My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Our marriage has been rough the last couple years, we had battled through a lot. Been to two counselors, worked through some difficult circumstances. I honestly thought for a while that we were getting over the crest in the hill of difficulties.
(Fall 2005)
The first counselor we went to was over an "I love you" letter my daughter found on her computer, when my wife left her hotmail window open accidentally. There was no affair, but my feeling was that it was close to being that. It was challenging, but I thought that we came together, I believe that I honored everything that I said I would do at counseling. This involved verbalizing my affections more, sharing house work, dinners and more.

One year later; (fall 2006)
The second counselor was due to my mishandling of our savings. (tens of thousands of dollars) We don't run our finances as a couple. I spent nearly all of money. Part of this was due to my inability to work during our emotional disarray earlier. We have tangible assets for a lot of this spending, but W never gave her consent. Needless to say she was livid.
We came together in counseling again, and I agreed to pay the money back to her in a savings account she would have full control over. The counselor was not good for my W (sender-receiver method) however, so she wanted to stop. I set up a joint bank account for us to run our finances together. I arranged for a financial counselor, for both of us. My W didn't embrace the idea, after she thought about the restrictions this might entail. She has not participated in our joint account, so we still run our finances separately.

Things were going good in the new year 2007 we were both enjoying dinners together, even the older kids were starting to show up for supper together. It was awesome.
Unfortunately after a time, she started not coming home from work on time, skipping some dinners, bit by bit, later and later. I missed her and became sad. I started doing the same, I sulked and I went to work on a hobby project away from our house (withdrew). There were late night phone calls on her cell phone which bothered me. I'd come home and she would not talk to me, but was talking to others (co-workers.)

I was getting the feeling she was unhappy again. A number of weeks ago she booked a vacation with a girlfriend from work, and told me just after the fact. I was very hurt, but I knew she was stressed and depressed, so I let it go.

This week I was helping her set up an mp3 player for purchasing songs online. It emailed a confirmation to her via her hotmail. She went upstairs and I had to finish up sync-ing her mp3 and noticed her hotmail open in a window beneath.

I looked. I found a folder called personal. A subject line caught my attention. My heart must have stopped, I couldn't breathe. I opened the email. It was a full blown affair. This occurred about 3-4 months after our first counseling ended, about 1 year ago. She even went to meet the (divorced) OM's child. I didn't know what to do. I left the email open on the screen and went to walk the dog.

She was incensed that I invaded her privacy. I packed a small bag and left the house immediately.

My Gut reaction was that I wanted a divorce. I needed time to sort through these feelings, to find if this was what I really wanted. How this would affect our children, what this would mean financially, if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her.

I have never even kissed another girl, we were high school sweethearts. This has devastated me to the core.

I left for the whole weekend. I drove for hundreds of miles , slept in my car. I cried and cried. I went to a place where we spent a good portion of our summers together. This isn't summer, so these places were all quiet and serene. Wonderful for emotional healing and being alone. I wanted to rekindle those memories, with her, with our children growing up through the years. I wanted to revisit the best times, to make certain I was keenly aware of what I might be throwing away. It was bittersweet, and desperately sad. What when wrong, there were much tougher times, we struggled through, why now?

After this trip I reconfirmed my initial feelings. She is not happy and continues to be unhappy. She continues to seek out or be available for others.

I want a divorce. I feel that I could never look at her in the eyes and see the same person. I feel that I could never make love to her again. Nothing would ever be the same for me. I decided, right or wrong, I must be true to the feelings within me. I have to be my own person. Imperfect, yes.

I am going back to our first counselor tomorrow. I mainly want to make certain that I try and control my angry emotions and learn, healing skills if I can.

I wish I knew how to cope better. OMG how could I have let this happen, what could I have done differently?