Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

why was ist impossible for you to stand your ground on having porcelain handles? I think the fact that he gets his way on so many things starting with these little things makes it easy for him to get his way on everything else. (Until you explode but that is not a healthy way to get power)

It wasn't impossible for me to stand my ground, but I guess I don't care enough about porcelain handles to take a stand on the issue. I'm like 'who cares'?! I thought they would look nice, but I'm not going to throw a fit about it or become entrenched in a power struggle over the handles to the bathroom faucets. I guess that's why I was saying his reaction was ridiculous...it's just so silly to have such an intense reaction. Even if I wasn't fond of porcelain handles, if he was fond enough of them to prefer them over the chrome handles, that would be good enough for me. But hey, that's me. And that's me on so many issues, it's just not worth a huge fight. And make no mistake, everything we've ever disagreed on, if I try to push my opinion, it becomes a huge fight.

Heather, it is impossible to know because I do not know your H at all, but he does seem like a man that tends to feel like he has no control over his life. What is his job like? Does he enjoy it and feel great at it? How do his parents treat him - are they proud of him and respectful of him?

I know, I don't get it. He has claimed that I am controlling and I know if I was I would probably be either blind to it or reluctant to admit it, but I know controlling women and I am not like them. I don't care enough about details to try to control other peoples' lives....I'm indecisive/neutral about many of the details in my OWN life.
So, let's look at it from another perspective. If someone is very controlling and there is something that someone is fighting them on, wouldn't it be natural for the controlling person to see the other person as the one who is INSISTING on having their way and preventing them from getting what they want? Which could also be perceived as someone trying to control them?
My H has control issues, I think everybody sees that. Even his mother has used to word where he is concerned. And there are certain issues she happens to think I should push, such as the bedtime. She just has no idea how far her son will take things in order to get his way. I've tried to indicate that pushing for my way has led to practically a tug of war with our son, but I don't know if she sees that as a mutual problem or if she sees H as responsible.
He seems to like his job, his parents are very respectful of him. If someone isn't, they are no longer in his life. My oldest brother was not respectful of H because he didn't like him-H will never step foot in his house again. Which, of course, limits/interferes with my ability to see him. Most days, that's ok with me because I do agree my brother is a creep. However, he's still my brother and I just don't see the point in carrying these deep grudges.

I think you are in a tough spot because you do need to consider your H's feelings and try to empathize. At the same time doing that when you do not get the same consideration is a really tough thing. Plus you need to empathize in a way that does not have you aquiescing to him - not an easy task.

You're not kidding. I had a situation recently that tested my skills. Since H is out of town, I am obviously taking care of our children. S6 remembered a while back when I told him if he stayed in his bed without getting up for 7 nights in a row, I would get him a prize. It's been months since I told him that, but kids don't forget and since H is gone and I usually make him stay in his bed anyway, it was a convenient time for him to remember that bargain Anyway, I told him I remembered and he said he wanted to do it. I said ok and didn't say another word about it. On the morning after the 7th night, S6 informed me he had stayed in his bed as promised and would like his toy. So, we went to Wal Mart that night and got his prize. His sister did not get a prize because now that she has her 'big girl bed', I've been having trouble with her asking for tons of things and getting up to go potty, for one more kiss, etc. So she didn't get a prize.
That night, S6 told H that he got a prize for staying in his bed for 7 nights in a row. Then I could hear S6 say "What are you going to talk to Mommy about? Daddy, I want to know...". So, I pretty much knew H was going to have some things to say about it. Later that night when I got a chance to talk to H, he didn't even say hi to me, just went straight into 'What is THAT all about?' I told him he needed to explain what he meant by THAT. He said 'you're taking a pretty big initiative upon yourself don't you think?' I said 'H, you and I have talked and talked about S6's bedtime routine. It's no secret we don't agree on it'. H said 'So, you REWARD him for staying in his bed?' I said 'Yes, that's how it works'. He said 'Well maybe I'll reward him for getting up 7 nights in a row'. I said 'H, I am here taking care of our children and this is how I parent, this is who I am'. He said 'Well, we'll see how I parent when I get home'. I said 'OOOOH, whatever H I'm going now'. And I hung up the phone. I have mixed feelings about hanging up on him. On one hand, hanging up on someone is no way to resolve an issue, nor is it very respectful. However, on the other hand, it was quite apparent to me that H was not in a place to resolve any issues, his purpose was to intimidate me.
The next day, he would not talk to me, so I said playfully, 'Are you pouting honey? Don't pout...'
This all happened Friday night. By Sunday he was fine and speaking to me again. So, I can't tell if I did a good job defusing the situation or if he is just taking solace in the fact that he will be home today, Monday, and things will go back to his way.
It's frustrating. As always