Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[runningoutoftime]

Unless, of course, you're going out with the guys, (dressed and smelling like an aboslute hunk!) and having an excellent time yourself...

But seriously, if the wife moves out where does the child go? Will there be a custody battle? These things need to be considered before separating. If I were a man in this position I'd pull in the purse strings as tight as possible before losing my child. That would be the first step....

By the way, this is also helpful if a relationship does eventually go into divorce. A good amount of time bringing a wife's "standard of living" down a few notches will help reduce alimony payments in the future... depending on your state, of course...

[andyv]

I have thought about alot of things regarding move outs etc etc.

But I love seeing my DD every day, I love living in our new house and I still enjoy the interaction with my W. If nothing else, when the D day does come, W has no reason to try to do me over with anything.

As we are separated, I need to give my W her freedom and space (I have always been jealous and controlling throughout our marriage). I would like to think that I have changed a great deal over the last few months.

So what if she is going out, possibly chasing after OM or looking at other possibilites. That is beyond my control.

I am also out and about, mainly with friends etc

She needs to get this stuff out of her system, without pressure from me. I have a feeling that 17 years of feeling one way, compared to several months of feeling another will hit her pretty hard one day.

And this OM doesn't bother me, we are like chalk and cheese. My BIL saw him at a party and he is nothing like what I thought he would be like, puny, not good looking etc. I thought being a Kick Boxing coach he would be huge etc.

I think she probably enjoys his company because he was emotionally there when I wasn't. From what I have heard he seems to be pretty decent as well which is one of the qualities my W found attractive.

[andyv]

MLC is such a pain.

My W went to Melbourne for a shopping exped with her girlfriends, I assume EA/OM went with them because he just loves doing girly things with them.

W was pretty friendly when she left on Friday morning, spoke on phone, how excited she was etc etc.

Then she sent a txt on Fri night (no call) saying she was having a good time and send love to DD.

Today (Saturday) she left a message for DD (at 5:30 pm, no call all day) on home phone, saying she missed her, but no reference to me (she keeps telling me she still want's to be friends with me, and has been acting nice around me at home etc). She left a message on my mobile, for DD.

I feel that she is still angry at me (MLC blaming me for everything, missing out on things, not there emotionally, controlling, jealous etc).

But since I have been lovingly detached and GAL over the last 2 weeks, I wonder if she is doing this on purpose (ignoring me whilst she is having a good time). Because she has not been able to push my buttons for some time.

Maybe testing my controlling and jealous nature (which has pretty much been exhausted since this saga started, and I have controlled it really well). Normally I would have had a go at her etc.

I have not called her, only returned her calls.

I have been unavailable today to take her calls. Too busy with DD doing fun things with my family and friends.

Or possibly her EA has turned PA during her trip??? Good opportunity?? I still think he is gay though.

Any takes on the above from anyone???

[runningoutoftime]

I like your attitude, and that you're working on trying to reduce a controlling, jealous nature. I have to admit, I used to be much more controlling and jealous too, and having finally detached and let go of that I feel soooo much better. It's like letting go of a huge weight that one has dragged around forever. You end up liking (and loving!) yourself so much more.

Hopefully you can continue detaching and letting to go. If your wife is in the early stages of MLC this may be a long ride and you'll need the detachment, but overall it will be a very healthy positive thing for you. Sometimes it really is painful experiences that bring the most growth.

It's hard to know what your wife is doing. If she's testing or what, but I think continuing to detach and GAL is good. And the less you consider what she's trying to do, the better for you. Hummm.... kickboxing coah.... that doesn't sound like a prize to me.

One more thing.... you sound like a great dad. I have a lot of admiration for men who want to stay and raise their children in spite of a spouse's difficult behavior. It takes a lot of strength to do that. Women may come and go in your life, but your daughter will be your child forever.

[andyv]

Thanks ROOT,

The thing that is going to hurt me the most is not seeing my DD every morning and every night if we do D.

And regardless of what anyone says, our relationship will not be the same as it is now (or if W and I were still together). And I don't even want to think how DD is going to handle it when she finally realises what is happening.

DD takes alternative nights sleeping with W or myself as we are in separate rooms. She skips some nights with W and prefers to stay with me, because she loves the way I read books to her (makes me feel special)

It just breaks my heart when I watch her sleeping, still the happy little thing she has always been, not knowing what is going on.

You know she still has dreams of flying every couple of nights(which is thought to be a happy and free feeling dream).

Thank you again for your encouraging words.

