I read your earlier post about the conversation you had with your wife, and was really glad to hear it sounded like you are starting to clear up some misunderstandings you each have about what's been going on in the other's head. I wanted to encourage you to try to build up some momentum in your dialog, and not just let everything else go unsaid and misunderstood.
From your more recent post, it seems like you are going to be forced to continue the dialog, and perhaps get the ED issue out in the open.
(Please please please keep in mind I could be full of #($*#. I'm not a therapist, nor do I play one on the radio. But, I would like to offer my POV. Caveat emptor. YMMV....)
From here it seems like you've got a rare opportunity to make an especially meaningful connection with your wife. So much of our lives can be wasted by dancing around the real issues, not facing the problems head-on, trying to "patch" or manage one problem so our partner won't have to be hurt by it or inconvenienced by it or put in a bad mood by it or look down upon us. If the problem is not big enough, painful enough, urgent enough -- then it never gets solved.
Then, there are problems that are of such magnitude that you have no choice but to face it directly, honestly, and together with your partner. This seems like such a problem.
You seem afraid -- afraid that your wife will be angry, or maybe there will be a big blow up, or??? Why, I am not sure. Maybe you could fill us in on what exactly you are afraid her reaction will be. Maybe to do so would help you prepare, and take away some of the fear's power over you.
Maybe the ladies can clue me in... When a man experiences ED, I imagine there is a risk of his partner feeling unattractive, unwanted, or undesirable. Is that right? Are there more dangers looking there, to be handled "delicately" when discussing with the female partner?
From my male perspective, I would expect significant feelings of vulnerability/fear/insecurity in the one experiencing the ED. But, you seem to understand that it's a pretty natural thing to have happened, considering what you're feeling.
From what I understand from your previous posts, in reality it is NOT that she is unattractive/undesirable/unwanted; quite the contrary. The problem is that you do want her physically AND more -- you want and need to feel loved by her, and to experience that the act of sex as an expression of her love and desire for YOU. To me, that's not a failure of who she IS, but a symptom of the distance and misunderstanding that has grown between you two.
If that's the case, then it is not all her fault or all your fault; there's enough you both could have done differently. And, there are probably a lot of things outside your control, including circumstances of parenthood, work, extended family, and that thing (whatever it is) that is putting her under a lot of stress lately.
But, no matter how you got there, understanding the details of "how" isn't what is most urgently required. Most urgent is for her to understand is what you honestly feel and need from her now.
If I had to guess (based on my own experiences), instead of feeling closer to her after you make love, you feel like you're further and further apart. And, it's hard to pretend otherwise, especially when you want the real thing (to feel closer, desired/loved/wanted by her) so much that it hurts; so much that it feels like it's killing you.
Whatever it is that you feel, if you communicate it to her in a non-threatening and fully-vulnerable way, then maybe some of what you feel would actually resonate with her. That is, maybe she is feeling it too. Maybe that is why she seems uninterested in ML, who knows? You may be more alike than you've ever imagined.
My hunch is that you have, for various reasons, not been open and direct about what you need and what you feel. If ever there was a time in your relationship to lay all your cards on the table face up -- to let her see you as you really are, wanting so much to connect with her, to be held by her, to feel that she loves you -- then this is it. She'll either come through for you (maybe not immediately), or she won't. Either way, you'll learn what you need to about her and your relationship.
From my own experience, as difficult as it can be sometimes, finally revealing the truth about who I am and what I've been experiencing has ultimately been a relief.
If you doubt your ability to convey it to her face-to-face, writing it down on paper is always an option.
Again, I could be all wrong. If you think I am, I hope at least I haven't offended you. And, in any case, I wish you the best of luck. Life is short. You and your wife deserve to be living it more honestly with each other.
