First of all, I want to say that this site was so helpful to me many years ago during my divorce to my first wife and I feel it is a tremendous resource for those in need.
Second, I have been remarried for almost 3 years now to my soulmate and have no doubt of my wifes faithfullness and fidelity to me. NONE.
That being said, my issue is more my own paranoia. Yet I am looking for some moral support. Here goes. I was away on vacation last week with two of our kids while my wife had to stay home due to work reasons. Upon calling her Friday evening, she was giggling and had many of our friends and female neighbors over for dinner and drinks. At this time, my wife says a male stripper was going to arrive that evening. I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. After futher consideration, I was very upset that she did not tell me about this in advance. The thought of a naked (thong wearing) guy dancing around my house tripped me the wrong way. Call me crazy.
Anyhow, upon my return home a few days later, I was stewing and had a pit in my stomach. My wife got upset with me saying that it was just a harmless, goofy night with the girls letting lose (btw we are in our early 40's) to celebrate their pending graduation from nursing school. Another interesting thing is that one would never think of MY wife doing this. Although she is not a prude. She is very well kept, motherly women(and extremely attractive).
I trust my wife without question. Yet I did find some of the pics of the evening on my computer. nothing sexually was going on, yet this guy dancing all over my wife and neihgboors, in various forms of undress as well as in some unbeleiveably athletic positions freeked me out and I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. She assures me it was all in good fun.
In her frustration with me, she stressed nothing inappropriate went on and that I should stop behaving like I am. She said it bothered her that I would think she would cheat on me and that I dont trust her. Based on the pics I saw, I beleive she has a different opinion of what is appropriate than I do.
We have an exceptional relationship and love life and my mind says to cut the crap and let it go. But those pics are stuck in my head and I havent slept in days, which only makes it worse.
Has anyone any suggestions how to get these thoughts out of my head and stop being such a woosey? Whats very funny is that I am not the jealous type nor has she ever given me a reason to be jealouos. Its just the thought of the many positions he had the girls (including my wife) in while in my living room which is horrifying me. BTW, she doesn not know I have seen the pics. She had tried to delete them but failed
Mr P; I think you are really lucky! What an awesome opportunity you have.
I think your wife is right, nothing "inappropriate" went on in her mind. The fact that this is dramatically different behavior for her should set off sirens in your head. From your prior experience, I am assuming you have read DB/DR. If not, or it has been 3 years since you have, read it again. Now is the time to act. 180 to the rescue. I am assuming that the horrified response you are giving is what is expected, so change it up. I don't know the specifics, but something like you have really thought about it and are happy for her that she was able to just cut loose and have some fun. There may even be some male stripper role playing in your future.
Seriously Mr. P. it is time to change some things up.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
I can understand what you are saying and I feel that DB principals should apply to marriages that are strong and ones that are in jeapardy. I trust her yet will strengthen and update my understanding of the DB rules. I only wish I could get these pics out of my head. BTW, there were none of my W that were too alarming. It was the other pics and the thought that my sife could have been involved in the same thing, yet no pics were taken.
Take some time to read the "Sex starved marriage" section of this forum and thank your lucky stars you have a spouse that isn't uptight. Your next move should be you dancing for her to erase the negative vibes you are giving her. No one likes a stick in the mud.
Something like that has to be planned. I think I would be more concerned about the lack of communication then the actual dancer. Why would she not let you know about the party before hand?
Because it was an impulsive decision based on our conversation earlier in the day. When we talked that morning, she said she was going to have a few girls over. I joked that maybe she should have a Chippendale dancer over. Now-- she knows me well enough to know that I was just kidding.
Again, what is most upsetting is the fact that she tells me nothing inappropriate took place, yet she deleted all the pics from the computer. The problem was that she did not delete them properly from the camera after she downloaded them. In my opinion, many inappropriate things happened, although I did not see anything that bad with my wife. Only your basic lap dancing from a thong wearing stripper. Which she denied when I asked. So I am most upset about the deciept.
In my opinion, she knew I was upset over this evening before I returned home from vacation, therefore if nothing inappropriate happened, why would she delete the pics. If she showed them to me when I returned, although I would not have liked them, she could have explained the evening to me instead of coming off decieptful. In fact, I am sure our friends and husbands, (my friends too) would have gotten a good laugh. IF the stripper did things to my wife that I saw him to to some of the other women, it would bother me. Again, I must stress, the women were all dressed appropriately and I did not see anything truly sexual.
At this point I have avoided calling her on the carpet and telling her I have seen the photos. I don't know what that will accomplish other that getting her angry that I dont trust her. Although I am having a hard time trusting her now. I could not sleep again last night because I had those pics running through my head.
Our relationship has been so much built on respect and trust and I am so hurt by what I feel is decieptful behavior. My gut says let it go. Athlough in my opinion she mad an error in judgement bringing this guy into our house,without discussing with me, as a hardworking mother of 6 she deserves to have a fun night with her friends and doesnt need to give me a blow by blow account of what happened. But my heart aches over the thoughts her in that way.
Any suggestions to get th epics out of my brain other than massive amounts of alcohal?
Maybe this is a great opportunity for you to take the hint from her and chill out, relax and have some fun.
Quote:
Now-- she knows me well enough to know that I was just kidding
Really? So that explains why she didn't tell you about it. She didn't tell you because she knew you'd 'disapprove' - and as it turns out - you do! You're not her father! or the morality police ! You're her lover....
It's actually quite sad, that a wife doesn't feel safe enough with her H to have a good joke about how she and the girls are getting a male stripper over to spice up, in a totally non-threatening way, a girls-night-in. Sadly your over reaction to it, demonstrates why she didn't tell you and then felt she had to 'bury' the evidence.
As for getting the images out of your head - you could use the thought stopping techniques advocated here for people who obsess about their partner having affairs. The most popular one is that you visualise a STOP sign every time the image pops into your mind. Alternatively you could put a rubber band around your wrist and flick it every time you think about the photos.
Loosen up. Help let your wife know you approve of her and her choices - you might be in for a pleasant surprise.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I really appreciate your position. My intellectual side agrees with you almost 100%. I am not a jealous person by nature. I am very upset with myself about looking at the pics. Yet, I feel that for a married person to be that close to someone elses private parts is quite inappropriate. Especially while in our own home.
You are right in saying that she must have felt forced to lie because of my immediate reaction. Yet she didnt even give me the benefit of the doubt to discuss it first.
I have been to many a strip club in my day, but can never get close enough to the dancers to cause any concern. These woman had the guy hanging all over them,in some cases upside down with his goods in their face. Wearing a thong of course. In fact, since meeting my wife, I feel so close to her that I would never go do a strip club because I thought it would be direspectful to her.
As you can see, the picture it paints is disturbing and I feel she would be horrified has she seen pics of me in that way with another woman.
Eventually I will have to get over it. Right now I am longing for a single thought that doesnt have these pics in my head so I can sleep. If I get some sleep, I think it will be much easier to deal with. I will look up some of the stopping techniques you recommended.
MP I understand your situation. I think (and I think you've said this) your main issue is the deceit and lying. If it was harmless, why lie and delete the pics? I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I'd tell her that you need to talk and be honest with one another all the time. And tell her what you think is inappropriate and see what she sees as inappropriate.
And Virginia - he's not just her "lover" but her husband. She should show him some respect - and vice versa. Sheesh.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
