You know, j, I grew up in a house full of girls, and when I found out I was going to have a boy, I was so freaked out. But now, I think boys, with all their potty mouth, bad manners, and weird behavior are just so great, and my S's friends really like me, because I like them. So, think of the kid as maybe what your H was like at that age, and enjoy his cute little self. Or big self. My S is a big noisy boy, who usually displays the good manners taught him, but not always. My nephew who doesn't usually like anyone, kept giving me hugs at Christmas, because I was the only aunt who didn't treat him like the ill-behaved boy he can be.
I do hope this really means something, by my H saying he doesn't enjoy the resentment. Yesterday in church, the preacher was talking about the sermon on the mount, and talked about adultery, and God's faithfulness to us.
My H wrote to me that it was easy for the preacher to say. I said what? He wrote that the preacher didn't see anybody get beat up and hurt others, I wrote that he had seen people change and to not hurt others again. I had nothing more to say to H at that time, so I just sat there, sniffling, with tears in my eyes, ecause he is so equating my part in this as if I truly abused him. I may have been really bit*hy at times, maybe even alot of times, and we each called names sometimes, and cursed at each other, and H would go off and drink and cry about things, but I never knew this, until I confronted him about what I had found out last year. I told him I accept my part in all this, and I don't know what the heck else to say to him, when the guilt convicts him right in the middle of church, and he squirms in his seat, because he knows the preacher is talking directly to him, he will try to turn it around and make it all my fault all over again. The preacher isn't really talking directly to him, but you know how it is when they do seem to be looking right into your soul?
I was very quiet, but still polite to him yesterday afternoon, and after a short nap, he said he was going to work in the yard. I asked if I could help, and at first he said no, then if you see something that needs doing, do it. Then he said come on and I will put you to work. So, as he said it, I was his go-fer all afternoon, carting weeds and stuff away for him, and getting him something to drink when he wanted it. He actually told our S I did a better job than he thought I would.
We watched tv later and had a nice dinner, and then went to bed. We snuggled alot during the night, but sometime during the night, I had a bad dream, and woke up jerking away from him, and he said, what! I said someone grabbed me in my dream, and I was telling them to let me go. He said I yelled out to let me go! I told him it wasn't him, or some guy who is bugging a friend. But, you know what, it was H. I don't really remember, but in my dream, H got me really upset, and I struggled away from him, and yelled for him to let me go. I wonder what that means. We did still snuggle after that, and this morning he wanted to have some fun, so I obliged. Now he is off to work, and here am I.
Hey cj, I just wonder if this is the "roller coaster" referred to by so many. It's like one day, he will say nothing mean, then the next he has to get a dig in. Maybe that's why I feel disconnected from him sometimes, like I can sit back and really look at him and wonder why the heck this all had to happen, and wish I could look deep inside him to see what he thinks about what he has done, and whether we will be able to put Humpty Dumpty together again, maybe not like before, but stronger.
I know what you mean. I was feeling like I wanted intimacy, and he would only snuggle, so when he wants intimacy, it makes me feel more connected to him. I also don't tell him I want more intimacy, because I don't want to push him away. I am not going to get resentful like he did with me, because of this, because I know he is tired from working, and maybe once or twice a week is all he can handle right now.
whoaa, your h may have been talking about what he sees as a cop every day. I doubt he was equating your "nagging" to that type of abuse. If so, he really is seeing himself as a victim, which isn't just immature and irresponsible, it's also sad and alarming b/c it would mean he thinks he has no control IN the R, and so must look outside the R for the feeling of control. Like I said, though, I doubt he meant you.
Oh, I have a son(20) and many nephews, and I know what you mean about boys. This is different. It's just that I think my friends kid is somewhat autistic (my little brother has Asperger's syndrome, which is a mild form of it) and she doesn't seem to notice his odd behavior. She said he got picked on at school so now she home schools him. But now he is even less sociable and stranger in his interactions with other kids, and very immature. So, thing is, if it were my sister, I could say something. She is Not helping him, in the long run. When a teacher asked him what a best friend would be like, he said "a robot" and my friend thought it was inappropriate for the teacher to question further and then suggest counselling. But I think the teacher is on to something. But it's my friend's only child (b/c she said, "he's so much work, I could never have another kid" ) and she seems to think he is a genius of some sort and that it is the reason other kids aren't kind, they just don't get his brilliance....okay.... Just made my weekend weird b/c I love do my friend, but her kid made me look for a xanax, which I have none of...he does not make conversation unless asked and then gives one word answers. Can't leave him alone with a pet... His laugh, when it comes, is extremely odd. He clings like a 4 y/o and weighs more than me, actually weighs more than d18 who is 6 ft tall and not anorexic.... Last complaint on him- went out to dinner with them last night and I came in last due to parking. I noticed d18 sat across from the kid, leaving me to sit next to him, so I could hear his constant eating noises and see the droppings next to my lap....but d18 told me later she had weighed it all out, and chose to sit across from him, even though it meant maybe constantly seeing the contents of his mouth....(actually hilarious to hear her tactics) b/c she figured it'd be easier for her to avert his face, than avert hearing his noises... but we both ended up thinking we had lucked out in a way...the kid also doesn't seem to bite pieces of things, but stuffs the chunk in his mouth. Took a piece of bread and put the whole "butter bowl" (the little tub that holds maybe a half stick) on top of it, and then put the entire piece into his mouth...OKAY I AM STOPPING NOW...
