Now if you are seeking Hope...we can offer that. What is it you really want?
Think Deeply about that. You have a possibly MLC spouses--though he is young, but the signs are there. MLCers are INSANE...and though it lastsa a few years, it is still temporary. They come out of the crisis looking for their old life...that is their real wife.
Sometimes they find her waiting, sometimes they find her without forgiveness, sometimes they find her with a new husband. And then there are those who are afraid of what they have done that want to find her, but don't go looking.
As for an OW...you've described the TYPICAL OW. Ugly and jealous. It is the perfect combination for an affair...cause it won't last. She is dating a married man...thus he is untrustworthy. The only sort of person who would date a married man (knowing he is married) is one who is jealous and will not trust...often because she has a pattern of dating marrieds.
So step back and let her be jealous.
As for telling hi you know....there are different thoughts on that. It's been a long time for you and he's been out of the home, my advice is yeah...tell him.
He will deny. You don't have to tell him you met her...but you can and then tell him she's a great catch--(sarcasm). But what I would do is tell him you know he's having an afair because it is obvious, and he's flaunted her to everyone. You know and he can deny it all he likes but deny it silently cause you know the truth and you aren't stupid.
Then stop listening to his words--not really, but make it clear that what he is saying isn't being paid attention to since his mouth is moving---thus he's lieing.
If he needs you can point out why it is so obvious that he's having an affair. Sweetheart thought he wasn't being obvious...but you don't drive the OW's stripper daughter's truck without some sort of inappropriate relationship. You don't bring the OW to your parents...you don't bring a femal friend to meet your parents when you are married. You especially don't bring a female friend who claims to be your fiancee to your parents when you are trying to deny a relationship to your wife.
You don't tell you wife there is an OW and that when the relationship goes physical she will know because you will stop being physical with her. You don't tell you wife that you HAVE to file for divorce because the OW will probably require the paperwork as proof before sex--though OWs are easy and they won't require proof....though they will push him to divorce.
And you said your friends have known and met her--even hung out with the two of them and were 'in on it.' Are you not planning to tell him that your friends outed her? Cause those aren't your friends. Friends don't help people cheat.
So he hasn't filed...has he stated that he wants a divorce...and then has he given reasons why he isn't acting on that? Many don't. But if he doesn't consider himself married--which is common for these nutcases--then use that to point out how stupid it is to deny the obvious affair. And if you are looking for a crisis trigger...well lots of guiys go nuts with the a new baby--even when it's not the first child.
So what do you really want? If you want DB advice about divorcing...at least be more specific...how to keep it cordial or what to do so your children are protected...thus using DB techniques to keep him pleasant.
But right now you aren't being clear. You want a divorce but you don't want to be the initiator...you don't want to be seen as the bad guy. Well, hey don't worry about that one...ALL your friends know about the ugly whore. You aren't the bad guy. You are protecting yourself and your kids.
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