still a confused mess

[HalfMissing]

I thought I would start a new thread. I am still a confused mess.

H flew to visit his OOW this weekend. (This is only the second time he has seen her.) She supposedly left her abusive husband again after he broke her arm. H had to see that she was "ok". H is telling me details about the trip and it still sounds like she is scamming him to me. Supposedly her H broke her arm, but she never went to a doctor, didn't get a restraining order, and left her 4 kids in the house with him while she is living with her parents a few blocks away. WTF? How screwed up is she if she left her kids with a man who broke her arm. She is wearing a splint from a previous sprain rather than a cast. H claims they are just friends since she is not ready for a relationship, but maybe a few years down the line he would see them having one since he is "in-love" with her. He also claims he is not sending her money. I know detach, detach, detach. I am angry that H pulled this at the minute and left me to be the one to tell S7 that Daddy can't see him this weekend to learn how to bike ride as he had promised all week. I get so mad thinking of how I scrimped and saved for so many years and now H can piss away money on airfare, hotel, and a rental car to "see if she is ok". It was only a 7 hour drive. When I wanted to go away on vacation in August, H said no so we could save the money. Grrr....

When H and I last talked about our R and maybe going to counseling, he said it was "something to think about" in a way that seems to mean "no" to me. He is still acting relatively normal and not spewing. He chit-chats in person and on the phone, but is definitely not the old H I knew.

I see a counselor tomorrow. I hope she can help me figure out how to GAL better. I keep alternating between severe depression and somehow coping. I can't function at work well and know I am not the mom I was. The depression and weight loss are sapping all of my energy. Please don't tell me, "just get active and do things" like my mother does. I am bone tired all the time. I think I will feel better once I get my weight back up. (I think eating cheesecake and ice cream is helping. I gained a little back. I tried Boost, but it made me feel too sick.) I can get out of bed during the week but seem to collapse on the weekends.

I am also not sure if I want to keep waiting or not. Everyone tells me to divorce him, but I am not ready yet for that. I also hope that the counselor can help me find ways to start being happy without a man in my life. I am one of those people who feel so lonely when they are not in a relationship. I want to change this but don't know if that is possible.

I try to picture possible futures for myself:
1) Miracle happens, H comes home and there is great rejoicing.
2) I DB for years and H never comes back.
3) I get a D and I am miserable and lonely and never find happiness.
4) I get a D and find a new relationship and am happy again.

I wish I had confidence that numbers 1 or 4 could happen. Right now, I only see numbers 2 or 3, or some other sad alternative happening.

Its funny, before all this happened I was so confident in the future. H and I would live happily ever after and grow old together. It was so clear. Boy, was I deluded.

Do you have any suggestions of things I should discuss with the counselor? This is my first visit so I don't know what she is like.