later on, this will be a comedy monologue or something. Wonder if I can do a "monologue" of just eating, on stage, and trying to converse the way he did....could be funny....or really gross. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh, no, he has told me he feels like I beat him down, that he is an abused spouse, and that he equates this to the domestic violence he sees. To say I was shocked and in total disbelief when he said this is an understatement. So, yes he absolutely said he meant me. He doesn't say it nearly as often as he used to, but it does bother me that he equates bit*hing with abuse. I never stood over him, and intimidated him or called him bad names, he called me a bit*h, I would call him a jerk or a jacka**, or a dumba**. He sometimes called me a F-ing bit*c. And he would throw up my childhood to me, and say that is why I am the way I am. I wished I had never told him about my childhood, that's why kids are ashamed of what has happened, because someone will come along and blame them for it. Yeah, I was a throwaway child, molested, and then used, and abused, and I knew I had alot to overcome, and thought I had done really well for the most part. I always thought I was a kinder person, who could still get angry like anyone else, but not out of control, and then here I am not able to see what he says I did to him. I am tempted to get hypnotized to see if they can recover the memories of the extreme abuse I put him through. I have a good memory, but he has me questioning it, because I cannot for the life of me remember the abuse. I don't believe it WAS any thing more than what I described. I think he has blown it up out of proportion. I have admitted to him that I was bit*hy, and that I said mean things to him, but I will not say I was abusive when it nowhere reaches that level. I talked to my counselor about all this, and he didn't see that it was abusive, either. And if it was, wouldn't what H did and said to me count as abuse, too?? I mean he said some mean things, like saying he though I was mentally ill, a homosexual, and other hurtful things, and would throw up the molestation I went through. Isn't that abuse if my being a bit*h was?? Anyway, that's my rant of the day. Maybe one day I will have an experience that will bring up all those apparent hidden memories. Or maybe he will have an experience that will show him that it was not abuse, but merely a troubled marriage that needed to be fixed, not lied about. And not covered up by him getting drunk and passing out.
Well, we do call my nephew the evil genius. Awful behavior, and said the f word in church one time, but he is older now and is starting to grow out of it, thank God. And thank you for stopping the extremely visual description of his eating habits, I was beginning to feel my eggs and toast coming back up.
L P.S. This has just tired my mind out more than I could imagine, so I have to go lie down and maybe give my brain a rest.
interesting that your h says he is an abuse victim. He is over relating to his victims. I recall when I defended child abusers (not my choice, fyi) I started seeing "abuse" any time a parent disciplined their kid. So maybe that's what he's doing. You need to somehow distinguish his sitch from true abuse, especially since YOU know what real abuse is. Please....if your "jerk/jackass/dumbass" comments were it, even screamed at repeatedly, you are soooo in the ball park of normal. Has he ever had a real R with another woman, and if so, did they never fight? I realize most dating couples do not get anywhere near as crazy as married couples, but still he has to get a clue about typical fighting...and yes, my h has said some of the same things yours has, and I've said stuff to him I'm not proud of either. WTH, we are all human and doing the best we can.
Maybe you can say, "I'm sorry you think of that as abuse and I regret saying those things. Despite the names you've called me, given my background I don't see it as abuse. But as I've said before, I'm doing my best and that is all I can do...ie. forgive your shortcomings, note my defects, work on them and move forward..."
You know, HE is NOT the only one doing the forgiveness work, or trying to lose resentment. Sometime you may need to remind him of that. Guess he's got amnesia. Sheesh! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
interesting that your h says he is an abuse victim. He is over relating to his victims. I recall when I defended child abusers (not my choice, fyi) I started seeing "abuse" any time a parent disciplined their kid. So maybe that's what he's doing. You need to somehow distinguish his sitch from true abuse, especially since YOU know what real abuse is. Please....if your "jerk/jackass/dumbass" comments were it, even screamed at repeatedly, you are soooo in the ball park of normal. Has he ever had a real R with another woman, and if so, did they never fight? I realize most dating couples do not get anywhere near as crazy as married couples, but still he has to get a clue about typical fighting...and yes, my h has said some of the same things yours has, and I've said stuff to him I'm not proud of either. WTH, we are all human and doing the best we can.
