After an affair ther eis extreme guilt Also understand that affair relationships do not often end with a clean break. OWs cling. There are extremem withdrawals on both sides and many return to the OW--though not permanently. This is just part of the cycle.
He will feel guilty for cheating on the OW when the two of you have sex. This si not him being inlove with the OW or being a CAD. It is a normal emotion. He will then feel guilty for feeling guilty--since he knows rationally he should feel guilty for cheating on you, not her. He needs reassurance that you are not hurt because you udnerstand that what he is going through is normal given his actions. And understanding this helps you to feel less hurt.
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giving affection when you don't get any back is tiring and hurtful.
So stop giving affection . Give Agape love. Unconditional and forgiving. Affection borders toward Eros or parental...and can feel smothering. Step back; affection pursues; it makes him feel guilty, confused, smothered--and like running to escape. He is UNABLE to return your affection right now--incapable.
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what do I do. Let him go or keep holding on to him until he gets through this crisis.
Absolutely NONE of us should HOLD ON. Holding on is clinging. Leave it to the OWs. You Stand and get through this crisis by Letting GO, by accepting the process. Holding on is a par tof denying; it is really holding back.
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How do I go on but still let him know that i will always be there?
By accepting. That can be easier with knowledge of what MLC and affairs are--the patterns and cycles. What is normal--the behaviour that seems cruel but is really confusion and guilt and not meant as you may feel it is meant.
You show him you are there by being there--being home, not inhis face clinging and holding on. Your job is to be the soft place for him to land. Be that safety and comfort zone that he looks toward when he is hurting emotionally. The OW will get fed up with him as he enters Liminal Depression. Show him love through this. He may or may not come to you...be there anyway. Now and later he will bait you into fighting...sometimes they leave the OW so they can show you a bad time and prove to you that the two of you cannot make it again--it's a set-up.
Your job is to not bite this bait. He'll bait you into arguing. Maintainyour boundaries. No sex for a period of time after returning--separate sleeping arrangements also. Counseling is a must. If he refuses, he is not ready. ALso STD testing...a refusal shows a lack of repsect for you and your safety. Many are not ready when they return. Give him time. Expect that he may leave again--only to return again later.
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What should I do, go ahead and tell him that I'm done?
Well, are you done? Since you are asking us what to do, you clearly do not want to be done. So why then would you be done? Because you feel itis hopeless and even if you do not want to be done you are just going to give up. It is never Hopeless...and
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i feel his mind is made up
it is made up. But where is his mind--no one knows cause he's lost it! It will change. HE doesn't know what he wants and he may not know for a very long time--a few years. Many do not see what they would call Hope for a few years...and yet the MLCer returns.
