Matilda, your H has a responsibility to care for D16,so have him. You are entitled to time also and he needs to understand that.(and if his comings and goings get a damper put on them) OH WELL
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
This is a long road, sometimes the pavement is smooth and other times you cannot move an inch without hitting a pothole. But in the end with or without our S the road will lead us to a place where we are much stronger, confident, and better people.
Take Care, -EmtnRllrCstr
Wise words!!! I have printed this to remind myself on a daily basis. The other important thing I need to remember is dropping the rope. I never quite understood what that meant until I read about dropping the rope when you are water skiing.
I agree that you deserve to have time to yourself--H is D16's parent, and he needs to shoulder that responsibility regardless of your R. So how will you word that? It needs to be in a way that is nonconfrontational but firm. I think making D16 the focus is the way to go there.
Re. the date--I don't think I'd remind him unless it came up naturally in conversation. Then be playful with it.
he needs to shoulder that responsibility regardless of your R. So how will you word that?
Any specific ideas? Only thing that I have said so far is, "D16 would LOVE to spend some time with you on the boat". He then asked if I wanted to go, too, and I said I thought it would be good if they had some time alone together.
I think that sounds good. How about something like, "H, I've noticed that D16 really misses you. She needs some quality daddy-daughter time. I'm going to be out on (days). Why don't you guys have dinner together? I'll be home around (time)."
How does that sound? Anyone else out there have ideas?
Talked to H briefly yesterday and he implied that he'd call to take me out on the boat today. He knew D16 had plans. I was pleased that maybe he wasn't taking FF flying after all. By 11 I hadn't heard from him, so my mind went back to his plans. I jumped in the car and drove to the little airport. I just wanted to see if his car was there. My timing would be such that I wouldn't see him. No confrontation planned! His car wasn't there. Started to go to the boat and then drove home instead. Stopped by the grocery store to get something healthy to eat. I have only cooked 2 meals since H left. That is not good for either D16 or me, I know! Maybe H will be here at dinner time. He might like a home cooked meal, too.
Had a message from H when I walked in the door! He had called about the time I was pulling out of the driveway. Weather wasn't so great for the boat ride, but he said he might stop by later. I will hurry and do some cleaning so house will look decent if he really does come over.
Almost sent him email with two of Michelle's articles: one on spending time together and the Marriage Map. Maybe another time. Just wanted to give him a different point of view besides the separation that he feels he needs.
Matilda, By sending the articles you are appearing not to be dropping the rope(chasing that is), it is a good thing you did not.
You are right as you said on my thread we need to get a LIFE. You have to make him do the chaseing let him seee what he is missing.
I do go out and do things without H and i do have a good time and he does wonder what i am up to also .(i think it does him some good to wonder).We live together and have not separated so it is hard to detach to much, but i do try and it does help when i can.(even if i just make sure im'e not in the same room all of the time). You are very right it is so hard and the emotions go from one end to the other but we have to keep on doing the best job we can for us and in the end i know i (and we) will be better people for the pain they have put us through. jak
Last edited by jak58; 05/06/0711:47 AM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I have been reading your post and see you were married almost 30 years. I have been married 25 years. It is so hard to pick yourself up and detach. Good job on not sending the articles. You sound alot like me in the fact oh he is coming home I will clean up and look nice. My H finally notice yesterday when he came home (you will have to read my post to e get the full drama) that my hair is lnoger than it used to be. It has been this way for 3 months and he jsut noticed and I have saw him every week. That's how much he noticed....
Your H does need to take you youngest D and do things. I don't think they realize how fast they grow up and grow away from them. My boys don't like what their dad is doing and it has put a barrier up but then H still wants them to be close and doesn't understand why they don't come by and call as much. They do not agree with him.
I have to go to work but wanted to give you some support and to hang in there. It is tough being with someone all these years and having to go thru this who would have ever thought. WE WILL MAKE IT!!!!!
H did come by and pick up D16 today. Weather wasn't good for a boat ride so they went to a movie instead. I had planned to be gone when he got here, but he came 1 1/2 hours early. I made sure I wasn't home when he dropped her off, though.
I've been listening to the DivorceCare cds. So far they make me feel normal (feeling angry, lonely, etc, etc). He doesn't appear to miss me yet. I figure he'll be happy on the boat until winter rolls around. I am not ready to push in any direction, but I would like things settled before school starts next fall.
