Some times he can be the most organized man on the face of the earth and at other times, procrastination at its best. yes, that has happened to me.
And I know its somewhat of a "man thing" Well, my W does it too, so is it a "man thing?"
but please, give me a break. Haywyre, I will give you a break, a pat on the back, say WTG for what you have done. I wasn't justifying any of your H's behavior, just pointing out maybe his mind works differently than you think it does.
I think I have been MORE than patient and all I am asking for here is a little cooperation and ONE LOUSEY PHONE CALL - Yes, you have been patient and one phone call is fairly easy/simple to make IRL, provided..........?
I do know that phone call to him is more about him losing his "control" rather than taking 5 minutes to make it. I agree with the "feeling like he is losing" something.
What is the something to him.
Like i said before, congratulations to the both of you for doing things together and for the ILY. Sometime saying ILY is difficult for some people.
Well, the ILY part has never really been that difficult for me, a little more for him but he's got used to it over the years. However, I don't think it has or does mean the same thing to him, although we are getting there.
Oh, I know his mind works a lot differently than I think it does sometimes but for the most part, I know him pretty darn well and that is part of what scares him.
That "something" he is losing is control, the control over his vulnerability, the control over his feelings and emotions. I know he doesn't want to go "there" because of the fear "it" will happen to him all over again. He is scared he will fall deeply in love again, just to be stomped on, again. Well its time he realized I am NOT one of the other women he had a relationship with eons ago and I won't be the one that is punished for what someone else did to him. I've put up with that long enough. I was more than willing to prove myself to him, to show him that he could trust another woman, but I think 18 years is long enough. It's his turn.
And, yes, I know you weren't justifying my H's behaviour and I hope you don't think I was directing my disgust at you, because I was only venting here so I don't physically harm the man (kidding)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I hope you don't think I was directing my disgust at you, I wasn't thinking about your disgust at me. It was never disgust level. It never was at me level. My comment was intended to be a broom sweep to direct the curling weight in a slightly different direction. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curling
Well, the ILY part has never really been that difficult for me, a little more for him.. Like I said before, through my smoke colored glasses (my FOO and someons saying ILY and then treating them like crap) me saying ILY is a tough chore. I was thinking maybe it was for your H.
Well its time he realized I am NOT one of the other women he had a relationship with eons ago and I won't be the one that is punished for what someone else did to him. Good thinking HW.
I think 18 years is long enough. It's his turn More than his turn.
Time to close out for the day neighbor. I like what I see on your thread. You have it Heywyre.
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I had to do a training session this morning and H didn't have to work today so no excuse not to call the cell company, right? He also said he would do it and I didn't want to bug him about it but it was grating on me, however, I figured it was still early in the day and they are opened until 8 tonight
When I got home he was out, he had to go for a drug test (mandatory for his work) and to the bank and a few other errands. He got home a couple of minutes after I did and said "want to go for lunch". I thought "great, this will be a good time to talk - again". He also asked if his friend could come over for supper tonight. I don't mind because this guy is on his own, drives highway and doesn't get decent meals on the road much but I was hoping for some "us" time. However, I don't have to work until tomorrow afternoon and H doesn't have to at all tomorrow, so it would be nice just to have some socializing and not be serious for an evening. So I agreed and he went to call his buddy, but before I could even put on my shoes he invited him not only to supper but to lunch with us too - grrrrrrrr. But I remainded light about it and tried not to show my annoyance.
So, we go for lunch (it was okay) but guys talking about trucks isn't exactly the conversation material I had in mind
So, we get home and he says "I'd like to take a nap before I go for my appointments (one at 4 and the C at 4:15) - knowing full well that meant he wouldn't be home until about 5:20 and that's when the friend would be arriving and that's the end of the evening. And, I didn't want to bring it up just before bed - sheesh I hate doing it then!!
So here I am thinking "should I, shouldn't I, he said he would, did he, didn't he." When he came up to me, put his arm around me and said "are you okay" and I said, "as best as can be expected". And that's when it happened ...
He said, "I called the cell company today"
I gave him a big hug and said, "thank you, very much"
So, we made a giant leap today - wouldn't you agree?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I'm so glad he did call. Would have been nice if he'd have told you that when he first saw you...since I'm sure he knew you'd have liked to have known...but some people just don't work that way. He might have also been waiting to see if you were going to bring it up...who knows.
But yes...that's a big step. I know you may not want to broach this with him right this minute, but you need to be on the account too. I don't even bring that up because of knowing his activity...but for the sheer sense of it. One of my best friends had her husband pass away, she had a REALLY hard time of things because her name wasn't on utility accounts, credit cards, cell phone bills etc. We all hope nothing drastic ever happens to our loved ones, but "IF" they do....having both people's names on the accounts is MUCH better than just one.
Yes, it would have been nice for him to tell me right away but, like you said, perhaps he was testing me (as I was testing him) to see if I would say anything first - I am glad I held out.
The fact of being on the accounts is true but in Canada we don't seem to have that much of a problem particular because we have joint bank accounts and all our bills are paid directly through there. Plus, all it would take would be a copy of the death certificate for most financial institutions to transfer the information over to the spouse. As for the house, mortgage etc. that is in both our names so that's not a problem
Being that I work in the legal field, that is one of the main things I had taken care of a long time ago, including having Wills drawn up - which was like pulling teeth but it got done
I know we aren't out of the water yet. There is still the bills when they do come in and I get to see them. If there is nothing there, great. But that won't stop me from monitoring them each month for a while. Perhaps I will every month, sometimes not at all. The whole idea is for US BOTH to get used to trusting again. I want that information to be available to me whenever, whether its next week or next year. We have to put an end to the secrecy right here and now, permanently and forever. I am still cautious that there might be something on the cell bill that is very questionable and that he doesn't want me to see but I will deal with that at the time. There is no point in me freaking out about it now.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
You really are doing great! My H used to hide the bills from me too...part of it was so I wouldn't see he was using them to pay for his adult friend finder acct, part of it was his own trust issues (he only used one cc to pay for AFF). Now, he doesn't hide the bills away, he leaves them out where I can look through them if I choose to.
Not too long ago we had to deal with one of our credit card companies (who were seriously ripping us off) and...I had to go back and pull bills for our attorney. I forgot he had used THAT card for AFF, and of course that was one of the bills I had to pull...when I saw it he asked me what was wrong, when I told him...he didn't flinch, didn't make an effort to hide anything...didn't even get that "oh [censored]" look on his face. He just took the opportunity to reassure me...that would never happen again, which is exactly what I needed. It's taken several months, but he seems comfortable sharing the bills with me now...instead of just telling me they're paid.
