w/you & sending the PMA your way.

Still taking 1day @ a time & counting what blessings I am given.

Give an update when you can....

[MariS]

RGM,

Checking in since we haven't heard from you in awhile on the bb.

Let us know you are at least "okay."