Give up?

[still hoping]

Thanks again RCR. You've given me a lot to think about.

I am actually feeling really good today - so good, that I'm questioning whether I'm psychotic! Haven't been able to stop smiling all day long. Does this mean I have a major crash coming? Anyway, I'm enjoying this while it lasts - plus it's my birthday and I find it really symbolic to start the year off feeling so good and happy.

The trigger was talking to another friend of ours (male friend I know through H). I asked him what he thought of OW and he said he didn't. Actually can't even stand being around her so doesn't see H much anymore. He said there are a group of them, including my BIL (H's older brother) that absolutely HATE OW and don't give her the time of day - basically treat her like the skank that she is. BIL told her to her face "F*ck you - you broke up my family" and she sat there and didn't say anything back. They treat her like dirt and she takes it. And what's even funnier is that H doesn't stand up for her! So very unlike him. He used to be one of those who would do anything to stand up for his woman's honor. Also found out that when MIL went to H's restaurant, OW had to hide in the kitchen the entire time MIL was there! How degrading for her, yet she takes it! All of this along with seeing how not pretty she is has me on a huge high for the moment. Major confidence booster for me.

Something has clicked in my head that all of this is not about me. I've stopped taking it personally and it feels so great to let it go. All of the things I've worried about in the past seem so trivial now. I know that H has fallen off his rocker. And I genuinely hope that he will make it out of this crisis. I am committed to being there for him as a friend, but for now, I am closing the door on our M. That doesn't mean that I will never be with him again. It's just that so much damage has been done and he would have to be willing to admit and accept his actions and really work at fixing things for me to even consider taking him back. I do still believe that we would be better off working things out, especially because we have kids. But like you said, if the other party isn't willing to work or simply doesn't care, then I'm ok with D.

So my decision for now is to stay put, keep living my life, keep being friendly to him. And it's for me, but also because I'm not going to let her win. I'm stronger than her. Even if I don't get him in the end, she can't have him. Feel like I'm protecting him like a big sister would in this respect.

I hope that I've successfully detached at this point. I actually feel really sorry for H now despite all that he's put me through. I really think he's gone insane. As for OW, what you said about her getting the broken H is so true and really changed my view of their R. My mom asked me why I still keep pictures of H up and I told her because that's a different person in the picture, not the monster he is now. So yeah, she can have him. And if and when the real H ever surfaces, he will not choose to be with her. Whether he tries to come back to me is no longer an issue for me. Like you said, if he does come out better and does all the things I mentioned, then certainly, I would consider having a relationship with him again. Just saying it's gonna take a lot of work on his part. I'm not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.

OW is surprisingly not an issue either - mostly because of all that I've learned about her. I've assumed all along that she was here and yes it's different now that it's confirmed, but all along I have wanted him back. The reason I no longer want him (the person he is now) is because of all the lies and the extent of what he has done. I was so naive to believe all the stories he told me.

As for OW meeting kids, friend I spoke to today thinks they've never met. Seems to think that H told her to stay away from his kids. Not clear on why he thinks that - will have to get more answers in time. Personally, I think it's because H doesn't like his two lives crossing over. It's too much for him to handle. But who knows.

Your H's MLC sounds like quite a journey too. How long have you been married? and how long has your H been in MLC-land? He's still living at home?

Will read up on the other posts you mentioned when I have the time. Thank you so much for your help. Getting thoughts and ideas down in black and white helps organize my thoughts. I really feel like I've reached another level of clarity and just hope that I can continue on this path.