Thanks Heywyre. I guess after last week I was just excited about us again, a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. After she told me pretty much everything I wanted to hear some of my walls that I have built have come down. I think I'm just going to take the rest of this month and re-evaluate my life in general. If I should be fighting this hard, if I really want to stay in this city, and what kind of person I want to be with.
Obliviously, the last is going to be the hardest for me. Not too long ago it was an easy choice, all I had to do was think of her and that’s what I wanted, but I'm tired. The only thing in my life that is missing is happiness now, and I know she can give that too me, that is if she wants too. She gave that too me for a long time, and now it seems like she isn’t intentionally. I'm not a big believer in Karma or anything, but I just feel that I do so much for her, and she hasn't given me much back in a long while.
I was privileged today that I got to hear the Dali Lama speak. Needless to say my problems seem small compared with how he is. Its amazing how happy he can be, with all that he has been through. I thought that seeing and listening to him would make me feel better, but it only made me feel worse. Not about what he said or anything. But because I saw this friend of mine, who has been dating this guy for a couple years. My gf and I introduced them, well they told me today that they are engaged. I am excited for them, but it also broke my heart. As I sat there listening, I was looking around and saw all these young couples so much in love and some with children. A big part of me wants that. My mother has been suffering with breast cancer, and I’m not sure if that has been a reason in my life to always live everyday to the fullest or not. She was a young mom, which was great because I got to be extremely close with my grandparents as well. But with how my life is now, I know I’m not living it the way I should be, and that kills me. Why won’t she just show me the respect that I have always shown her. I feel that for everything I have done for her, there are so many that would love to have someone like me, but I don’t want them, I want her. Please have me in your thoughts the next couple weeks, thank you.
