W moving out & says that it's permanent - Part 2

[12_51]

When she last talked about the "friendship issue", it was like she was saying that she was going to divorce me and she hoped it would be "friendly". It really wasn't like she wanted to be my "buddy" or anything.

When she last saw our dog, it was at my office and he ran to her and sat in her lap. I thought that he knew exactly who she was. He has always gone to work with me and has always been very attached to me. But I think he knew who she was and hadn't forgotten.

Other than the fact that she hasn't filed yet, does anyone see any hope in this?

[12_51]

Fearless,

Do you see it as being over at this point?

I have friends and family that tell me to just go a head and file, or push her to file. Get it done so I can move on.

Is it time to give up?

[RedHeadWife]

I don't know, I read the email and it didn't really sound "so final" to me. I know the sitch you are in sucks right now, but if you aren't ready to give up, then don't. Continue the DB'ing. If you haven't filed and she hasn't filed, just hang in there. Like I said, it sucks, the whole process sucks, but if you aren't ready to let go, then there may be hope. You won't ever know unless you try. I thought there was no hope in my sitch quite a few times and that H was just done and we were through because that's what he said, but I never gave up and we are ok now, truly better than if none of this had happened.

Figure out what YOU want to do. I don't think anyone can tell you when it's time to give up -- that's going to be strictly your decision. When you are ready to bow out gracefully. There are some people on these forums who have been at it for YEARS. If you don't WANT a divorce, then don't file and don't push her to file. I had plenty of people thinking I was insane for staying and putting up w/ what I did. But that is YOUR decision and your choice to make.

[Heywyre]

I agree with Cades - don't do it unless YOU really want to. There is nothing in the rule book that says you can't keep trying. I am sure there are oodles of situations out there (mine included) that most would have said there was no chance for but we are still hanging in there and making a real good go at it. If you don't file and she doesn't either, there is always hope. Heck, even when one has filed, there is still hope - we see and hear about it all the time

Do what is best for YOU 12_51, the rest will fall into place as it should

[Greeneyedlass]

12_51,

You are going through a roller-coaster of emotions right now. What you are feeling is to be expected...I agree with the others who say #1 don't do anything rash at this point, and #2 don't file for a D unless YOU really want it.

Right now your pride and your feelings are hurt, understandably so...YOU now know that you are taking the right steps to permanently solve the problem she dealt with for so long. So WHY NOW can't she give you that one more chance!? WHY NOW does she so adamantly want to move on without you?!

I still stand by my statement, this isn't over unless YOU want it to be. She's going to fluxuate in her emotions just as you are.

GEL

[Corri]

[Corri]

12_51:

Am I going to have to get RUDE and IN YOUR FACE again? Yanni Cohanni. I am swearing off this board to get on with my life, and the likes of you keep pulling me back in.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? Have you read Divorce Busting? NO? I didn't think so.

Where is your HOPE, man? No, you cannot control the actions of others, most especially your wife. But doggone it... if you want to fight for your M, fight for it. Dam it. LEARN how to do it. It won't happen overnight. And you are going to go thru he!! in the process.

But... if you want to give up, certainly, no one, especially me, is blaming you. You are hurt, at the end of your rope, without the spunk to kick your own azz... ready to give up. Hey, I get it. BTDT. In the business world, it'd be a great reason to declare bankruptcy.

So... go over to MoJo's thread, and learn about dating after D. Hug your kitties. Curl up and surrender. (No offense to you, Mo, I am not implying you gave up. But, you know as well as I do... the challenges of this new dating world.)

I get THAT. I do. I get it completely.

No one is blaming you in the least. Seriously. In my own sitch, had I gotten anything BUT anger from my xh, my life may be different.... now. Read that thread by can't cope. Read it. Digest it. I was married to that man.

Anger is good to fuel self-determination. It does not work well when you spew it on the world. Think of your business. I can't imagine it has been all smooth sailing. I'm sure you've been on the brink a time or two... what spurred you to keep going? Did you have a vision? Did you have a determination? Did you have a rock solid fck you faith? In spite of your own personal fears? Or did you just get lucky?

