Feeling like a fraud today. I'm struggling with just wanting to walk away. I dropped her at the gym today. W wants to get a workout in and then walk home. Cool. As I drop her, we say our goodbyes, I wish a good workout/day and she leans over to give me a goodbye peck on the lips.
Right before she gets to me she does this cringe/shudder type thing.
You know what? Like I need your freakin peck on the lips. God forgive my ungrateful heart but Jesus give me strength. I can get kisses like that from my grandma, aunts and friends...., and they won't act like they are going to puke prior, during and after.
So yes, I'm struggling with this today. I deserve better, maybe not with her because I made this bed, but with someone else now that my head is screwed back on correctly and I'm living my authentic, genuine 'I', I can be a great addition to someones life.
Am I ungrateful? Sadly, yes because I know there are good, loving people here that have been left behind that would give 10 years of their life to have THAT much effort from their WAS. Am I asking God to forgive me and soften my heart? NON-STOP!
What is the right direction to take? Should I just name the elephant in the room? Tell her, look, I can tell you don't want to kiss/touch/hug me, so don't until you are ready? Or should I leave it alone, treat it as something she is working through/effort she is giving, and considering she is a strong willed, tough woman, she wouldn't if she didn't want to try?