Maybe you can say, "I'm sorry you think of that as abuse and I regret saying those things. Despite the names you've called me, given my background I don't see it as abuse. But as I've said before, I'm doing my best and that is all I can do...ie. forgive your shortcomings, note my defects, work on them and move forward..." or some part of that...
You know, HE is NOT the only one doing the forgiveness work, or trying to lose resentment. Sometime you may need to remind him of that. Guess he's got amnesia. Sheesh! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Actually, not unless you consider his high school GF, a real relationship, after they broke up, he dated for a couple of yrs, before we met. So, I never really thought of it that way, maybe the ow showing him an idealized, fantasy version of life, made him begin to believe that real life was not really real life. The the fantasy was real life. He is a smart guy, how could he fall for crap like that? But, he also said I thought he was stupid, because I mentioned a few times that Duke University did a study once that showed that boys got their intelligence from their mothers, and girls got theirs from their fathers, so our S got his from me. I was joking with him, but he could not understand that. I never thought he was stupid, I have bragged about him to others, but I guess they were not the type to tell him the nice things I said about him.
I think what you said I should consider saying to him, is a good thing to say, because I do know what true abuse is. I even had a physically abusive BF once. But only once. Yeah, I think it's amnesia on his part, maybe.
On the plus side, he was talking yesterday, when we were working in the yard, about the things he wants to do to the landscape, things which will take years.
Have you asked your h what you did that he thinks of as abusing? Or would it make him mad that you don't know?
My h has also thrown my past in my face. Sometimes when we would get into arguments, he would make me so mad that I would call him a jerk or jackass. Then he would call me an a**hole.
H has said that he feels like I blame him for my entire rotten childhood. Does that make any sense at all? My dad was very strict and easy to anger. He spanked often, beat us with a belt, banged our heads together, etc. He also molested me. But why would I blame h for any of that?
One thing h said that hurt the most was when he blamed me entirely for what happened to our d. I have a son from a previous marriage who I didn't get to raise (a long, unpleasant story). My mom's sister adopted him. He came to visit us twice. D became depressed a few years ago because she had repressed memories that came out about her half bro raping her. Those two times s came to visit, d was 4 and 7. S was 14 and 17. D started cutting when these memories came out. At the time of those visits, I had been spending a lot of time on the computer when h was at home. I felt like he could care less if I was in the room with him anyway. So, in one of our heated arguments he said that if I hadn't been spending so much time on the computer, she wouldn't have been raped. I didn't even spend that much time on the computer--especially when s visited. Something didn't feel right. I rarely let them out of my site. I still beat myself up over d's depression. I felt that alot of it was my fault. There were a lot of things that happened to s before I lost him. If they didn't happen, he probably wouldn't have raped his baby sister. There were also some times that I had to leave them alone. I wish I took my instincts more seriously and didn't leave them alone at all. But for h to say that it was all my fault, hurt me to the core. That was when I asked him if he had given up on me and wanted a divorce. He thought about it overnight and apologized in the morning. He didn't want a divorce. He said to throw out everything he said that night. We would work out our troubles somehow.
wow, what a bunch of low blows. I want to put this delicately so pardon me if I don't do it well. As an attorney I once represented several accused molesters. Most of them were no doubt guilty. But the only innocent men I ever represented, were also accused of that. And I KNOW for a FACT that at least some of the kids either lied, or convinced themselves that they'd been molested. There is a victim mentality around us, and many therapists find "so called Repressed" memories which nearly always refer to some molestation by a male relative. Guess what? Repressed memories have largely been discredited in legal/psychological circles. Doesn't mean she didn't believe it. The cutting means something inside her hurts, but may have nothing to do with your son. What does HE say? Is he believable?
As part of a study, We filmed a physician doing a physical exam on a 5 y/o girl. He listened to her heart, and lungs, etc. Nothing inappropriate, and she kept her underwear on the whole time. We then had her meet with a "victim therapist/social worker" who was able to convince the kid in 45 minutes, that she had been stripped naked AND he had touched her, etc. (Don't worry, she was later "de-briefed" and okay) When we showed the film to an "expert" witness who had just testified that "kids never lie", she just stuttered a bit. I said, "but we just filmed a child making something up, however innocently, due to the improper influence of an interviewer." She really didn't get it. That's the end of my speech, fwiw. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My dad was very strict and easy to anger. He spanked often, beat us with a belt, banged our heads together, etc. He also molested me. But why would I blame h for any of that? 
That was when I asked him if he had given up on me and wanted a divorce. He thought about it overnight and apologized in the morning. He didn't want a divorce. He said to throw out everything he said that night. We would work out our troubles somehow.