W moving out & says that it's permanent - Part 2

[12_51]

I think she has moved out of the house by now. Had friends there yesterday helping her. She said she wanted to get it cleaned up for me.... nice but not what I wanted.

I'm depressed and very angry. I think I really hate her right now. I'm trying!!!! I'm trying everthing I can to fight for her, but I think that I'm about at the point of hating her.

She wants to "be friends" after it's all done. Friends don't do this to each other. If she was realy my friend, she'd be more forgiving.

When you get married you make promises to love --- always. Vows were exchanged. Why doesn't she honor her vow??? She's had EA's and I've forgiven her. Why can't she recgonize that I LOVE HER and don't want this to end.

I just hate her for doing this to me..... Why did I ever get married in the first place. I just want to scream!!!!!

[NOPkins]

Hi, 12_51.

Quote:
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She wants to "be friends" after it's all done. Friends don't do this to each other. If she was realy my friend, she'd be more forgiving.
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She just wants you to allay her guilt. You might consider telling her the following.

"Wife, I have no intention of being your friend outside of our marriage. Don't expect me to validate your destruction of our marriage by pretending to be your friend. Friends don't do that to each other."

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Jen_Jam]

So - she wants to be "friends". Yep - let me rip your heart right out of your chest and you can still like me for it.

But I'd advocate just saying "we'll see" to that - a nice vague answer, not a threat, just vague.
Or something along the lines of "I cannot promise you anything, sorry much as I'd like to say yes we will be friends I cannot guarantee it". Your WAW cannot guarantee YOU anything right now, so it's fair she accepts the same from you.

[Heywyre]

However, that same phrase can also have the reverse effect on someone. When my H was pretty much adament that we were splitting, I said "will you still be my friend?" and things started changing from that point forward.

We still have a long, long way to go but he still brings what I said up and tells me how he really had to look at things differently when I said that.

So it can have the reverse effect too, I guess it just depends on who says it

[NOPkins]

Hi, HeyWyre.

The reason I recommended it in his case was to remove some confidence she was abusing in order to placate her guilt.

-NOPkins-

[12_51]

Thanks for the comments & suggestions.

At this point I don't know if I even want to be her husband or her friend. I really thought that she'd quit this just before moving. I can't believe she has actually moved out. I know that I haven't been the perfect husband, but I didn't walk out. I didn't end it. She hasn't been perfect either. I never walk out. I never quit. She quit -- I can't stand that. She distroyed our marriage.

Part of me does want her back, but part of me questions if I could ever trust her again. Part of me just wants to move on and tell her to just go to hell.

Should I be feeling this way? Is this normal?

I don't think I'm going to talk with her for a while. If she calls I'll just let it go to voice mail. Then decide if I want to call her back or not. I can always control myself, but right now I might say something really mean and hateful.

I think she's really going to divorce me... I just hate her.

[Greeneyedlass]

12_51,

Did you ever go search out CSW's threads?

[12_51]

I have read part of CSW's threads starting at the beginning. Still need to read the rest of them.

[12_51]

GEL,

Is there a section of CSW's thread that you think is important from me to read right now?


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I just got an email from my wife:

Good Morning,

Just wanted you to know that I have gotten most of my items out. My closet still has a few things and if you find any odds and ends just put them in there.
I tried to clean up for you, but it's not the greatest....I ran out of time. I washed the sheets and they are in the dryer for you to put on tonight. You have fresh towels in both bathrooms. The sheets for the front bed are in the wash right now and need to be dried.

Re: the Cats
I ran out of cat food this morning, so you'll need to get some or I can stop and get some and then bring it by. The cat boxes were changed on Saturday. I bought more litter and liners...they're in the garage. {Cat2} seems to be very needy lately but if you just love on him a little he calms right down. I think {Cat1} is loosing his hearing, but seems to be doing well and {Cat3}...well she's just as fat and cute as ever.

I miss my puppy and I hate that he doesn't seem to know me...but I'm glad he's with you where he's the happiest.

I hope you are doing well and I'm glad that you'll be able to move back home before your parents get back.

Take care,

{WIFE}


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I am so sad and mad both. It seems so final. Should I respond to her email? Should I call her?

I think I might not respond. I dread going back into my house today. This is so painful. Why does it have to be this way??

[fearless]

12_51,

I am so sorry because I have a pretty good idea how you feel right now.

My advice for you as far as the e-mail is that no response is needed. There were no questions that needed answered so let it go. My friend had a similar end to her marriage and a similar issue with her XH talking about how much he misses their dogs. He seems totally clueless to the fact of how much that hurts my friend to hear. He even still calls my friend by the pet name he used in the marriage. Her XH and I have been very good friends also and I STILL wonder when he is going to wake up.

As far as the friendship issue, I basically agree with Nops and others. I wouldn't refuse her friendship or act angry but seriously I think most people understand that friendship is painful in these circumstances.

My advice for the time being would be the same whether you want her back or not. Just leave her alone. You do not have to "move on" right now or buckle down to win her back. Do not get stuck thinking you have to do one or the other right now - you don't. Just take some time for yourself and keep focused on the improvements you want to make for yourself.

Oh and vent all your emotions - positive or negative here or with friends and not to your wife. It will be good for her to see you as a rock throughout all of this and also for her not to be able to read your emotions. Since her e-mail was open ended with no specific point, you should just leave it alone. If she asks you direct questions in an e-mail, the respond to the questions only. No casual chit chat - even about the animals IMO.

Good Luck. This is not fun but as someone who went through this and has watched others go through it; you will be okay!!