CL, Good job with the dancing. I think I would do the same thing you have stated about not going without W to NC. Even though she has disappointed you, as long as there is a chance for you two, you are showing her that she is first in your life. You are taking your vows seriously that God says you shall leave your family and put her first. She seems to be showing interest in you so play it by ear as the trip gets closer.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
CL, I moved over hear after reading your post to me in the piecing forum. thank you for your input. there are sop many wise people hear in DB. I don't post much but read plenty. I think you are doing a wonderful job at GAL and making new friendships. Your wife i suspect is really noticing the change and taking notice thinking to herself who is this person, he's pretty cool! Great job keep up the good work.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Yoyo, Matilda, and Jak, Thanks for your comments, insight, and pep talks. It helps to know you are tracking my situation, are thinking about me, and want the best for me. You are all in my thoughts too.
I do have my Friday night dance venue. I'm eager to try out a new combination I learned in dance class this week. I have my yoga class on Saturday. I'm working thru a collection of short stories called "Bad Haircut, by Tom Perrotta. It's about growing-up in the seventies. It's bringing back some happy memories of things I haven't thought about in a long time.
My W continues with her higher cleaning standards. She flips-out if there is any whiff of cat litter odor. It's helped me to be more consistent at helping-out around the house with weekly maintenance chores.
She also is in a home improvement mode. She replaced the doorknob on the guest room door (where I'm currently sleeping). It does look better versus the old 50 year old one. She's looking forward to me being gone in two weeks, so she can work on the hardwood floors. I think the projects give her something meaningful to work on, and a brighter, cleaner space makes her life feel less chaotic.
She is getting closer to making a job change. She is now talking about giving her boss notice that she will be leaving in a matter of months. She makes 25K, and has a graduate degree, and a wealth of experience in the business and social services field, so should not have much trouble upgrading to a better suited position. I'm trying to let this process play itself out, rather than take over the job hunting for her.
She continues with her pattern of sleeping elsewhere. It was 10X in April.
I went to the library directly after work on Wednesday night, without telling her. I'm experimenting with the mystery that some DBers talk about. After I was running about an hour later than usual, I got two calls on my cell phone. She doesn't want me to stray too far.
I'm looking forward to the weekend, unless she talks me into going to another family obligation--her neice and nephew's piano recital. I've told her I'm not going since I have my own family trip in two weeks. I think it's more important to take care of myself at this time, versus being loyal to my W regarding visiting her family.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL. Very interesting that she doesn't want YOU to stray too far, but she can be a GW whenever she wants!?!? Did you answer the phone both times she called? I always had a hard time adding mystery to my life; not answering the phone was hard enough : - ) (guess I can't do smileys when I hit "quick reply").
Matilda and Jak, My W called me on Friday afternoon, letting me know that her tolerance for her job situation is getting lower. Her pattern is to stay until she can't take it anymore, versus looking for something else and making a smooth transition. I'm going to try to relax and accept that it's not going to be a perfect transition.
She let me know that she's appreciated my support with this. I want to send the message that she is more important than any short-term financial inconveniences. I need to make sure that I support her thru this transition, listen a great deal, and not put any additional stress on her. If any financial problems arise, approach it in a problem-solving manner versus worrying about what is beyond my control.
She also is taking a greater interest in being my dance partner. She wants me to ask her for help and to practice. She says that it makes her feel good, when I listen and validate her feedback. I'm at a skill level where I can incorporate what she says. Before, I was thinking of so many things, that her comments overwhelmed me.
Her sister and family stopped over yesterday for a brief visit. It was a wonderful time. We displayed our dancing skills, and taught the sister and her two children some basic steps. Her husband got a break and took a nap.
Her competition dance partner is stopping by today. She asked me to stick around, and "pick his brain" for dance tips.
I'm not worrying as much about her sleeping elsewhere behavior. I have a feeling that once she increases the positives in her work life, she won't feel a need to escape as much. I don't think the EA/PA (still not confirmed, but likely) is any serious threat to the M. I think some of her sleeping elsewhere behavior is simply sleeping on a friend's couch.
She kissed me on the forehead as she was leaving for the evening to meet some friends at a dance venue. I stayed home to watch "The Prince of Tides." I seem interested in watching and reading about wounded people and families, these days.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, spent some time at the library today. I've got a couple books on hold that you suggested. I didn't want to come home empty handed so I checked out another one of Susan Jeffer's books, Embracing Uncertainty. Have you seen it? I also found a book called The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield. (I had forgotten to write down the author of Lovingkindness. Will try that next trip). Thanks for the suggestions.
CL it is very interesting that when you created mystery she wanted to know where you were. Good sign! keep thinking of things to create that mystery be vague, it has worked for me.
COuld it be that your wife would take a differant job if it weren't what she is going through right now. That she thinks she really doesn't need more upheaval right now things are very confusing for her. You are being very supportive thats great, especially while creating mystery because it still lets her know you are interested in her life but that you can live without her.
Great job! jak
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Matilda and Jak, I watched the "Prince of Tides" on DVD over the weekend. In this movie, the protoganist Tom, goes to New York to meet with his sister's psychiatrist to help her piece together a family background. Tom is disconnected from everything in his life (a MLC), due to a troubled upbringing. He ends up having an affair with her. The affair helps him to reconnect with lost parts of himself, and to experience love and being loved. He takes this experience, and realizes that he needs to take his love back home to his W and daughters.
My W seems to be showing more gratitude for the positives in her life. She is grateful for our home, and my loyal support.
Her annual review went much better than she expected. Her boss had many positives to say about her. Her boss is cranky, so it was hard for my W to know that she was valued. This should take much pressure off of her. This will take away the urgency of making a job change.
She called me today, and is getting ready to make a commitment to quit smoking. I've done a 180 on this topic. I used to try and influence her to take medication or go to support groups. I've realized that she has to quit on her terms, at her pace, in her own way. The way for me to help the process is to work on my own happiness, work on our friendship, and assist directly if she asks.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
