My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Our marriage has been rough the last couple years, we had battled through a lot. Been to two counselors, worked through some difficult circumstances. I honestly thought for a while that we were getting over the crest in the hill of difficulties.
(Fall 2005)
The first counselor we went to was over an "I love you" letter my daughter found on her computer, when my wife left her hotmail window open accidentally. There was no affair, but my feeling was that it was close to being that. It was challenging, but I thought that we came together, I believe that I honored everything that I said I would do at counseling. This involved verbalizing my affections more, sharing house work, dinners and more.

One year later; (fall 2006)
The second counselor was due to my mishandling of our savings. (tens of thousands of dollars) We don't run our finances as a couple. I spent nearly all of money. Part of this was due to my inability to work during our emotional disarray earlier. We have tangible assets for a lot of this spending, but W never gave her consent. Needless to say she was livid.
We came together in counseling again, and I agreed to pay the money back to her in a savings account she would have full control over. The counselor was not good for my W (sender-receiver method) however, so she wanted to stop. I set up a joint bank account for us to run our finances together. I arranged for a financial counselor, for both of us. My W didn't embrace the idea, after she thought about the restrictions this might entail. She has not participated in our joint account, so we still run our finances separately.

Things were going good in the new year 2007 we were both enjoying dinners together, even the older kids were starting to show up for supper together. It was awesome.
Unfortunately after a time, she started not coming home from work on time, skipping some dinners, bit by bit, later and later. I missed her and became sad. I started doing the same, I sulked and I went to work on a hobby project away from our house (withdrew). There were late night phone calls on her cell phone which bothered me. I'd come home and she would not talk to me, but was talking to others (co-workers.)

I was getting the feeling she was unhappy again. A number of weeks ago she booked a vacation with a girlfriend from work, and told me just after the fact. I was very hurt, but I knew she was stressed and depressed, so I let it go.

This week I was helping her set up an mp3 player for purchasing songs online. It emailed a confirmation to her via her hotmail. She went upstairs and I had to finish up sync-ing her mp3 and noticed her hotmail open in a window beneath.

I looked. I found a folder called personal. A subject line caught my attention. My heart must have stopped, I couldn't breathe. I opened the email. It was a full blown affair. This occurred about 3-4 months after our first counseling ended, about 1 year ago. She even went to meet the (divorced) OM's child. I didn't know what to do. I left the email open on the screen and went to walk the dog.

She was incensed that I invaded her privacy. I packed a small bag and left the house immediately.

My Gut reaction was that I wanted a divorce. I needed time to sort through these feelings, to find if this was what I really wanted. How this would affect our children, what this would mean financially, if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her.

I have never even kissed another girl, we were high school sweethearts. This has devastated me to the core.

I left for the whole weekend. I drove for hundreds of miles , slept in my car. I cried and cried. I went to a place where we spent a good portion of our summers together. This isn't summer, so these places were all quiet and serene. Wonderful for emotional healing and being alone. I wanted to rekindle those memories, with her, with our children growing up through the years. I wanted to revisit the best times, to make certain I was keenly aware of what I might be throwing away. It was bittersweet, and desperately sad. What when wrong, there were much tougher times, we struggled through, why now?

After this trip I reconfirmed my initial feelings. She is not happy and continues to be unhappy. She continues to seek out or be available for others.

I want a divorce. I feel that I could never look at her in the eyes and see the same person. I feel that I could never make love to her again. Nothing would ever be the same for me. I decided, right or wrong, I must be true to the feelings within me. I have to be my own person. Imperfect, yes.

I am going back to our first counselor tomorrow. I mainly want to make certain that I try and control my angry emotions and learn, healing skills if I can.

I wish I knew how to cope better. OMG how could I have let this happen, what could I have done differently?

[lovemydogs]

If I can give you a little perspective. I was having an affair and my husband wanted MC. I went but I was not into it...unless both of you want to work at it, MC is pointless. I did not take it seriously and so we never made progress.

1. You can't force someone to try.
2. It is not your fault!

[I_Surrender]

Thanks so very much for your insight.

I have been reading a few threads here and decided to have a talk with my wife tonight.

It was a helpful thing for me to do. I can see now a little more clearly that his is her issue, not mine. She is also going to counseling (a new counselor) so I hope it helps her find her way.

In the midst of us recovering and rebuilding our marriage after our fist counseling session ended (dec 2005), she was still emailing "I love you" emails to the first OM. She was also initiating a relationship with the second OM (the one she had an affair with) I have seen both emails and they were days apart from one another. Bizzare.

I promised her tonight that even though I hurt badly, I would try my best to suppress any angry emotions or potential outburst to her. I think in reading a lot of other people's advice here, I also decide to open the door wide for her.

I encouraged her to go out and seek what her heart desires, and not to feel that I am holding her back any longer.

