Wow Mark. I'm so happy for you. That is fantastic. I will miss you but I'm glad you are leaving for the right reason. I knew your W really loved you, she just needed to see what life without you was like. She is lucky to have you as a H. Work on that M every day my friend, you don't want to be back here in seperated again and I don't want to see you back except to give advice. All the best Mark, 4
I had to come back and read your post again I'm so thrilled for you. I was thinking you should get Chapman's five love langauges, I think it would be very good reading for you and it would help you and your W out in piecing. I knew she really loved you. In this case i don't mind saying i told you so. Way to go Mark, 4
Thanks for all the notes on getting back together with my wife. It’s been two weeks now and it has been well for the most part. Only once did my wife start to revert to the past and we nipped that in the bud.
Both of us have agreed to move our relationship forward and not beat each other up over real or perceived wrongs in the past. There is still work to do. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I know she does not want to divorce and start over and neither do I. We both want a healthy relationship for ourselves and our son. So we have that common ground to work from.
Issues remain that will be difficult, but I am committed to working through them. And I know my wife is at least willing to try.
A few more weeks together and maybe I will be confident enough to move to the “piecing” forum.
Again thanks for all the support; I will try to make at least weekly updates.
Hi Mark Just wanted to say goodbye. I don't think I will be keeping up with my thread anymore. W talked to me and wants to speed everything up and have it done before summer. So It is over for me. I really appreciated your support. I could always count on you. I am glad for you and hope you and your W have a happy life together. Take care, 4
I just wanted to stop by with an update on my progress.
My W and I have been back together for over 6 weeks. She has confided to me what got to her was when it appeared I was moving on. When I starting coming over just to take care of my son and that was pretty much it and also when I was appearing to get a life, I was watching movies with my sister (yeah, nothing major just doing something fun without her). This according to my wife opened her eyes that it might really be over and she was going to have to fend for herself. She decided she had to get over her anger or face a life she didn’t want. So I guess there really is something to the Get A Life mantra.
One of the other things I learned is that it really was pointless trying to address relationship issues until she was willing to put the anger behind her. We had been to see a counselor several times together during the separation and it was awful. My wife just use the time to dump on me and listened to nothing the psychologist was saying. Once we got back together and she was over the anger we went to a different therapist and the experience was completely different. My wife has felt that the visits have gone very well with useful information coming from the therapist, even though most of it is the same things that the psychologist was saying. It was just now she was willing to listen and try.
I have been trying to address some of the valid issues my wife had with me and she has made some attempt to do the same. We have also been fortunate that some of the external issues that were impacting us have eased. I’ll try to check back in when I have some more insight that may be helpful.
I don't recall...was it your W that had a drinking problem too???...
If so how is that going...
Sounds like you are doing well...even being back together you still need to GAL...it is just healthier that way if we have our own time for things that interest us...time to share with the family...and time as a couple...
What were your W's major complaints? I forgot what got you there. I do remember you were pretty down during this time. My W. is far to stubborn and has to be 100% correct all the time. I don't see her ever "facing" anything. It's been 8 months. I really think she has some serious issues. She can't even be human.
What were your W's major complaints? I forgot what got you there. I do remember you were pretty down during this time. My W. is far to stubborn and has to be 100% correct all the time. I don't see her ever "facing" anything. It's been 8 months. I really think she has some serious issues. She can't even be human.
What were your W's major complaints? I forgot what got you there. I do remember you were pretty down during this time. My W. is far to stubborn and has to be 100% correct all the time. I don't see her ever "facing" anything. It's been 8 months. I really think she has some serious issues. She can't even be human.
My wife and I have been back together for two months. Overall things have gone OK. I have been trying to work on the issues my wife had with me. Primarily that I have been dealing with depression for the last few years, this was her major gripe against me. I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 months now. It has helped some. I have not taken drugs (ie Prozac etc.) to do so would compromise my job and probably make me more depressed. I came close to going on the meds but did not. Some other issues she had with me were I was messy and did not do my share of cleaning around the house. I did not dress well enough for her and spent too much time with my hobbies (mostly gardening). I have been trying to address all those issues. And the changes seemed to be appreciated.
My wife’s issues that needed addressed were primarily substance abuse (alcohol and prescription meds) and irresponsible financial behavior. She seemed to be trying. The alcohol remains; she was hammered for my son’s piano recital. She was able to pull it together enough to go and not fall down. My psychologist has told me that getting substance abuse problems under control is never a straight line and most have relapses. As long as she does not endanger our son, herself, or others I can accept that road is going to be rocky. I thought the financial responsibility issue was coming along until today. I had received a substantial lump sum payment from my employer recently and my wife and I had agreed on how much would be, “mad money” for each of us to spend as we pleased.
Well my wife went through it with one purchase, she wanted a sterling silver flatware set, over $4,000. She needed my help to purchase it (ebay), and I spent a couple of hours today running around getting the cash and turning it into money orders to send to the seller. She seemed quite happy. Then a little after noon I got a call from her. She was in a car dealer and wanted me to say it was OK for her to trade in her 2002 vehicle which is in perfect shape for a new car and wanted another $17,000 to do it. I was floored. I told her to tell them no deal. Later when she got home the air between us was tense, something, especially the last few weeks that has not been a factor. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk it over using the technique her/our couple counselor had suggested for difficult issues. Each of us present our position, then step back and consider your partners viewpoint, try to see it through your partner’s eyes. So we sat down and I talked about how much money was available, what debts we still had, my desire to eliminate the debts, I did not say no just wait until the fall or early next year. She presented her side by showing me a picture and saying how cute the car was. And that was it.
After this she was visibly disappointed and upset. She has had little to say to me the rest of the night and would not kiss me on the lips goodnight.
There has been no yelling or fighting but things are simmering. She is upset because I did not just roll over and agree and I’m upset over her lack of self control and what I perceive as being ungrateful.
That’s what is going on tonight.
When my wife and I separated, she initiated the break up, she demanded I move out, and threw out the divorce word. I let her hate and venom roll off my back. I, “took one for the team”, so to say until my wife seemed to regain her sense and realize how painful a divorce would be and wanted to get back together. I was the one who wanted to save the marriage.
Now, here I am, with negative thoughts running through my mind. And they are my thoughts. I am thinking, Is this right? Am I a shmuck? Will she ever be satisfied or will I spend the rest of my life working to buy her stuff? Those are my thoughts and they are negative.
On the positive side, my son is happy again since my wife and I are not separated. Most days have been at least OK if not good.
So this is where I am at, lots of mixed up feelings, venting. Few things in life are easy are they?
