A good day to everyone. Its been a while since I posted an update here so let me post a reminder.
Me: 44 W: 44 Married 13yrs, together 14 Children. SS22, S10, D9 Wife EA/PA early ’04, likely, EA current Ilubnilwu: 2/06 Bomb: 4/06 lawyers contacted but no actions taken. W still at home attending school
A quick history, our oldest the SS22 has end stage cystic fibrosis thus adding a little extra stress to our lives. W has been attending school full time for a while and will complete her associate’s degree in May. This is her third marriage, my first.
W has not worn rings since Nov. of last year, she has been threatening to purchase a bed and move into a spare bedroom for a while now, but has not done so. Has made very little effort to find a job (even though her classes are all at night now), she doesn’t sleep nearly enough and has aged very noticeably in the last year. We initially tried marriage counseling but it ended as soon as the MC suggested that W needed to be on medication. W saw a C individually for 5 or 6 sessions and quit going there too. I suspect the same thing happened. In W’s mind, SHE has been a victim of all this and does not need to make any changes. Very ironic since I have recently discovered that she had EA/PA’s in both of her previous marriages as well.
For myself, I have found an individual counselor that has helped me tremendously to understand what happened to us and how to work on breaking the cycle. I have also been attending (solo) a group program called Third Option and have learned a great deal. I now see very clearly how W plays a role as a victim (to near perfection) and I have played a role as a rescuer. In fact she has cranked up the victim persona to major levels with friends. Many of the things I have learned are similar to some of the concepts of DBing. It has taken a very long time, but finally I have been able to begin letting go understanding that I can only work to make myself better. My relationship with my two younger children has never been better. I’m working on the relationship with my oldest but it is more difficult since he is unsure of how he should be dealing with theses family issues.
For much of the early part of this I tried to hang on desperately, did many things that made the issues worse, but have reached some revelations in the last six months and am doing…..OK. I have learned the true meaning of the idea that you cannot change someone else and can only change yourself. I have often read and been told that as I change, the relationship has to change and she will respond. Unfortunately, her response has often been to move further into darkness rather than make an effort to come back. Something I guess I knew was possible but hoped would not happen. For all of you out there, I just wanted you to know that even when things like DBing seem to be going in the opposite direction from where you want it to go, you can still get better yourself. I have let go of the fear of losing my marriage. I still worry about the impact these things will have on my kids, but I know that I am now in a place to make things as easy for them as possible. My marriage situation still stinks but I am doing OK and you can too.
After reading other posts, I thought I should add one thing. For a period of time a couple of months ago, I took off my own ring and put it away. I metioned that to my new C and she asked "are you still marrried?" I said "yes". She asked "do you want to stay married?" and again I said "yes". Her response was "then put your ring back on and show you are living up to the committment you talk about." Its funny that I had known that all along but it sounded so much more concrete when she said it. I am standing up for that committment with all the symbols.
Stand up for what's right, even if you're standing alone.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
After a very long time of distancing myself, I think I hit a milestone this past weekend. W did something unpleasant and I found it humorous rather than getting angry. Follow: W has been going out a bit and I don't ask where. Mostly I use it as time to spend with my kids. Saturday night I was heading to the mall and she asked if I planned on going out after I went shopping. (I don't go out, btw). I said no then asked why she asked. She said she wanted to know if I had a problem taking our D9 with me (pants shopping with daddy) because W wanted to go out. I was so amazed by the request that initially I couldn't say anything. Then the absurdity of the entire situation struck me and I found it funny. I laughingly said "yes I have a problem taking her with me!" W responded by saying "I'll find a sitter then." in a very irritated tone. I just said ok and left. I am still amazed that she basically asked me to babysit our daughter while she went out to party with who knows who! Later, before I left I told her to make sure if she found a sitter that the sitter was paid before I got home. Am I nuts or does her request seem a bit loopy and off-kilter to anyone else?
