Had to take a phone call there. She was very upset. She said, "okay, fine I'll stay and I'll be numb for the rest of my life and everyone else will be happy". I realized that this was too far gone at this point. I honestly had tried numerous times to end the conversation. So I said, 'look you won't be numb, the feelings, the great part of you that loves, cares and is so kind to everyone else, will come back with enough time, it will work'.
She actually began to calm down some and talk about how it's okay for her to have friends and to go out. I agreed, she mentioned another friend that said to her, "you guys need to call me, any friday night I can go out". She said, 'see, even ____, who is ms. church poster child will go out with us on Fridays and her H won't have a problem with it because it's normalcy, a healthy relationship'. I agreed again. Now I was totally focused on validating and working solutions. She seemed get calmer and calmer as I focused on validating, looking her in the eyes, (as much as you can at 3AM or so) and really listening.
Just as things were going a productive route..., D6 bursts in the door, says her throat is hurting, (she stayed home from school yesterday due to fever and under the weather). D6 went in to use our bathroom and W and I called a truce. W went to attend to D6, ended up letting her lie in our bed. I kissed D6 goodnight, savored a few moments of touching her beautiful angel face and then again, old habits die hard, leaned over and kissed W on forehead. W didn't respond positive or negative. I didn't linger there as it was a honest to goodness habitual type, kiss babies, kiss W thing. I was thankful she didn't pull away or otherwise make it known that she didn't appreciate contact. I pulled a 180 here in that I told her I was going to go downstairs and sleep on the couch so W and D6 could have plenty of room, plus D6 had a fever and an extra body in our bed would just raise the tempature more. W seemed to appreciate this.
Plus I had to get up in an hour at that point to get in to work.
I did speak to her briefly a little bit earlier today, she is taking my D9 to the dentist, so we discussed this briefly, and also a bit about a dustup with my S14 that occurred last night. This has been a point of contention between us, regardless of any other issues. W took him to lunch today and talked. S14 is frustrated with inconsistencies he sees in me. I tell him to speak respectfully to W, yet I don't, ie; I've argued with her, or raised my voice in the past to her. S14 told W that I will tell him do one thing while doing another. Something that came up, W said, "I didn't baby him". I have accused her of babying him in the past after I have corrected him. I realize now she didn't baby him, she listened to him and told him that although she was there for him, he still had to do what was right and listen to me. So I told her that I know she wasn't babying him and I had been wrong about that. I told her it was great that he can talk to her and feels safe saying anything he wants to her, even if it is about us. Another issue that came up was Saturday he spent the night at a friends then didn't do his chores as I asked on Sunday. I was miffed and let him know that he was grounded yet I let him go, then he says thanks by not doing chores?! At the time, W said in front of him, you shouldn't have let him go, if he is grounded he is grounded. I was ticked that she said that in front of him. I felt that we should have a unified front in front of him and then discuss it later. W brought up the grounding thing again during our phone conversation as part of the inconsistency issue. I thought a minute and decided to say the exact opposite of what I really wanted to say. I said, 'you're right. I was inconsistent. If I waffle on him being grounded, what reason does he have to believe I won't waffle on when or if he gets his chores done". W continued to talk about how S14 needs more direction from me, consistency, that I can't let him go do something just because it sounds like fun, when he is grounded or has homework. I agreed and told her that I'm definitely going to focus on being more consistent when it comes to discipline with S14. Even handed and consistent is better than extremes of hard and soft. Which is something she has been saying for a while. Of course, she had no problem reminding me that she has been telling me that forever. I knew that was coming so I said, 'I know, I value your thoughts and am working to put it into practice'.
Overall, this conversation was a hard pill to swallow. Again, it was over the phone, so no eye contact or body language to help me validate here. I agreed with her, told her that she and he have a good points and I will make it right. I probably shouldn't have but I did say that I haven't raised my voice or been disrespectful to her in a long time. W said that's true but that is something he brings up even though it hasn't happened recently. As much as it hurt, I agreed with her that his points were valid and I will talk to him later. I sent him a text letting him know we'll go grab a coke or something later tonight and hang a little bit.
This part of it is the challenge right now. One side of me, the part that wants to bail and feels self-righteous in walking away, wants to defend myself. To say that I only raised my voice when you did, I was only disrespectful when you were. The bigger side of me that wants to save myself and everything else, says to put ego aside, look at what's true and work to correct it. The desire to defend myself is so automated at this point, I have to slow down, take a breath before I answer but it seems to be a more productive route to take.
Definitely a 180 and putting an end to more of the same..., at least in this area.
