Husband, You can try having a R talk with your W and see how it goes. My guess is that you're going to be disappointed. It sounds like there is great distance in the M. I don't think she's thinking too much about the R, or you at this time.
I think most of us begin to DB, when we realize that the WAS is not coming back any time soon. We have no choice but to accept the reality of the situation.
Go ahead and try whatever you think might make a difference. I don't think you'll make things any worse.
It is true. You will need to communicate better with your W. That will come later. The test you need to pass now, is to respect that she wants space from you.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Today the W and I attended her bro. 60th b-day party. We went in separate cars because I had other stuff to take care of. I was nervous because nobody knows there is a problem between us. But I just enjoyed myself. We sat at the same table while eating. We joked a lot everything seemed fine. I have been giving her space, have not said ILU to her. And we have been having a good time. Weds we have our first MC session together. I’m a little nervous. I’m afraid she might say she wants out of the marriage. Last week she said something to the effect that she does not want to talk about anything now because she wants to say it in front of the counselor and not have to repeat herself. (What does that mean?) But then again if she agreed to go then maybe she does want to work on our communication, here I go again trying to second guess things
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband, I don't think there is anything wrong in saying that to your wife. I would start off by saying you don't expect a response from her, that you just want to let her know that you are begining to understand what she is going through and add what you said. End it by saying, I realize in the past I have minimized your feelings/problems by thinking I could fix everything for you. I'm not going to do that anymore. So I want you to know how sorry I am that you are hurting/confused right now. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Then walk away. Let her sit there and think about it. Let me know how it goes!
Well my W and I had a talk. I told her I kind of know what she feels when she talks to the OM because I met someone who is going through the same thing we are. I told her when I talk to you it’s like I’m talking to her. I told her I can’t tell her to stop talking to the OM She has to decide when she is ready. Or if she is unwilling to stop. She asked if your sitch was like mine. (Your husband was having the affair) or like hers (you are having the affair) I told her that you were having the Affair and that was why we could help each other. I told her what you told me about wishing your husband would just say I know you are hurting and let me know how I can help but you need to work it out yourself. She told me that she missed her freedom that she went from being single to having a ready made family.(she was 32 when we met). Unlike your advice I should have left the room at that but I didn’t. I asked her if she liked playing pool. She told me she used to play it all the time. I then told her that maybe we could go play some games soon, just like on a date. No strings attached. I’d didn’t mean I would expect or get my hopes up for sex or anything. She kind of laughed and said it’s funny you would say that. That on one of the soaps she watches “Jessica” is getting a divorce even though she shouldn’t be... (She then quickly inputted not that I’m saying lets get divorced). But how Jessica is getting a divorce and how she does not see why she and her ex cannot still go out and do family things like vacations and stuff together. I guess I was letting down my guard and told her what really bothered me the most was not just that she felt she had to go to the OM to talk. But she had sex with him. She told me it was not just sex. I told her I know. It’s the intimate contact that I miss that we had. Well she is sleeping right Now and I need to go over her mother’s house to prune her hedges.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband, I'm impressed with your courage in having a difficult R talk with your W. She gave you further insight into where she's currently at. She was honest with you and sounds like she wants to maintain a connection with you.
It also sounds like you're willing to respect her space, which will serve both of you well.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Husband, I read a little bit of your sitch. Your doing fine, and I see positives. I just went through it and it was the hardest fought battle I have had in my life so far. Strength is the key, detaching is the weapon of choice, but I don't think anyone can detach the way needed to fully resolve the issues at hand. Emotions play into the everyday situations, and yours are in the right place, but hers have been surpressed for the time being. They are still there, but tucked away to far for anyone to reach them. Time is of the essence, and strength is the key for survival.
My W's aunt told her after eight months of us going through our sitch, "One day it will just hit you, you will realize that you want to be with him. No one will help you realize it, it will just pop up and you will be in love with him all over again." This is from a person that went through the exact same thing with having an PA, and actually they got a D. When my W decided it was for real, It was like I saw someone brand new, like the person I married, but better. It will come but we had to actually file for a D, and start the real process for her to realize it. I hope you don't go that far, and I am not saying it will fix it. But I know that pushing and talking and pursuing them will push them away and into the arms of the other person.
SO FIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!! and good luck!
M-31 W-25 S-1 1/2 bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Reading you sitch gives me hope. I keep thinking to myself, Should I just move on? I love my wife but I need Companionship also. It’s amazing because it seems we move 4 steps closer and then something happens and we move 3 steps back. Somewhere here I read that I need to try to think of it as if we started dating again. Like I just met her and go from there. Last night she did say she knows I will always have a place in her heart. This is a giant step for me because when I first found out 4/12 about the affair she just said she fell out of love with me. But I did notice there is no tension when I am around her and treat her like “one of the guys”. When I start talking to her on a little more intimate level she puts the wall up. It’s hard not giving her a kiss in the morning when I go to work. Or a kiss at night before I go to bed. I am hoping one day she will walk up to me and just give me a kiss. That would make my day and I would know I am making progress and in our R an it is making a big step to repair.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It sounds like you handled yourself pretty well on the talk with your wife. I think the fact that your wife opened up a little to you is a good sign also. My husband and I are trying the dating thing as well. We went to the mall and then out to dinner last night. Had a few beers. It was nice. We stayed away from talking about anything serious. We talked about old times and how crazy we use to be when we first started dating. We came home and sat out by the pool and listened to some music and had another beer. I think taking your wife out to play pool is a great ideal. What else does she like to do or that she use to do when you first met but doesn't any more?
Everything is quiet on the front today. W is going about cleaning house and making dinner. It’s kind of like living in the twilight zone. I must have patients. I know it took along time for her to burry her feeling for me and I must slowly unbury them. It’s not getting worse so I must be doing something right. Next Friday I think I’m going to see if my nephew wants to go out and shoot some pool. I know my W said she liked playing pool when she was younger so I’m trying to peck her interest. Then the week after I’m going to see if she wants to go. Just as friends. Of course this will be after we go to a MC on Weds so I don’t know what will happen there. \I is going to call my councilor before we go and tell her that even though it hurt my feelings that she is calling the OM. I need it to my W decision to stop calling.
Me 49 W 53 D 25 P/M not at home D 23 P/M S 10 Married 18 years
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