Last edited by rhoch; 05/07/0706:05 PM.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
She is going out with a math instructor from her school (college). Totally different from the guy she had PA with a couple of years ago. I don't think this is a PA but rather she's just using him for company and emotional support right now. I am sure he tells her all the things she wants to hear.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
Very true UA. I mean......whay would prompt someone to even make such a statement? Is there really no thought in it? Do they not realize what they are asking? Are they just really that self-centered? Or am I totally missing something here? Should make for a great conversation with my C on Friday anyway.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
Missed having you around here to comiserate with btw!
I had a very similar situation happen three saturdays ago.. I had to attend a meeting some miles away from home and w was made well aware of it months before hand.. anyway... about 10 minutes before I had to leave.. w says see you later.. and walks out the door essentially leaving me with the three kids... I stop her with a "Huh ?.. where are you going ?".. she tells me she is going to OM"s mothers home some 20 miles away.. well I told her I would have to stay home and not attend the meeting... she got angry but stayed home..
The Plan ? OM (age 50) and w were going to use mommys house while she was away at saturday evening Mass ! I later learned that mommy was a bit surprised to see her son at her house unannounced that afternoon...however she is encouraging the r because she cannot stand OM's current W...
You cannot make these situations up.. they are too crazy for fiction ! Their is nothing an unmedicated or self medicated mentally ill person will not do..oye !
Hey, good to see you guys are still hanging in. My sitch is still progressing much too slowly. Still in the house, still no real final disposition on the financials or the CS. Theoretically we have agreed on the parenting plan (I get them half the time). W is occasionally unraveled, a bit more than in the past. As long as she stays in her logical brain, she does very well, sane and thoughful. When she gets her emotions running she becomes scared, angry, paranoid and cruel. It's a real Jekell/Hyde thing. Saturday, I had her say the cruelest things and then an hour later need a hug from me so badly she couldn't function until she got one. She accused me of being in-human, not wanting to comfort a human being in pain. So I gave her one. It was our first hug in months. She cried, I just wanted her to go away. Then she did great the rest of the day. It's the strangest thing I've ever seen. She still draws much strength from me.
I have been forced to draw some boundaries for her, and for the most part she respects them when I do. I might have to tell her I'm going to have to enforce one if her behavior doesn't change, and she might be mean about it for a few minutes, but then she gives in. The boudaries are about respect (not being mean to me) and about violence (she threw something at me Saturday that did not hit me, and I said that needed to stop in no uncertain terms or I would go for a TRO - an hour later she apologized and agreed she was wrong and I was right to push back).
She has never lied to me, but in the last few weeks she has said things that she later said were only to get a reaction from me. She claimed to feel suicidal (then 20 minutes later said it wasn't true), she claimed to have an atty lined up to file a traditional D (until I pointed out that was a violation of the collaborative agreement she'd signed - then she said it wasn't true). And she keeps taking random postions on the settlement (she wants to split everything evenly - except the house equity, she gets all of that!). Then she demands a date for me to move out. I explain that with her inconsistent behavior, there is no way I can move and then have her claim some ridiculous position and I'm stuck in some crappy apartment with no way to get my equity unless I agree to something absurd. But then she fantasizes that the real reason I'm staying is that I plan to force her out, or some other nonsense. It often doesn't matter what I tell her, she makes up a story to match her mood at the time.
She asked me what were the things that I thought were not negotiable for me. In a moment of stupidity, I mentioned I would not be happy if she attmpted to change the 50-50 deal with the kids. That was at 11 last night. At 5:30am this morning she is already in my room telling me she doesn't think she can live with a 50-50 arrangement! Wow, that was a record. Only six and a half hours from discussion to the stab in the back. I plan to ignore she ever said it, and see what happens. Last week she was complaining she wasn't getting enough time away from them and negotiated that I take them for three weekends in a row in June (we are trying to implement the plan by having primary responsibility for the kids on the days the parenting plan says). At this point I can believe nothing she says until the judge signs it.
Sorry for the hi-jack!
Last edited by built4speed; 05/09/0703:52 PM.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Their is nothing an unmedicated or self medicated mentally ill person will not do..oye !