18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

Journaling...

How does H do it? How does he go from what seemed (to me) to be a pretty darn good life - to leaving his wife, his son, the life we built together - for what? - a group of friends he can identify with for their interest in Goth and the Ow who is someone who could be with a married man with a young child. He's lost the respect of so many people, I'm sure he still lives with guilt and shame (although he hides it well), his work life has been unsteady in the last 18 mos., he's missing all the little wonderful things our S4.5 does and says, he lives in a tiny place (w/ or w/out Ow??), he looks like crap and has had more health issues in the past 18 mos than in the entire time we were together. It just keeps going.

My T says there's no making sense of it. I analyze and I analyze it all and all I can come up with is H is having a delayed adolescence and he's addicted to the drug of this covert lifestyle. He's finally doing something "against" his parents, although he would never see it that way. He idolizes them. Yet he resents them for being so "perfect" and clearly rejects their incredibly responsible and family-oriented lifestyle.

I wonder if he ever misses me and our (family) life together. I loved it, and I loved him. I miss his friendship most of all. I miss how kind and sensitive he was, he treated me so well. But he broke under the pressure of having a child and making some tough decisions.Instead of turning to me he turned away.

I'll always regret that our marriage failed. I don't know how long it will take for me to feel like I could fall in love again, it seems so far off. My friends all encourage me to get out and meet someone but I just don't feel ready. I could go on a casual date but I won't feel available for anything more until I'm divorced. I'm not religious about it, I just feel it would be a mistake to start something new before I was completely done with the old.

Will I ever get over my H? Will I ever accept with peace that this has all happened? Will i ever be able to forgive him?

I pray I can move past the anger and resentment someday, it's exhausting and painful.

that's it for now...