Honestly, today, I feel that it's a nice way to push her out the door.
MLC or not, she is a toxic person in my life. I feel more than ever she has a twisted perception on things. I don't want to wait around for her to go through counseling, figure things out, then wait for her to commit back to our marriage 100%, then wait for her to earn my trust back.
I've already struggled over this heartache for 2+ years.

I think step by step, for my own sanity and the family's emotional health, I should move towards ending this relationship.

Does anyone else have experiences like this? Am I thinking right?

[Astimegoeson]

Does anyone else have experiences like this?

Just about all of us have had this experience. That's why we are here. Sorry to hear about your situation.

The decision to end it is totally yours to make. Everyone has their threshold. My only advice would be not to make decisions based on emotions. It's devastating to find this information out and your initial reaction is play book text, we've all reacted the same.

If your going to throw in the towel, take some time to process what has happened and approach it from a rational mind vs emotional hart. Detach from her and her actions and take some time to reflect on what you want and what makes you happy. After all, what's the rush? As you said, you have been at this for 2+ years so what will a little more time hurt? She doesn't know now what life would be like without you, why don't you give her some time to find that out before making a decision?

[I_Surrender]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I appreciate your comments. I have only experienced a tiny percentage of the emotional roller coaster that many of you have, so this is new to me.

I guess the concern of mine, is for my emotional, mental and physical health.

Emotionally and physically I have been going into kind of a depression in the past few months. This is not good for me, as I have some health issues to contend with. In order to stay on top of things I need to be conscious of managing my health well.

Unfortunately I have not gotten any support or understanding from my wife on these issues. I have come to not expect this. I'll give you an example; One of the conditions I have to deal with is asthma. I removed all the carpeting from the house, cleaned the heating ducts etc etc. We have 2 dogs, and they are not supposed to be on our bedding. She consistently puts her small very furry dog on the bed, and the dog sleeps on my pillows. Just grossly inconsiderate to say the least. Yes I have reminded her, I have taken my pillows down. I am going to start placing my pillows in a plastic garbage bag, maybe that will help my asthma at nights.

Anyway, I guess the point is that, from my eyes, she has a huge number of issues from entertaining multiple male friends / love acquaintances, to acknowledging and supporting my health just to start. At this time, she sees nothing abnormal about having these male friends. She also confirmed the she still talks to the OM regularly on her cell phone at night, but the affair in her mind is over (when in fact the cover is on the pot is on simmer, until she decides to open the lid again)

There are so many things that make me think she is either going through a major MLC or menopause or has a developing mental illness. She is getting older and as for many of us have less patients for young children. She despises them, and has commented to me very rudely when another "brat" has been crying in a restaurant, or grocery store. Yet she appears to be okay with meeting the OM s young daughter. Our children are simply amazing, but she has a troubled relationship with our daughter, consistently calling her a "little b*tch" (This year my daughter earned $7K in performance bonuses, the end of this year my LD will be promoted to full manager of her own restaurant by a large multinational - gets a company vehicle and everything)

This fall I accidentally caught her smoking a joint with some other guys. I know that for many this is fairly innocuous, but for us as a couple, we have NEVER done any drugs. Sure like a lot of kids we tried this when we were teens, but neither of us smoke, we don't drink a lot. When we have gone to concerts over the years, she always refused the reefer, when its been passed around. This is so out of character.

I hope her counseling goes well, but I have to realize that my health issues may impair my mobility and ability to physically interact with her. Support or no, I think it likely she would find this confining. If she seeks emotionally what she needs from other men, what will happen when I am physically unable to meet her expectations?

[I_Surrender]

LD = DD (sorry new to abbreviations)

[I_Surrender]

I went to the doc today to get an STD test. The symptoms I have don't look like an STD thankfully, but I'll take the blood test tomorrow.

I had one question;
I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as my wife. I asked her to sleep on the couch or I'd set up a bed for her. She refused.
We have a small home, butI feel like setting up a bed or cot somewhere. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as her.

Is this destructive, or should I be honest about how I feel, and move out of the bedroom?

[Astimegoeson]

Is this destructive, or should I be honest about how I feel, and move out of the bedroom?

Surrender, if you feel more comfortable moving out of the bedroom, do it. Just be honest with her, but don't make it sound like it's because of her (even though it is), just tell her you feel more comfortable with that arrangement. I know it hurts to hear it, but with the way she's acting, it probably won't affect her one way or the other.

Maybe you can keep the animals out of your bed. I like dogs, but I'll be dammed if they are going to be up in my bed licking themselves on my pillow.

[I_Surrender]

Thanks
I went to the marriage counselor today. He thinks that I need to move out. Either she does, or I do. I was shocked, but he says that I keep trying to be a rescuer and I will only end up being depressed, because this will inevitably lead to half baked solutions.
Wow. I did not see that perspective until now

[I_Surrender]

Can someone please tell me about and Emotional Affair, as it compares to a Physical Affair.

W was having what I think was an emotional affair for a long time, I know that I hated this, I viewed it as a physical affair waiting to happen. But maybe this is different.

Please please enlighten me