I’m going through basically the same thing except it’s my wife that is having the affair. What I have learned here is it is on about 10% the other person, 90 % the husband or wife’s decision. So you can’t really blame the other person. I can’t give ya much advice yet because I too am going through this and I just started trying things out. I will keep updating my post (trying to hold out). With what I have done, what worked and what didn’t.
Don’t feel bad about not having many friends. My only and best friend is my 10 year old son.
Husband
Me-49 W-53 m-18 yrs S-10 D 23 Previous marriage D25 Previous marriage
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
LMBF, Have some faith in yourself. You can handle this. You can handle whatever happens.
Accept the crisis. Don't fight it. Don't run away from your pain. Don't try to escape the emotions. You won't break. You'll begin to realize how strong you are, and that nothing can break you--including your H.
Are there support groups for separated persons nearby? It would help to not go thru this alone. Increase your connections. Build a support network. You want the positives in your life to be larger than the problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
there are not any support groups in my town but i am starting IC this month. i have tried to get my h to go to MC with me but he wouldn't and now that he is gone i know that is surely not going to happen so i am doing this for me and my kids. my h started texting and calling me about midnight last night and i am putting a stop to that today. if he wants to talk he has several hours during the day. but one of his texts did say that it was wierd not hearing my voice for two days. i do not call or text him unless i have to, other than that i let him initiate the contact. i would love anyones suggestions on this. and to the person husband that is going through this i feel for u to. let me know what does and does not work for u.
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
You need to focus on yourself. Use this opportunity to work on losing that weight (not for your husband, but for YOU, for your kids, for your health!!!). You'll feel so much better about yourself. Work on making some friends, meet other moms when you take the kids to the park or other places, go to church and join some social groups (look for a church that has lots of social groups), join a walking group or gym and meet others there.
Do you have any family members who can help with babysitting so you can get out once in awhile? Maybe arrange for your husband to take the kids once in awhile so you can go out to events, movies, etc...
Avoid any divorce talk with your husband. If he brings it up just try to steer the conversation elsewhere and don't agree with anything financial or otherwise. Just say, I'll have to think about that. In the meantime, do a little divorce research so you are prepared if things go that direction. It doesn't hurt to ask others for names of good attorneys and keep that information hidden somewhere so your husband doesn't know about it. Find the best attorney possible and keep it in case necessary. Hopefully, it won't be necessary, but it never hurts to be prepared for anything.
More than likely this affair will burn out. I have a feeling trophy girl is just enjoying the attention of an older man and is building your husband up to be some kind of knight in shining armor. The whole thing is a fantasy for both of them and more than likely the relationship won't last. Avoid OW. Don't talk to her. Just focus on YOU.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thanks running out of time everyone keeps telling me that it wont last and i keep trying to tell myself that but it does help when other people tell me. my family live an hour and a half away. we just moved to the area about 3 months ago due to my husbands job and we bought a house. so i don't really know anyone here. my h is not even spending anytime with the boys. he will come to the house and be here for about 30 min but he does not spend anytime with them. besides he wont spend any money on the kids bc he wont have any money to spend on the ow.he tells me he is always broke but he takes her out to eat and to the movies. but i cant think about that it does not do any good other than making me mad and depressed. what drives me nuts is i feel like me and the kids are paying the price for his decisions. is there anyone else in this situation and how do u handle it?
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
Hummmm... well you do need to protect yourself and your kids financialy regardless of where your husband is in this whole thing. I'm not familiar with your state's divorce laws, but I suggest you start looking into them (and don't let your husband know anything about this).
You do need to talk to a lawyer (or a few) and be prepared..... that doesn't mean a divorce will occur, it means you are protecting yourself and more importantly your kids. You need to find out your state's laws on child support and alimony. Start documenting how much time your husband spends with the kids. You may need these records some day. Do you work? Also, in your state how is alimony determined? I know here in California it is based on percentage earned and there's also "standard of living." If the standard of living is something in your state, be careful that your husband isn't putting a noose on your personal spending. It may be he wants to show that you and the kids can "live on nothing" to insure a low alimony.