How are things going with your sitch? I hope things are looking brighter for you.

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Andyv,

How are you doing? I hope you are getting out and doing some fun things and spending lots of time with DD.

I'm curious... if you do separate and have to go through D, what are the custody laws like in Australia? Is a 50/50 time split typical or would you do the every other weekend? Any way you'd get primary custody?

For your daughter's sake I support your decision to try and keep living arrangements as they are regardless of how nutty your W becomes during her MLC. Just make sure you do things for yourself too.

[andyv]

Hey ROOT,

My W told me a few months ago that we would share custody and split things 50/50. I hope this was not guilt talking and she does not change her mind on the day.

I have not spoken to anyone regarding the custody laws, but I would say they are similar as the states.

I have had a good 3 weeks, and given my W space and done my own thing. I stayed out overnight on a couple of nights when I did go out, and she did not ask me anything about it. She was a little peeved in her demeanour afterwards.

The funny thing is, whenever I am pleasant to her she seems annoyed. For example, when I got home from work, and she was at home with D (after picking her up from after school care due to her working also), I asked her in a happy voice "Hi, how are you"?. She just replies "Alright".

She was the one that wanted us to be friends etc etc. I just cant work out why she is so moody. I have done nothing to upset her, I have not challenged her re: R or EA or M or D-day for nearly 3 weeks, and have been GALing and avoiding her as much as I can.

I just hope that she is not peeved that I am still around, or EA has not progressed as she may want it too, etc

She has not mentioned any dates for D-day, I have been the one to ask her the date in October. She still has not given me a date. As her cousin told me several weeks ago, she hasn't even seen a solicitor about anything and all her info regarding separation, divorce, custody has been from asking other people.

[runningoutoftime]

Yeeeeah!!! I like that she seems a bit peeved at your happiness. Oh yeah! She wants you crushed and pining for her. Just keep being positive, happy and working on your life (even if you are falling apart inside... don't show it!).

Be friendly and continue to do exactly what you are doing. If you are cordial and being easy to get a long with it's unlikely she's peeved at you being there.

Don't bring up the divorce at all. If she wants it let her do all the work. You just keep enjoying life, work out (endorphins are a great high!!!), hang out with friends, stay happy and look great.

[andyv]

Thanks ROOT,

You know, the longer you detach and GAL, the easier it is to keep it going and not backsliding.

W is also doing a few odd things. Before when I was there as her doormat, she would hide in her room when she used her phone, or sent txt messages, out of my view.

Now she is doing it when I am with her, and she really does put on a show. She talks out aloud when she reads her txt like "Oh, that is soooo cheeky", or "Hah, thats naughty", and makes it so obvious (but I just ignore and keep reading or watching TV or adjourn to my office to use the PC (showing no emotion other than my pleasant self).

When I am locked in my office using PC, I can hear her upstairs talking loudly on the phone, laughing etc, she has never done that, she was always in her bedroom when she spoke to her friends etc.

I think my DR efforts may be having an effect. I hope so anyway.

But it doesn't hurt as badly as it did even 4 weeks ago. I think when you accept that they are gone or in another relationship, you tend not to worry or think about it as much as before.

Just appreciate what you had, and move on. If things do change and she does come back, all the better, but if not I have accepted it.

Also I will never lose sleep, as I have handled myself with honesty and integrity throughout our marriage and even after everything my W has done to this point.

[scout332]

Andy,

Spent a long time reading through your thread this AM. Thanks for all the replied to mine. It is amazing how closely they resemble each other. Unfortunately, things seem to be deteriorating for you. For me, R is better, just not far enough(or fast enough) to suit me yet.

I think it sounds as though you are doing the best you can. It doesn't matter how much you want things to improve until she decides she wants them to improve.

I don't think you are acting as a "push-over". You want things to work and don't want to hit the ultimatum button yet. I've let my wife keep training with her EA. I figure that at some point she has to decide she wants me if things are to succeed. I think her fantasy may be dying out somewhat--after all he still acts like a 24yoM would.

You are taking care of yourself better than me. I'm still sticking to the Father role after work. Sounds like you are getting out and forcing her to act like a mother. I'm not forcing my wife to do so, as it is one of the things she is rebelling against. She had been a stay-at-home mom for 9yrs, and I always worked alot of hours, nights, and weekends. Figure she can have some "space" in that regard.

Keep working at it. Don't beat yourself up if you back-slide. It's hard not to--after all you are the one that still loves your spouse(and hasn't gone off the deep end).

I'll keep watching your thread for updates.