I received my papers two months ago and responded with request for reconciliation conference and court ordered counseling. Her attorney refused a reconciliation conference but we are now in court ordered marriage counseling. She has not moved out yet and does not wear her rings anymore. To the best of my knowledge, she is not having an affair. We do not have problems with abuse, drugs or alcohol. Any attempts to discuss anything with her in the early stages met with resistance and she refused to acknowledge anything. She says that for the last ten years she has been unhappy and done everything. She has mentally blocked out all of our good times and only remembers the few bad times we have had in our marriage. So far, the counseling has helped somewhat but my wife has not called her attorney and stopped the legal process. We are continuing the counseling and she is seeing her own counselor at the same time. We have only been in counseling for three weeks now.
The divorce request came out of the blue with little warning. We had been having problems and I believe both of us were in mid-life crises. For the last year I was traveling extensively and very focused on my job and a few home improvement projects and hobbies. My spouse refuses to open up privately and holds all of her feelings and concerns in. She filed for divorce with no discussion with any of her friends, family or myself. The only things she asks for is space and time.
I have been attempting to give her space, not follow her around the house, not ask questions about our relationship or future. I am not sure it is making a difference yet but it takes time. One of my greatest shortcomings is a lack of patience and I am learning this now. Some nights, you would never know there is a divorce pending. We still eat dinner together and go out to dinner together on the weekends?
I realize that the only thing that will bring her back is changes in me but her lack of will or communication with me is making the process of changing myself harder. How do you find out what is wrong without violating the need to give her space? All I know is that I still love this girl more than anything in the world and do not believe in divorce. She has read the first book, "Divorce Busting".
Hmm, your situation sounds a lot like mine, only my wife bailed and won't talk to me at all. I've been counseled to work on myself, give her space, don't pursue, and above all don't cause any additional conflict. But honestly, until she decides to talk to me, that's all I have and I'll take it. I definitely don't want to come out of this worse off than I already was. So, do things for yourself, read good books, take classes, hang out with friends, go give service to someone else so you forget about yourself for a while, help out around the house without asking, just be different from what you were! That way your wife will become interested again (or so the theory goes, I've yet to be able to test that, but I'm hopeful). In the meantime, you get some self-improvement and it can take your mind off the problems that are currently clouding your mind. Anyway, good luck!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
