Thanks for the resposes all. I must say that are, very close to, spot on. She and I had a mini-conversation regarding the current state of affairs. Seems she thought I had checked out for a completely different reason than I had. She related that she was needing to be able to communicate her feelings with me, but that I was unavailable. I CAREFULLY took the opportunity to inform her of the reason why I was checked out and let her know how the way things are was affecting me. This was not a very detailed discussion, but the main issues were brought up.... sort of. and I feel like she knows that my emotional availability is profoundly influenced by the level of acceptance/love I feel from her. In other words , I was sure to let her know that I truly want to be available for her, but that it had become more and more difficult to do that, to be emotionaly exposed to her, when I felt kind of like a tool. A tool to be used when I was needed and not really loved or wanted nessesarily. In a weird way, I think she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. She knew what she was doing already. In fairness to her, she has been under A LOT of strain on other issues that are not directly related to our marriage. I have always been consious of this. It is a major reason that I have put off addressing the isses that we currently have. It is just that the repetitive nature of the "love you wnat you/ you are annoying and I wish I never married you" cycle had finally taken its toll on me. I just have had enough and am bummed about being on the bottom of the priority list (if I am on it at all). Anyway, I am really making an effort to allow myself to be willing to open up again to her. I struggle with this as I am not at all sure that I can do this again. However, I am willing totry and I am hopeful that things work out better.
