It's been my experience in the past with my H that when he wants to hide things...he'll procrastinate. As you've said...when it's important to him, he'll jump right on it and do whatever needs to be done. However, when it's something "I" want...or something he doesn't really want to do...he'll find every excuse in the book (usually lame ones.)
The way I view this is YOU have to take control of YOUR life. If receiving this information is important to you, then don't put the control of receiving it in his hands...or you'll be waiting forever. This is taking control of YOUR life, even if he considers it "controlling him". That is why I say either hand him the phone, or you make the call yourself. If you aren't listed on the account as someone who can make changes...you should be.
I am DEFINITELY not listed on the account as someone that could make the changes otherwise they would have been done already and I would have been monitoring them up to date. As it was, I took semi-illegal means to find out the information the first time around by setting up an account under his name etc. with the company thinking it was him
He is currently sleeping but as soon as he gets up, as much as he will use whatever excuse he can to avoid it, I will be addressing it once again (for the second time today) and it is just something he will have to face now, no more putting it off. They are closed tomorrow so if he doesn't handle it today, then it will wait until Monday, I will be at work - you know the rest - delay, delay, delay, until the billing period has lapsed and "how convenient" I can't access that particular day now. It ain't gonna happen baby!
Yes, his avoidance makes me wonder all the more what he is trying to hide and I would love nothing more than for him to prove me wrong. I am sure there will be something on there that he will have a great answer (excuse) for but he is going to have to face the music, like it or not.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well, to make a long, long story a little shorter, I still feel I came out on top. Mainly because I stood my ground and faced a REAL difficult situation (the threat of separating for good).
Here's how it went down (Reader's Digest version of course)
We were having a nice barbequed meal, sipping on a beer and just enjoying the surroundings and general conversation. H mentioned something about the C's appointment he had on Monday (tomorrow) and I thought "hmmm, good timing to bring up the subject again" and I calmed, but assertively, brought it up again. IMMEDIATELY, he got aggressive and defensive about it which threw up more red flags for me. We went back and forth for I don't know how long with him saying "I will do it, don't demand WHEN I should do it". With my reply being, "if you cared about US, if you cared about ME, you would have already DONE IT". So we continued on for at least a half an hour this way, with different versions of what was said above, but basically the same. I told him he was selfish and maybe it was time he came down from that pedestal he's put himself on (something I have NEVER said to him before). He thinks he is so humble and passive (ya right). That got him going for sure.
I could see what was being said was just pushing him further and further away from dealing with it so I took another (VERY bold) approach and figured "here goes". I had to call his bluff.
Everytime things get a little too close for comfort he uses the whole "if we aren't together down the road" line and I am sick and tired of hearing it. Either we are in this for the fight or we aren't. DON'T keep threatening me with that line because I will take you up on it, rest assured! So when he said it, I said "fine, if that's the way you want it, let's deal with it right now". He looked a little shocked and said, "that's not the way I want it but you keep pushing me". I said, "I am not pushing you, YOU are avoiding dealing with and have been right from day one. You say we are working on this but it is ME that is doing all the work, ME that is putting YOU first, ME that is putting my needs aside to make sure YOURS are taken care of. What are YOU doing for ME? Nothing!! You take a nap, cut the grass, spend 2 hours on the phone locating Jeep parts, everything you can think of except what is important to me. All it will take is 5 lousy minutes of your time to help me to start healing and you won't do it. All that tells me is "I don't care enough about you to give you 5 minutes". I know it will put you in a uncomfortable position but let me tell you something, I have been in a VERY uncomfortable position for the last 5 months and I am tired of being there. It's time to fix ME, so you are on your own."
The response - "what do you mean by that?"
I said, "just what it sounds like. Let me know what the balance is in the chequeing and savings accounts and I will let you know what your portion of expenses".
He looked at me in disbelief and said "I don't have them up to date" - my response "well get them up to date and let me know as close as possible and we can figure the rest out later".
So, now he's starting to wonder a little here. I am actually rifling through his desk, trying to find things, his budget sheets he keeps etc. and I find them and go upstairs.
He doesn't say a word and just lays on the couch. I come downstairs about 10-15 minutes later, hand him a piece of paper and calmly say "I've divided everything equally and here's your portion, we can decide later who gets what in the house and when we are putting it up for sale. As for groceries and personal expenses, you are on your own as am I."
He takes the paper, looks at it and says "I can't afford this" and I say, "that's not my problem, they're your expenses."
He says, "for instance, how come I have to pay the whole insurance policy premium" and I say, "because it's YOUR insurance policy and you're lucky I'm not asking for half, so YOU are the one that will benefit since I have been paying half of it for the past 13 years. However, I will expect to get more out of the sale of the house because of my accident settlement which was to compensate me for loss of future wages, which I will need". He says, "how is that fair, we've used it to put towards the mortgage". My response, "well, I guess we'll just have to take it out won't we? It's my settlement money and I'll need it to survive. You can have whatever money you get from yours." (which won't be all that much)
So now he's getting nervous and says "but I don't want to move". I say, "fine buy me out and you can stay here"
him - "but I can't afford to" me - "then get roommates" him - "but I don't want roommates - I want you to stay here with me".
