How do they stop loving us?

[Struggling_Husba]

I've been at this 4 months now. I have a better understanding for what I contributed to the demise of my M, and I have a better grip on MLC thanks to you folks.

What I still can't understand is how my wife just stopped loving me. From snooping (I know, I know, I should stop...) I know that she "feels nothing" when she talks to me. And she is surprised at this feeling of nothingness. She asks herself how she can just stop caring about someone. Then she says she cares but just does not love me.

I don't get it. How is that possible after 22 years and 2 kids to just stop loving me. I can understand that she may not want to be married to me, but not love me at all? It seems to harsh for me to accept, and too much of a threat to my notion of what love is.

But if I step back, it's not that sudden or that unreal, I suppose. I have not felt the love from her for some time. I used to feel (pre-bomb) that she could not stand the sight of me. Now I know I was not imagining things. She really has not loved me for a while. "A slow erosion over several years," she says.

So sad. When I don't snoop, I sometimes get the illusion that things might be OK, that we might be able to reconnect after she has moved out and gone through her own stuff for a while. Then I read her writings and get a harsh dose of reality. It's no love for me and lots of infatuation with her cybersex boyfriend.

I need to detach, work on my abandonment recovery stuff, get a life and just see what happens. I need to let go of the outcome, let go of my illusion of control, try to accept reality.

Our custody agreement should be final any day now. Just haggling over legal details. Then she'll finally move out, 4 months post bomb. She has started spending pretty wildly, spending down our joint assets before we divide stuff up when she leaves.

Bracing for a new wave of pain when she moves out. Still have to tell the kids (D6 and S3). Very anxious about how they'll handle it. I welcome any advice about how you broke the news to your young kids. Do I make my W take responsibility for being the one who wanted to end the M?

-SH