Whore/Madonna

[Heywyre]

Well, to make a long, long story a little shorter, I still feel I came out on top. Mainly because I stood my ground and faced a REAL difficult situation (the threat of separating for good).

Here's how it went down (Reader's Digest version of course)

We were having a nice barbequed meal, sipping on a beer and just enjoying the surroundings and general conversation. H mentioned something about the C's appointment he had on Monday (tomorrow) and I thought "hmmm, good timing to bring up the subject again" and I calmed, but assertively, brought it up again. IMMEDIATELY, he got aggressive and defensive about it which threw up more red flags for me. We went back and forth for I don't know how long with him saying "I will do it, don't demand WHEN I should do it". With my reply being, "if you cared about US, if you cared about ME, you would have already DONE IT". So we continued on for at least a half an hour this way, with different versions of what was said above, but basically the same. I told him he was selfish and maybe it was time he came down from that pedestal he's put himself on (something I have NEVER said to him before). He thinks he is so humble and passive (ya right). That got him going for sure.

I could see what was being said was just pushing him further and further away from dealing with it so I took another (VERY bold) approach and figured "here goes". I had to call his bluff.

Everytime things get a little too close for comfort he uses the whole "if we aren't together down the road" line and I am sick and tired of hearing it. Either we are in this for the fight or we aren't. DON'T keep threatening me with that line because I will take you up on it, rest assured! So when he said it, I said "fine, if that's the way you want it, let's deal with it right now". He looked a little shocked and said, "that's not the way I want it but you keep pushing me". I said, "I am not pushing you, YOU are avoiding dealing with and have been right from day one. You say we are working on this but it is ME that is doing all the work, ME that is putting YOU first, ME that is putting my needs aside to make sure YOURS are taken care of. What are YOU doing for ME? Nothing!! You take a nap, cut the grass, spend 2 hours on the phone locating Jeep parts, everything you can think of except what is important to me. All it will take is 5 lousy minutes of your time to help me to start healing and you won't do it. All that tells me is "I don't care enough about you to give you 5 minutes". I know it will put you in a uncomfortable position but let me tell you something, I have been in a VERY uncomfortable position for the last 5 months and I am tired of being there. It's time to fix ME, so you are on your own."

The response - "what do you mean by that?"

I said, "just what it sounds like. Let me know what the balance is in the chequeing and savings accounts and I will let you know what your portion of expenses".

He looked at me in disbelief and said "I don't have them up to date" - my response "well get them up to date and let me know as close as possible and we can figure the rest out later".

So, now he's starting to wonder a little here. I am actually rifling through his desk, trying to find things, his budget sheets he keeps etc. and I find them and go upstairs.

He doesn't say a word and just lays on the couch. I come downstairs about 10-15 minutes later, hand him a piece of paper and calmly say "I've divided everything equally and here's your portion, we can decide later who gets what in the house and when we are putting it up for sale. As for groceries and personal expenses, you are on your own as am I."

He takes the paper, looks at it and says "I can't afford this" and I say, "that's not my problem, they're your expenses."

He says, "for instance, how come I have to pay the whole insurance policy premium" and I say, "because it's YOUR insurance policy and you're lucky I'm not asking for half, so YOU are the one that will benefit since I have been paying half of it for the past 13 years. However, I will expect to get more out of the sale of the house because of my accident settlement which was to compensate me for loss of future wages, which I will need". He says, "how is that fair, we've used it to put towards the mortgage". My response, "well, I guess we'll just have to take it out won't we? It's my settlement money and I'll need it to survive. You can have whatever money you get from yours." (which won't be all that much)

So now he's getting nervous and says "but I don't want to move". I say, "fine buy me out and you can stay here"

him - "but I can't afford to"
me - "then get roommates"
him - "but I don't want roommates - I want you to stay here with me".

Oh really? Then why are you treating me like this ...

I could go on, but you get the general idea. I slowly broke him down to the point where he admitted that he didn't trust women, that it had been hard for him to accept I wouldn't use things against him in the future, i.e. personal information I had about him because "they all did it in the past".

I said, "well, they aren't ME. How many years do we have to be married, how much unconditional love do I have to show you, how much hurt and pain do you have to put me through before you will start learning to let go and trust again? I didn't hurt you, you have no right to do what you are doing to me."

He agreed and said that he would call Monday about the cell bill, and if he misses the cut off, he will have them back date it so it will be available to me the following month. Then he asked if he could have a hug, and I said "it will cost you $7.50". He sheepishly laughed and told me (for the VERY FIRST time EVER) that he was feeling a little vulnerable. I didn't know if he was BSing me or just playing a game, but he really meant it and said, he never felt like that before. He also told me for the very first time he didn't feel angry, mad or bitter (like he used to after having disagreements in other relationships) He said "I love you, I want to be with you forever but I'm scared. I'm scared you will leave - whether it be just because you've had enough or that you might die".

I said, "so are you going to deny yourself the best R you've ever had because of fear? He said "Just lately I've finally began to see what love really is, and its because of you, you have shown me what unconditional love is - Please, let's keep working to make this better?"

He is NOT off the hook yet but I do feel we have made a little baby step forward. I will keep pressuring him no matter what. I am hoping when I come home tomorrow he will just tell me "I called the call company and it's been taken care of" then I can move forward, until that's done I won't rest.

Amazingly enough, for the rest of the evening it was peaceful (as opposed to tension like in the past after a disagreement like that). A couple of times he made comments about something we needed to pick up or purchase and we joked about it, asking who's half it was going to come out of.

I think we are going to be okay but, like I said, I will not rest. In the meantime, I am of the opinion there might not be anything on the bill of importance, but I won't jump to that conclusion too quickly here.

I think for the time being, I have vented enough - lol