Oh really? Then why are you treating me like this ...
I could go on, but you get the general idea. I slowly broke him down to the point where he admitted that he didn't trust women, that it had been hard for him to accept I wouldn't use things against him in the future, i.e. personal information I had about him because "they all did it in the past".
I said, "well, they aren't ME. How many years do we have to be married, how much unconditional love do I have to show you, how much hurt and pain do you have to put me through before you will start learning to let go and trust again? I didn't hurt you, you have no right to do what you are doing to me."
He agreed and said that he would call Monday about the cell bill, and if he misses the cut off, he will have them back date it so it will be available to me the following month. Then he asked if he could have a hug, and I said "it will cost you $7.50". He sheepishly laughed and told me (for the VERY FIRST time EVER) that he was feeling a little vulnerable. I didn't know if he was BSing me or just playing a game, but he really meant it and said, he never felt like that before. He also told me for the very first time he didn't feel angry, mad or bitter (like he used to after having disagreements in other relationships) He said "I love you, I want to be with you forever but I'm scared. I'm scared you will leave - whether it be just because you've had enough or that you might die".
I said, "so are you going to deny yourself the best R you've ever had because of fear? He said "Just lately I've finally began to see what love really is, and its because of you, you have shown me what unconditional love is - Please, let's keep working to make this better?"
He is NOT off the hook yet but I do feel we have made a little baby step forward. I will keep pressuring him no matter what. I am hoping when I come home tomorrow he will just tell me "I called the call company and it's been taken care of" then I can move forward, until that's done I won't rest.
Amazingly enough, for the rest of the evening it was peaceful (as opposed to tension like in the past after a disagreement like that). A couple of times he made comments about something we needed to pick up or purchase and we joked about it, asking who's half it was going to come out of.
I think we are going to be okay but, like I said, I will not rest. In the meantime, I am of the opinion there might not be anything on the bill of importance, but I won't jump to that conclusion too quickly here.
I think for the time being, I have vented enough - lol
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
My H ALSO tried to use the excuse that the women from his past would use info against him...and therefore he wouldn't let himself trust me. I also had to point out to him, pretty much the same way you did...that he was punishing ME because of other women's past behaviors and judging how I would behave/react on them...with no basis for it from my own behaviors.
You ARE breaking down that resolve of his. He IS seeing now that you are SERIOUS. As I told my H, and I told you....they sabotage a good thing, and it's their own doing. You have to point it out to them though and let them see that you are SERIOUS about the consequences and really put them at the brink of it (with you being serious about following-through) before they see it.
He may not have picked up the phone then and there (he may not have been able to) BUT...he did let that wall down some and that's a victory for you. Just be aware (and I believe you are) that this is probably not going to be the last time you will have to address this. Hopefully Monday he won't come up with some "excuse" and will follow through, just don't be surprised if he doesn't.
I know this might not be the last of it, but I DO know that I will not let it rest until it is taken care of. I would love nothing more than to NOT have to remind him tomorrow but if it is not forthcoming from him, then he will be reminded AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
However, today was another breakthrough of sorts. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk along the river, it was wonderful.
Then when we got back we did some yard and garden work - something we have always enjoyed doing together. When we came into the house he came up to me, put his arms around me and said "I am VERY content with my life and I hope one day soon, you will be too". I said, "I hope so too, but it's going to take some time" - he agreed and told me ILY
I hope he doesn't blow it tomorrow by not following through but I think he realizes now that he is playing a very dangerous game and he is NOT going to win this one - but we won't tell him that now, will we?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
He asked if I wanted to go for a walk along the river, it was wonderful.
He didn't push you in the river and try to drown you? I guess not. You are still posting. Just kidding Heywyre.
I like LIY stories.
FWIW, sometimes I get stuck and don't do some simple things (like making phone calls) so if you have to remind him it might be because he has sticking points, not that he is hiding something.
My W does the same thing. Delays and delays. won't call some people. Makes up imaginary reasons and problems. Sheesh. No wonder I have almost white hair.
Hi Lou - you are right, I am sure he doesn't think about winning at all. He is just doing what he does best - nothing!
Some times he can be the most organized man on the face of the earth and at other times, procrastination at its best.
And I know its somewhat of a "man thing" but please, give me a break. I think I have been MORE than patient and all I am asking for here is a little cooperation and ONE LOUSEY PHONE CALL - however, I do know that phone call to him is more about him losing his "control" rather than taking 5 minutes to make it.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
thank you - my dear board friends.
