Give up?

[Rollercoasterider]

Being passive-aggressive and wanting a D but asking him to file.

by me filing, I'm giving OW what she wants

OW's pressure for divorce...but really she's shown it won't stop her...she's alredy having sex with him.

So you are giving her what she wants by giving up...whether you file or not. Is that what you want?
Of course he's waiting for you to file...then you are the bad guy.

Do what you want because you want it.

What I amr eading is that you don't wnat it...you aren't certain. If youwanted it, you wouldn't care a Rat's a$$ about the OW...cause she's certainly not winning if the prize is a broken MLCer. It won't last and she's getting the worst part of him...let her have that part.

What do I really want? Hope?

Just about everyone I know is pro-D.

Just about everyone most of us posters know is Pro-D. And yet this is your life; your choice. They can take a hike...be my friend, but I'll do what I want with my life.

Guess I want you all to play devil's advocate
...btw, I'm not religious

Okay...I just found that funny.

I'm a Stander. And though I am religious, that is only one part of my reason for Standing...Love and my vows/promise are greater. But I can play your devil's advocate because I don't believe in divorce--I believe it is unnecessary in almost all cases (almost, not all). I also believe that unnecessary ornot it will still happen to many because one or both parties are unwilling to do the work or to even care.

So given my attitude, I always believe there is Hope.

am still hoping that he will someday come out of this, not necessarily to come back to me, but to be the person he used to be and so that I can respect him again (I still love and care about him - he's my family and I need him for to be a good person because he's the father of my children, M or not).

So what is your breaking point. and what I mean by that is what is your future breaking point. Maybe you do want to give up now. But if this guy comes out of this crisis better, why not have a relationship with him? You may find some other awesome guy...and that guy may have done the same thing to his (ex)wife.

So is it the history? You will be unable to get past that it was you and not some other woman that was hurt by this specific individual? You know him (the true him). You have children and a history. You know his idisyncracies. Think about the risk of the unknown that anyone else will bring. You may still be better off rebuilding (someday not now) with what you know thatn from scratch. And think about how much better that would be for your children. I'm a step daughter an a step sister. It's not easy. It's not best.

Typical OW being ugly and jealous

I do really believe that she is a nice girl. Apparently she was adament about not having a R with him because he was M w/kids. I have no idea what H told her to convince her otherwise.

Boy did I hear that one. And like you, I give the benefit...
I do not believe Sweetheart's OW is a bad person. I do however KNOW that she planned this and manipulated him--she planned to undermine our relationship before Bomb Drop. She told him he would need a lot of time before he dated...and she would wait.

Um...let's see
Move out: 3 May 2005
Banged Sweetheart, cohabitation: 29 May 2005
Divorce filed: 9 June 2005

Yeah, she really waited. And by the way...where is Sweetheart? Probably home working in the yard and hanging out with the poochies. Why? Cause he's home, not just visiting.

So I guess that I am also looking for some success stories from you guys that MLCers do make it out of the tunnel eventually.

They come out. But you won't se a lot of that here because it takes so VEEEERY LONG that most stop Standing, and those whose MLCers do return post less because they are focusing on their marriage.

I think ImLin's is one of the greater stories out there because she had a Dropout...very little contact. So look up her posts. I think she was posting on Butterflymom's thread over the weekend.

The hard thing to do...but very possible...is to forget about the OW. Just let it go...cause she won't last. Jealousy gets worse...especially with a married man. And yes, the more you are calm and nice the more bitchy she may become. Take back your power andbe confident...OW's then worry.

""Hey am I missing something, why's she so happy? Is he going abck to her? Are they sneaking around?" OR internally She seems nice/strong/independent/successful. She is better than me. He must like her more--why wound't he... And so she lets out the Bitch.

Not filing

The only thing that I can think of is that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants space to have R with OW and live his life the way he's living it, and have the option to come back to me when he's ready in a few years, knowing it may be too late. He doesn't want to burn his bridges.

EXACTLY

But if he is MLC, this is part of what is necessary for his growth. It mayb seem like he's cake-eating and being selfish--and he is.

But this man is broken and you cannot fix him. He must fix himself, and that is done by going through the MLC stages. The repair work comes in at Liminal Depression where he must face his demons--those fragments of himself that he has repressed and denied. Why not go straight to that stage...well, have you ever expereinced Rock Bottom Depression? It SUX. It is complete hopelessness. It's freaky. So they avoid. Replay, the affair, acting younger, wilder etc are all ways they are self-medicating to avoiud the Depression that looms.

He will get through. But you need to step aside. That doesn'e mean file. But it means go on with your own life and take care of those babies. Once in this risis it cannot be avoided--he must go through, not get over.

The OW often prolongs the crisis...and yet is a necessary part of the process. I know it's tough to watch when we feel he could get through this if she would stop clinging to him and hilding him stuck in the tunnel. But he must work through on his own. Let her be the bad guy who clings. You get to be the safe place where he can come. No judging, and no doormat either. Be firm and maintain boundaries. Just like with kids...you love them but there are rules. Show him that you are strong and won't be pushed around...and through all his button pushing you will love and forgive him. It's a hard job--Superwoman.

What advice I want
Well, Sweetheart and I don't have kids, so I'm not the one for that one. Go visiit Lisset, MrsH, Myturnnow, Laughing, Cinderellaman...and probably most of the posters. They can tell you the different ways their MLCers are dealing with this and the kids. Some keep the Ow awawy without argument, while others live with the OW and the kids visit on weekends.

Firm rules int hsi regard work with some and not others. Each is different. Try the no OW contact, but it may not work.

HUGS,
RCR