Corri

[12_51]

Thanks for the support everyone.

Cadesmom34, when you say you never gave up. What did you do? Just keep the hope alive in your heart or were there actions also? You are right that the marriage would be stronger, than if it never happened. I really believe it would be a much better relationship if we got back together.

Greeneyedlass, I can keep the hope, but if she says it's over and won't change. I can hope all I want, but it won't change her. Why won't she give me that one more chance? That's an excellent question. I don't really know. She says that "it's too little, too late" or "how do I know it can be different"?

Corri, if you feel I need it, get rude. I can take it. I have read the DR but not DB. Isn't DR an updated version of DB? I'll go read "can't cope"'s thread too.

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It's been an alright week. I've finally getting back to business and focusing much better. Had an appointment with a trainer last night at the gym to help me make the most of my sessions. He worked up a good plan for me. I'm going to try to go everyday...

I've lost 22 lbs, now down to 183 since all this crap started. I really feel much better about myself. Eating much better too. Not eating mexican and pizza 4 times a week, like the wife and I used to do. When I last saw her, I think she gained all the weight I've lost, plus some. Of course, I'd never tell her that.

I've really tried to not think about the relationship/marriage. I still do at times and still get mad and hurt. I don't know if this is good or not. I do miss her, but I'm not so focused on it any more.

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In my wife's email (copy posted above) she said that she had gotten most of my items out of the house and if I found any to just put it in her closet.

I've looke around the house pretty good, and I see a lot of stuff that she left. Stuff that I would have no use for. I could fill up her closet several times over with all the stuff.

It's really odd, and I don't want to read into this something that's not there, but it's almost like she took enought stuff to live at her new place, but didn't take everything that was hers.

Should I start gathering up stuff and put it in one of the spare bedrooms for her? Or, should I just leave it where it is?

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Going back to the house after she moved out really wasn't as painful as I expected. She had rearranged some of the futniture so it didn't look so empty.

I had really expected her to take everything of hers and that it was going to look real empty.

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One of my Uncles is an attorney and he urged me to sit down with her and get a "separation of property" worked out, while everyone isn't completely mad at each other. But I really don't want to push that until it gets further into the D process.

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I guess I just need to keep "laying low" and giving her "space." If I don't hear from her by sometime next week, may be I'll her... may be I should just wait until she calls me.

[12_51]

My parents have just returned from a month long trip. They have always loved my wife and have been very concerned. My mother sent my wife an email and she responded with the follow and sent me a copy also:

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Mom,

I would truly prefer that you spoke with me. I am the one who asked for the divorce. My parents have remained neutral yet supportive during my decision. They realize that although this decision touches others lives, it's truly between {HusbandName} and me.

I realize that I cancelled seeing you before you left, but 3 1/2 weeks ago emotions were very raw and {HusbandName} and I had things we needed to talk about before I spoke with you. I know you arrived home on Tuesday, but I also know that with time adjustments as well as things to be done (laundry etc.) I was giving you time to settle back in. Also, during one of mine and {HusbandName} discussions, he said he would talk with you all and tell you why I felt I could no longer remain married, so I was giving him that time as well. After {HusbandName} talks with you, I will be more than happy to sit and talk with you and Pop. I would like to remain friends with you both as well as {HusbandName}. {HusbandName} and I are trying to do that. I truly love you both as well as the extended family and I hope that once we talk that you can understand my reasoning, and if not, at least respect it.

I will be in touch,

{WifeName}

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Should I respond to this?

I don't understand why she feels that divorce is the only answer. I think all can be worked out. Her email sounds very final.

I'd like to get other's opinions on this. Please help me!!

[Heywyre]

Interesting that she says "he said he would talk with you all and tell you why I felt I could no longer remain married"

Is this even true? Do you actually know why she feels she no longer can remain married? If not, then perhaps you could talk to her and say, "I would like to talk to my parents regarding the email you sent Mum, but I do not know the "why" you can no longer remain married."

Seems a copout to me - but then what do I know