My husband was very controlling with money during the separation and divorce, but because I realized this, I documented everything and what I couldn't afford on my own salary got added on to the credit card.
Of course, that wasn't a pleasant thing. We did go into a lot of debt and unfortunately that's unavoidable in situations like this. I figured OW cost us around 20K (6 months of divorce proceedings... and we weren't even close to being done!!! The expense of maintaining two households, etc...)
During that time I also gave my husband list of expenses weekly and asked for reembursement. For awhile he could afford this, but eventually he became overwhelmed with it all.
Try not to worry about your husband, and what he's doing or not doing. Just start focusing in on you and your children... and 180s for your my dear! Expect him to be mean, rude and ugly as long as he's with the trophy thing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thanks runningoutoftime but i have had a consultation with a lawyer. matter of fact my husband found out and got so upset. he knows that if we go through lawyers he will loose everything. he keeps asking me why should he leave everything just bc he is leaving and i keep telling him he is not, he is throwing it away. he wants us to come up with the terms on everything and just let my lawyer do the paperwork. he has not gotten a lawyer. i don't know what to do right now but i know that i am tired of the arguing and my main concern is me and the kids while his only concern is him and the ow or at least that is how i feel. everyone keeps telling me that it will end with the ow and i wish it would hurry up and happen. that way my husband can really figure out what he wants but i don't want him coming back just bc she is gone and i am here. i want him back bc he realizes that he really wants to be with me and the kids. kinda like you don't realize what you have until its gone.
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
I know exactly what you are saying about wanting your husband to be with you because he really wants to be and not because he has "lost" OW. But situations, feelings and relationships can change dramatically. That's where changing yourself comes in. You need to be the woman he originally fell in love with and married. And again, do that for you, not for him.
Until things cool down with the affair, your husband probably won't be able to appreciate what he has lost. And unfortunately, the affair may take a lot of time. According to books on this, the average is about 6 months... but, of course, some are shorter and others longer.
You sound like a very nice person. Do NOT let that niceness keep you from getting exactly what you are entitled to (and anything extra!!! Your kids will need it!!!! It's for THEM).
Do not argue or discuss any divorce details with your husband. If he says anything about this tell him to write down what he wants and either leave it at the house or send it in the mail. Do not agree to anything and change the subject when he wants to bring it up or tell him to just write it down. Tell him you need it in writing and time to go over it and think about it. If you need to discuss divorce details with anyone ONLY talk with a lawyer. Also, drag your heels on everything. Be BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!! (Running, working out, weight training, etc...).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It's all fun and games now for them but I wonder what's going to happen when the 19yr old realizes she is getting into a ready made family. With a son 6 years her junior My sitch is a little different because we are still living in the same house but she continues to call him several times a day. He fortunately for me lives out of state so I look at it as it’s my home game in this situation. All he can do is talk, I can show her a good time. It’s hard to not think about the other person. But you have to remember something else was the problem. If our spouses were Happy they would not have sent seeking someone. You are doing the right but as I know the hardest thing but Not contacting them unless necessary, this is hard for me. Sometimes I’d like to call just to see how my W day is going. But I think that the less I contact her more something will be missing. Take care of yourself. One of the first things I did was have a front tooth fixed. It has bothered me for years but I always put it off because other things were more important... I dress nicer now and I think she might be noticing. Like I said for me he is just a voice on the phone. But I’m here in living color.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
i am so amazed at the advice that everyone is able to give. i keep trying to take it day by day. expecting for each day to get easier but that isn't happening yet. some days seem worse than the one before. i just keep reading the advice from everyone and it seems to help when i am at my worst. my family and you guys are the only reasons that i am doing as well as i am. my dad keeps telling me to have faith that in the end that my marriage will work but heavenly father is going to do it on his time and not mine. sometimes i begin to lose hope that my marriage is gone for good but after the responses that you guys have and other peoples experiences it is easy to get that hope back and i really do appreciate that.
me-30 h-38 m-11 yrs s-6 s-7 ss-13 h left-april 21,2007 found out of ea april 1, 2007
