I agree that CeMar does have a tendency to read into words what he wants to hear, and that he sees things in absolutes, but I think your last post is doing much of the same. You are making an assumption that CeMar’s wife is not suppressing her desire on purpose and that it is only nature taking it’s course. You don’t know whether this is true or not. It might well be the case that she is consciously suppressing her desire, just living day to day until the time comes when the kids have moved out of the house. That would not surprise me at all since I think CeMar is doing the same.
Even if her issues are medically related, she could do something to restore her connection to CeMar if she wanted to. It might not bring her desire back, or it might only work a little. Who knows, but if she is doing nothing, or not even trying, that is a different matter. That might point toward avoidance. And that is a conscious decision by her, not nature taking it course.
If she has been sexually abused, as CeMar suspects, and she has not addressed this abuse or worked through it, then it would also make sense that she is avoiding intimacy for a reason. If this is true, the CeMar has a very valid point. The problem I have with CeMar is that he likes to play the helpless victim, whine about his sitch, and do nothing to move it forward.
She married CeMar for a reason. CeMar seems to be have a very narrow, stubborn, way of thinking. I would suspect that his wife has a lot of the same characteristics. She would have to in order to survive with CeMar, though all this is speculation on my part. So there might be a silent, P/A power struggle going on too.
CeMar, there are things you can do to understand why your wife is suppressing her desire for you, if that is truly the case. Whining about it is not one of those things. How about a little more information of her background (especially her sexual abuse and who abused her), whether she has been to counseling about this, whether you two have talked much about this, etc….
Actually I'm only going off of what he's written to us. He gave us a list of things, so yes...I am assuming that if she has these medical conditions THAT in itself could be the cause. That is the info he's given us.
To me, it's an assumption to say she's supressing her desire too.
CeMar really only gives us enough info to make...assumptions and suppositions.
You keep talking about these OTHER ways that the LD spouse shows love. But all these other ways are the WRONG love language. So if the wife is going to show me love, is it not her responsibility to show me in MY love language? If you speak to someone in a langauge that is NOT their love language, you have to expect that it will not really make any deposit in their love bank, so in why do it?
I'm not getting from your posts that your wife knows what a love language is, much less has any interest in speaking one.
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So if the wife is going to show me love, is it not her responsibility to show me in MY love language?
According to whom or what rule book? And even if it was... she obviously isn't doing it. So now what? You have convinced me, at least, that your wife is an unmovable object on this subject. Learn to live with it until you are willing to leave your marriage. Give up the gripe on what your wife should do if she loved you, and everything you are not getting from your ND wife. It is only self-torture. From my end, at least, your continual grinding on this sounds like a man who is angry and hurt that his blind wife can't see. kwis?
Don't get caught in up a "If I do this then she should do that" cycle either. You do things out of love for her and by meeting her languages she is shown your love. You can have you own needs and address them with her. If she loves you then, yes, she will at least attempt. But that attempt will be up to her, and the interpretations of your needs will be up to her as well and if the best of her ability still doesn't meet your minimum needs then you have to make a decision as to whether you will do without, out of love and respect, or separate and find someone who can, also out of love and respect.
it not her responsibility to show me in MY love language?
Not if she doesn't even know it's your love language. Does she even know what a love language is? Of course we do here on the BB, we talk about it all the time...we've read the books. She can't speak it if she doesn't know what one is. She can't speak it if she doesn't understand what you are really lacking. Even still..."if" she has true medical reasons to kill her libido, even if she tries to speak it...I don't think it will be good enough for you, because you won't accept that it's a real effort on her part. You want this burning desire to come from deep inside her...she can't fake that burning desire if it's not there and it's stifled or extinguished due to hormonal issues. If she tries to fake that desire to make you happy, you won't accept that...you've said so before.
It's YOUR responsibility to COMMUNICATE to her exactly what a love language is...and what YOURS is, the best place to do that is in a MC office. It's YOUR responsibility to say "Honey I want us to see a MC". It's YOUR responsibility to do your best to get her to understand. If you try to get her to "get it" via means of counselors, communication, radical honesty, and speaking her love languages to her (regardless of what she does for you)...and she still doesn't step up and meet your needs in a satisfactory manner for you...then you have a decision to make. Do you stay in a marriage where you don't receive what you need? In which case, since you are a "religious" man...you are not allowed to seek those needs outside of your marriage...since that is a sin in and of itself. OR you choose to leave the marriage and find someone who CAN meet your needs. Divorce IS allowed and acceptable for a great many reasons in MANY predominant religions...your own convictions may not allow it, but don't use your religion as the crutch not to leave if you are unhappy. That's not a slam at you either, your religion doesn't prevent you from leaving an unhappy situation....YOU DO.
I have tried to explain it, but it never seems to be understood. One of the biggest problems is that she focuses on the sex. Sex is NOT the issue. It is about how the desire for sex changes EVERYTHING else about a woman. Like most LD women, she does not realize that almost everything about her has changed, not just her sex drive. I like to refer to this as the HD personality and the LD personality. It is very similar to what Michelle describes in SSM. HD personality types are fun, LD personality types are NOT fun. I loved my original wife, my current wife I do not. It's like all the FUN gets sucked out when women lose their sex drive. This is why willingness to have sex does NOT help, because it never really was about the sex. Sex is the RESULT of meeting the need, it is NOT the need.
